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Am I overreacting?

Community Member
Hi - Ive been dealing with this on my own the past few months and I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. Here's the background: I have a boyfriend that I have been with for the past 7 years. Our relationship is complicated - he's divorced with kids. When we first started going out (I was 28), he was still going through his divorce process. There were moments where he would freak out and break it off, and then times when I would freak out having to try and explain this to my parents. Anyways, years passed - my sister got engaged and we still hadn't progressed (neither of us had met eachothers parents). We broke it off in 2016, I moved to Europe and we got back together, then broke it off again in early 2018. I moved back to Australia, he moved here and we got back together again mid-2018. So I helped him settle here and we spent lots of time together. Then in October 2019, he broke it off with me saying he didn't want to get married anymore or have kids with me. I was shocked and devastated - I kept asking why and he kept saying our relationship failed because of me. This continued on for 4 months (till Feb 2020) - until I found out that the weekend after he broke it off with me, he went out with another girl. And all the while he was gaslighting me that I was the reason our relationship failed even stating that he would rather be alone than with me - and I felt so guilty and went into depression because of it - while those 4 months he was seeing another girl. During those months, I asked him if there was someone else - which he kept saying no. So eventually I find out about this girl and Feb and confronted him - he couldn't even be honest about it saying it started only 2 weeks ago. Anyways, in March he went to see a therapist because he realised he didnt like who he was becoming - he didnt even tell the girl he was married with kids but just led her on. So he came to me asking for forgiveness - and we should try again. So after a few weeks, I said ok. He then said he would be honest and tell me all I wanted to know. But there were some things of what he said that didnt add up - I had stalked the girl and she had put photos up of all the weekends she went away - while he was saying he wasnt with her on those weekends, but gut instincts tell me otherwise. He's still hiding things from me and when I tell him my issues and concerns and doubts - he yells, gets mad and threatens to leave me - like as if I'm the crazy one?
2 Replies 2

Community Member

Also, I've finally introduced him to my parents. I've moved in with him - but he still lies and its bothering me so much.

Just to give instances of how his lies have affected me:

In those 4 months when I asked him why he didnt want kids and marriage anymore - he gaslighted me and then went on about he needs to find an older companion. Gut feeling told me it was someone else - so I asked him - he then continued to say no. When I went to his place to pick some of my stuff up - I see a new stud100 bottle and asked him what is it for - he then tells me its for his hair and proceeds to say "why am I torturing myself when theres no one".

We had booked aus open tickets before break up - so we were going to meet up in January. He then tells me he is going to brisbane that australia day weekend, and wont make it. I tell him I cant refund it and to book an early flight back. He then changes his mind and says he got a charter plane back and can make it. So he kept reminding me that he did all that to make the aus open with me. I then find out through the girls insta that they went to wilsons prom that weekend. But even until now - he still denies and says he went to brisbane and girl is posting lies. But then he cant provide any proof he went to brisbane for a business trip during australia day. But now I know for a fact he never went because of what other people have said - but guess what, he still denies it and calls it bullshit - when the facts are there.

Last xmas and ny, I didnt go overseas to spend time with family because the plan was to spend it with him. Only for him to spend it with "someone else". I quote "someone else" because he denies he spent it with her and her family - but can't even keep the story straight when he talks about spending Xmas with a guy named "dennis". And he still hasn't come out honest.

Theres a pic on the girls insta about a restaurant me and him used to go to - he vehemently denies he took her there and that she was probably with sisters. But there's no chance - because that place is not really a go to area.

He denies the girl meant anything. He told her that he didnt want anything serious - but then I find out he got her earrings for Xmas and a valentines gift (bec apparently she never received a valentines before - so he felt sorry). He says he never held her hand, and that when they went to on weekends away - her friends were there and they all slept in the lounge room even though the places they booked had individual rooms.

Community Member
Its bugging me so much. When he asked me to come back to him and try again - I decided to correct the mistakes I made and move forward by introducing him to family and moving in. But he hasn't. Its like he was never sorry for what he did because he's still doing it. I've read so many things to try and create a calm space for him to open up - but he cracks it. He threatens to leave, says that I'm crazy, that I can't let things go when he's already told me the "truth" so I end up reassuring him instead of him reassuring me. He then goes on telling me my jealousy, insecurities are too much. And I have to remind him that for the past 7 years, we have never fought this much and when we did, it was about not progressing - and that this year, my insecurity has heightened because of all the emotional rollercoaster/lies I went through. He then refuses to address it and goes on to say that I have always been insecure. He tells me that whatever he did with her is not my business because he wasnt with me. I tell him I'm not asking him to explain, but I'm asking him for honesty since he lied to me those 4 months. But he slams the door, yells, threatens to leave. So then I end up just swallowing it all up - I end up doubting myself that I should let it go. But how am I supposed to trust him if he can't even be honest. I don't understand why he said to start over if he's just going to continue lying - and now I feel stuck because I've moved out and jumped back in. I love him and want to believe him - but I know he's not telling me everything. How am I supposed to just start fresh and let it go if he can't even be honest about it especially when he was the one who came to me and said "lets start again".