I feel so lost and confused

[Aveeno]

Hi, well as the title says I feel so lost and confused, hurt, angry, betrayed, lonely. I am going through a split worth a focus on healing with my partner of almost 20 years and with everyday we spend spilt the more I realise just how broken and damaged I am. 

And I know I need to work on myself, I went straight from an abusive household to living with my partner and I never went to therapy to heal. I just existed in a depressed state for months before they dragged me out to meet people, and I hated them for it at the time but know I'm grateful. But I also now know it was the start of them resenting me. 

And yeah I spent so long unemployed, bit then I eventually found work and pulled myself up but then I let my weight slip because I was so focused on getting good work. And I started neglecting my partner without even realising it and that resentment grew because they felt they couldn't talk to me because I never healed properly from my trauma and I had zero emotional stability so they stayed quiet and just let it become indifference to me and I never noticed. 

Then it all started coming to a head, they final broke and said they hated my weight, so I'm doing something about it and I'm lighter then I've ever been, them came the confession of "I don't know how I love" and "hate would make things so much easier". And in two sentences my entire world imploded, they asked for a split so they can heal from there part trauma and so that I could heal from mine.

But instead I clung to the ghost of us so tightly, I kept trying to fix us and I kept doing things to fix us and expecting them to do the same and expecting exclusivity still but that was ripped away from me and I've been very firmly told that if I don't butt out of there private affairs and actually work on me, there will never be an us again.

And I feel so lost and confused, why can't we work on us?

[indigo22]

Hi Aveeno,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry you are feeling so lost and confused, it can be difficult to understand what is really happening in the midst of a split with someone you care about after so many years.

I would like to help you understand by using an example of a similar situation I went through with my partner many years ago. I had asked for some time to think about the future of our relationship due to the fact that he had pushed me beyond the point of tolerance. Instead of giving me the time, he kept contacting me constantly effectively giving me no time to think or figure out what I was feeling. His friend also warned him to back off and give me the time I needed, but he paid no attention. The result was that I ended the marriage because I could no longer be in it as it was and because he gave me no time to sort it out in my own mind.

As much as it is difficult to deal with mental illness (mine is major depression) it is equally hard for the support person who is dealing with a partner with mental illness. Both need outside support and therapy to keep things stable. It sounds like neither of you had this and as a result, the relationship has deteriorated.

At this point you cannot work on your relationship because nothing has changed. For that to happen, you must first work on yourself and get to a point where some healing has taken place and you are seeing things more clearly. Have you looked into finding a therapist to work with? Trauma from the past will not heal on it's own, it needs to be worked through and until that happens, nothing will change. If you need some advice on how to go about finding someone, I would be happy to help. You must focus on you at present in order for there to be any future for your relationship.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue the conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo