Dear PrincessE~
Many people who have faced the law and been incarcerated tend to come out changed in that they feel within themselves they are less worthy, and probably more distrustful. This does not mean they were people without strengths and virtues before whatever happened, and does not mean they are not thoroughly good people after, true 30 years later too. (Yes I realise this is not always true, some come out worse). If you regard yourself as having been a good person for 30 years then I'm sure you are.
In the same way many people who have had to live in a DV relationship come out of it with the same two things, lack of trust and feeling less worthy - plus fear.
So you have had a double dose, and I suspect this is influencing your decision making now. So you do not trust him to listen to your story and suddenly stop loving you. He is more likley happy to have gained your trust.
My partner had been in long standing DV circumstances and it has been hard for her to not suspect the both physically and mentally. It has taken a long time for those effects to be (allmost) all gone. I'm touched she gave her trust to me and I hold her in higher esteem as a result
The opposite is true, to one day find out and realise he was not trusted - also you were not the person he thought, both can harm the relationship - I'm not saying they will but they could do.
If you remain silent will you be your natural lovely self, or will anxiety tend to influence you - so you do not give of your best? Also you will not have achieved trust and will yourself live in a state of anxiety - a horrible way to be as I know from expereince.
30 years means the events you talk about are in the distant past, and who you are now is the important thing. 5 months is enough to gain a pretty accurate impression of a person, and not too late to learn more wihtout spoiling anything.
I agree that people who have paid their dues should be treated the same as everyone else, unfortunately life does not always work that way, jobs may be harder to find, accommodation more difficult and relationship issues more common
Trust is something you can give, it is gold, and I'd feel privileged if my partner told me of a black incident in her past.
I was a policeman and know the problems people face in your circumstances. I also know that things can work out. For you to have a secure corner in a hostile world would mean a lot - to both of you
As you can tell from my writing I tend to see the best in people and how there are many understanding people in the world. That's my nature, and I'd hope you have picked someone who is the same. I would expect you have, After having lived with someone one who was the opposite you may well have more insight and judgment
I admit I've painted a rather rosy picture, however I can see you living with a secret all your life and the horrible anxiety that goes with it, fearing disaster, and I'd not wish that on anyone.
If you would like to keep talking that would be great, you are in a difficult position and need not face it alone.
Croix
