Heartbroken

[Hurt_hopeful]

Hi all, 

I have suffered from major depression since the birth of my son 11 years ago. Approx 18 months ago I found out my partner of 13 years had been having an affair for 4 years ( the reason I found out was because she was pregnant, she did not proceed with pregnancy ) our relationship had turned in to room mates however I turned a blind eye and was happy to just be in a relationship with him and to be living as a family. We spent 2024 living separately but trying to repair our relationship, I thought this was going well. We came back together at the end of last year and everything seemed good I had forgiven him we were no longer in the roommate phase. Then in Feb he mentioned that he could not move past the guilt, towards me, towards her and to the unborn child. At that point I decided that this relationship was no longer capable of being saved. He didn’t put up any protest and we have be apart since April. I am desperately sad, my anxiety is out of control and I find myself consumed with nothing but thoughts of him and how did I get here. Hopefully there are others who have come out the other side and can share some tips on how they have managed that. We currently co parent our son 50/50 so I see him multiple  times a week and find myself asking him questions about his life, telling him I miss him etc. 

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I can see how all this is confusing, exhausting and heart breaking for you. It's a lot to deal with and it's hard to decide which way we want to go. It's also a big change for you to adjust to being apart and that's ok as it's not easy for anyone to deal with. It takes some time to feel comfortable in our new life.

I understand that you love your partner very much and would like to be loved the same way back. I can see that you've done all you could to have a healthy loving relationship with him and he's not doing the same in return. As much as it's hard, I think that you need to decide how much you want to be loved back and how important it is to you. If it's important to you, maybe start looking for other options to get the love you deserve. We all deserve to be loved as much as we love others and be in a healthy relationship.

I hope that it helped a little bit, please let us know if there's anything that can help you to make it easier

[Hurt_hopeful]

Thanks for your response, I know I deserve more and I guess that is part of why I walked away. I am just so exhausted from the constant racing what if thoughts and want to know if anyone has found how to speed up the healing process. 

[TrueSeeker]

I think that once you fully accept your decision and start making steps towards your new better life, things will get better. I can understand how easy it is to create hope and keep trying to fix old things, there is time to accept that the effort is not worth it any more. It can take some reminding to ourselves as it can be hard to replace our old thinking with new thinking but eventually it gets there.

[Hurt_hopeful]

You are so right, acceptance is so important. Some days I think I have accepted it and then others days back to disbelief and wishful thinking. I can also spend time questioning why me? What did I do deserve this? 

[TrueSeeker]

I'm happy that you do have some good days. It might help to turn your wishful thinking into finding a new man. It could help to focus on your hobbies or find new ones and get engaged in communities that share similar interests.

I don't think you deserve this, you did your best. It's just sometimes we get stuck with people that aren't good for us and it can be hard to let go and start a new life. I was there once too and eventually did find a partner that loves me as much as I love him.