Husband cheated with sex worker

[Newuser]

With my husband for 16 years, married for 13 

The last few years have been challenging as I feel he has just not cared about me as much and it has greatly affected our sex life, we have been arguing about petty stuff that makes me resent him. 
I have recently had time off work due to a traumatic incident and longer term work stress (several years) which has likely contributed to our relationship challenges  and have gotten great support from a psychologist and have felt less stressed and felt our marriage has been going good with an improved sex life and he has also commented on this

i have just returned from a trip overseas to visit family and on return yesterday found suspicious  bank ac activity and uber receipts and after some digging have found my husband has been to massage parlors twice whilst I was away, the night I left, and  most recently the night before I got home. He has only admitted to the most recent saying he was drunk, doesn’t remember and “doesn’t think he had sex”  just a massage and 2 “happy endings” but that cannot explain the late night $1300 bank withdrawals. My friend is suspicious he may have spent money on drugs aswell which would also be shocking.  I only later realized about  the first occasion and he has not answered my questions about that time

I have been hysterically upset Its all very raw <24hours 

He is very cold about it all and I have asked him to stay elsewhere 

I just cannot stop crying and have not eaten anything in 24 hours 

I have  so many thoughts self blame, am I that bad, guilt, concern for his wellbeing (sounds crazy I know)  where will I live, do I move back overseas, scheduling std testing, what do I tell people, what will he tell people -likely that I was an awful wife,  how do I begin to navigate this??? 

He was my best friend and my world  and I never would have thought he would betray me in this way.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. I"m sorry you are in this situation, it destroys trust and many feel inadequacy of some sort on their part - in short blaming themselves as well as often worrying about the partner's welfare.

As with many things the worst bit is telling lies and finding out your best friend whom you have relied up for so many years is not quite the person you thought.

May I suggest you do nothing in a hurry, you are understandably very upset and that is not the best frame of mind to make decisions.

While I would not like you to think I was defending his actions I think maybe the fact you just left and just before you returned may have been significant, and you said yourself that your relationship have been difficult due ot long term work difficulties, stress and more recent trauma.

Establishments in two states, Victoria and Queensland are legal and are obliged to provide a safe environment, much reducing the chances of any STD. The price is consistent with the more expensive places.

In other states there are also many well run establishments. I'm telling you all this to try to reduce your worry of having contracted a disease. I can't comment on the purchase of illicit drugs but know alcohol charges are excessive.

There is no way I can suggest what action you should take, you may well find the whole  matter is a deal-breaker, it is too serious and you want to separate

On the other hand having had a best friend for 16 years may not be something to give up lightly. Learning from mistakes is sometimes possible.

If you do separate there are, as you point out, practical matters to be considered, surprisingly together with loneliness.

If you think it is worth trying to remain together it might be helpful to have couples counseling at which time a third party may make a person realize the effects of what they have done. I can recommend  Relationships Australia (1300 364 277), and if they do not have an office in your area may be able to suggest somewhere closer.

Do you mind if I ask if you have any support in your life, a family member or friend to talk with? They do not have to 'fix' anything, just let you realise they care. (I know it is a difficult subject to bring up but a trouble shared does release some of the burden)

You are welcome to talk more, it is no easy situation

Croix

[Newuser]

Thank you Croix for your thoughtful reply, getting some independent insight is so helpful in times like this.

I have a very small circle of friends in this country and the majority are mutual friends which makes it very difficult but i have been able to confide in one friend which has been helpful She has helped me book in for std screening in a few weeks as my husband has gone to ground and not answering any questions I have about other possible occasions of infidelity and particulars that could help me determine my level of risk for STDs

The fact that he has not made contact with me since this came to light does not make me feel hopeful re couples therapy however if he did make an effort I feel I would be willing to even if just to help to get some closure 

I am very concerned re financial implications as I stupidly let him run all the finances so I have a plan to seek legal advice moving forward 

I have so many unanswered questions and feel like they will remain unanswered and will need to work on being okay with that 

Thank you again for your words of support 

[Croix]

Dear Newuser~

I'm very glad you do have a friend that you can confide in and gives practical help - it makes a big difference. Getting a STD test out the way also will probably be OK and be one weight off your mind.

Why he has not contacted you is anybody's guess. He could be ashamed, or simply not care. Your instincts are probably the best thing to go on at this staged . You may need to contact him for necessary information as some stage.

You may find the Women's Legal Services in your state or territory may be able to give you advice. You can find the one nearest you from their listing which I have linked to above. Sorting out finances and living arrangements does take expertise.

It sounds like you are a very sensible person. To consider counceling is probably a good idea and the notion you may never have all the answers is a mature way of looking at things. Often we do not know. The only trap to fall into is blaming yourself.

If you cared to let us know how you are going, even just to say nothing's changed, would be good

Croix