A very warm welcome to you at a time in your life when you're seriously questioning who you really are, while longing to return to your most natural self.
Such self questioning can come at different times in a person's life, for a whole variety of reasons. Whether it involves a basic sense of wonder or something is forcing us to look for answers (out of desperation), it becomes a bit of a quest with a heck of a lot of questions at times. As a 55yo gal, I'm going back a bit to the age of 35 when I hit on the revelation 'I have absolutely no idea who I really am'. I thought I knew but what I thought or believed was either superficial (just touching the surface) or wrong. Having come out of long term depression of over a decade at the time, I didn't know myself without depression.
If someone was to ask us to give a detailed description of who we are, we might say 'I am 16 years old. My name is Mary. I am 160cm tall. I weigh 57 kilos. I live in Melbourne, Australia. I am a student' and so on. It's really all measurements and labels. Who am I without all the measurements and labels? Who are we without all the acting or performances that have us labeled as 'Good girl/boy', 'Easy to get along with', 'A nice person' etc etc? I found a lot opened up for me when I came to question 'Who did I begin as?'. For this, we need to go back to the start or at least a little ways after the start of our life.
Most of us around the age of 3 were wonderful (jam packed full of wonder). We were highly imaginative. We questioned so much and occasionally challenged people. We were deeply feeling and could naturally sense so much. We thrived on excitement and the list continues. Over time, we are taught or conditioned to wonder less, imagine less or imagine the kind of things others wanted us to. We were taught to question less and not be so challenging. We learned to feel differently, whether that involved suppressing our feelings, ignoring them or feeling how others wanted us to. We learned to have a less exciting or energetic life, dialing down our energy. Over time, we became 'acceptable'. While there can be valid reasons for changing or tweaking who we naturally are, there can also be a whole stack of ridiculous reasons (open to ridicule). For example, if we're raised by people who are inclined to always say 'Don't question me, just do as you're told', I think it's fair to ask for reason/s sometimes. A rebellious child, who refuses to accept no good reason, may challenge a person with 'I'm not doing it until you give me a good reason'. Some might say they're rebelling against a mindless or unreasonable way of doing things.
What it takes to return or turn again to who we naturally were/are is a whole other story. A lot of the things I mention point to abilities: The ability to wonder, the ability to imagine, the ability to question or challenge, the ability to feel or sense etc. The ultimate question becomes 'How do I regain my abilities, to the point where I'm thriving?'. And when it comes to the ability to feel or sense, the question may be 'How do I wake up and come to my senses again, in a life that has been feeling a little on the senseless side?'.
