I feel like a terrible person

[Guest_45122501]

I feel like a horrible terrible person. I don't really think about it but when I do I just always come to the same conclusion. I just had to leave my family life, not because any "real" serious abuse happened, but because I don't know I just couldn't deal with that life anymore. I just left, I don't know why I stopped speaking to my mother and sister at 13, I just guess I could never forgive them for what they did to me. But what they did to me I don't know. I question it and I'm sure they question it and I just don't know I just had to if that makes sense. I have caused them probably a lot of pain and guilt and suffering all because of my brain. I just can't be near them. I have things I know I need to bring up with my therapist but I feel like I'm making them up. Every time I talk to my therapist I feel like a fraud. Why am I there? I don't have any proof even in my mind that something objectively bad happened to me or that it was any one persons fault. I just know I would never be able to survive there. Am I attention seeking? All I can think about is how I over react and it is far to late. It is too late. I know people are like "well likely your brain has blocked it out." I mean I know people don't go into years worth holes of deep deep depression for no reason, but I feel like I've created all this in my imagination. I don't know what happened, all I know is what happened to my soul beyond my mind and logical thinking.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This situation must make you feel so frustrated and alone. I hope I can help.

The post you wrote, if I was your family member, might be a good post to send to your family members. A parent that loves you might be so relieved that they have some form of answer. A parents nightmare is not knowing "is she safe", "is she getting medical help" and so forth. Now there are toxic family individuals out there (I'm talking from lived experience) that are harmful and I've removed a few in my time and benefitted by it, but thats for you to judge in your situation.

You say you are seeing a therapist, so I think thats a really good step and they will work through the issues to find out what the real underlining issues are. Do you think they are helping?

Can you foresee any part time/distant relationship possible? A part time one is better than none at all in most cases. Is that a future desire? 

I must say it's hard to suggest anything more because we have nothing to go on in terms of say- abuse, abrasive people or other issue. Nevertheless please feel free to add to your post as things in your mind a recalled. I'm listening and when you reply I'm notified.

"The best things one can do is listen for it's your story thats most important"

TonyWK

[Louise__]

It sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle of guilt. The first thing to note is that you seem to be doing well for yourself. You’re articulate, your in therapy which shows you’re probably going okay financially, and you’re reaching out for advice online. Plus, it sounds like you’ve spoken to people about it before so probably have friends around you which is also good.

honestly, it sounds really rough. It sounds like you’ve spoken to feel that your brain is failing you. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. The way you’re feeling is valid regardless of the reason behind it. 

be kind to yourself, you’re going to get the answers you’re looking for