I don’t like being a parent

[I_need_a_name]

I feel sick saying this because I love my children dearly, but I absolutely hate life with kids.
Nothing can prepare you for the relentlessness of parenthood and how much of yourself you lose in the process. Everyone says it’s hard but you don’t truly understand what that means until you’re in the thick of it and once you’re there, I feel like there’s nothing you can do about it.
If I disliked anything else in my life - where I lived, my job, my husband, I could leave, change careers, do something different, but you can’t take back having kids and yet it’s the one decision that I really wish I’d had more background info on before I took the plunge.
I have a 5yr old and a 1yr old, they’re so very loved and clever, and funny and wonderful, they’re great kids and I’m a great Mum (mostly), but I grieve all the time for my lost life, all the freedoms I had and all the TIME I no longer have.
I used to have so much choice in my day - I could spend my day sleeping, exercising, crafting, eating, listening to music/podcasts/audiobooks, binge watching tv or movies, relaxing, renovating our house, organising, literally anything I could imagine or think of I could do.
All I do now is work, cook, clean and parent, there isn’t time for anything else. If I do get any free time, it’s post 8pm when the kids go to bed and I’m too tired from the day to do much more than sit in front of the TV and scroll on my phone. It’s such a crappy life.
The kids needs are never ending, someone’s always in my space and requiring my attention, even if they just want to play, I feel like everything’s draining. I don’t want to play, or cook, or clean or do family admin etc., every task that fills my day now is not one that I would choose, all of them are required to keep the family running and someone has to do them, so I do, my husband is really helpful and we share the load pretty evenly but even so, we still both feel permanently burnt out.
I can organise some extra time away from the kids etc. and I have done; feels great while I have that time but it’s always only a cpl hours, or a day max. and the second I have to go back to reality I hate my life again. I long for my pre-child life and all the wonderful things I could do with a day, presently i probably get about 10-30mins of each day to choose something for me and it’s not enough, I didn’t know how hard this was going to be and now I’m here and I don’t like it and I feel stuck. What can I do?

[therising]

Hi DepressedNoEnd

You mention, 'I am just absolutely sick of family life'. Throw a 'because' into any statement that involves 'I'm sick of' and what that becomes is 'I'm sick because of...'. While there may be no significant physical disease (yet), the mental and emotional dis-ease can be more than obvious when it comes to what we're sick of. 

Being a wife and a mum to a 23yo daughter and 20yo son, amongst other things, I can relate to being sick of a lot of things over the years. Being able to make greater sense of those things has been what's made a constructive difference to me and my mental and physical health. I've found that over time you can't necessarily feel the scales tipping bit by bit until a tipping point is reached that can't be denied. It's all the little things you try to adapt to, manage, accept, tolerate etc that begin to add up to 'I just can't do this anymore'. Addressing all those little weights that have added up becomes absolute key to change but it comes with a clause and that involves some skill development. This is what I've personally found.

The skill of greater communication, the skill of emotional awareness (such as what tipping point feels like), the skill of reducing the weights strategically, the skill of listening to others carefully etc etc are all things that make life somewhat easier in the long run. Initially not easy and can involve a lot of conscious work but it does pay off. To offer an example you might be able to relate to. To communicate 'I just can't handle the stress and exhaustion when it comes to working 2 jobs' covers clear communication and emotional awareness. 'We're going to have to all sit down and work out which activities/clubs we can live without and which ones are really going to serve us because I can no longer afford to pay for them all while considering reducing my work hours'. An example of reducing the weights of financial responsibility. While someone in the family could say 'I want to just stay with the club that involves kite flying because it's the one that leads me to feel happiest', for example, to listen to what makes someone happiest means we're not trashing their personal choice but respecting it instead (while also respecting what makes a difference to their mental health). I know, all sounds good in theory but practicing what equates to making our life easier in the long run isn't so easy. 

There's the temptation to want to make our kids' lives easier or give them just about everything but for some parents it can come at a cost. It can cost you your time (with long work hours), your sense of overall wellbeing, your energy, your sanity and so much more. If the only free time you have is time to sleep, that's not living. There is no time enjoy your life. With no one making your life any easier, resentment can become one emotion that definitely holds and enormous charge.  

Btw, something to consider involves starting your own thread on the topic. I imagine, with a new thread popping up in the forums, you might catch a lot more people's attention. Their advice and compassion could end up offering you the difference you're so desperate to feel.