I don’t like being a parent

[I_need_a_name]

I feel sick saying this because I love my children dearly, but I absolutely hate life with kids.
Nothing can prepare you for the relentlessness of parenthood and how much of yourself you lose in the process. Everyone says it’s hard but you don’t truly understand what that means until you’re in the thick of it and once you’re there, I feel like there’s nothing you can do about it.
If I disliked anything else in my life - where I lived, my job, my husband, I could leave, change careers, do something different, but you can’t take back having kids and yet it’s the one decision that I really wish I’d had more background info on before I took the plunge.
I have a 5yr old and a 1yr old, they’re so very loved and clever, and funny and wonderful, they’re great kids and I’m a great Mum (mostly), but I grieve all the time for my lost life, all the freedoms I had and all the TIME I no longer have.
I used to have so much choice in my day - I could spend my day sleeping, exercising, crafting, eating, listening to music/podcasts/audiobooks, binge watching tv or movies, relaxing, renovating our house, organising, literally anything I could imagine or think of I could do.
All I do now is work, cook, clean and parent, there isn’t time for anything else. If I do get any free time, it’s post 8pm when the kids go to bed and I’m too tired from the day to do much more than sit in front of the TV and scroll on my phone. It’s such a crappy life.
The kids needs are never ending, someone’s always in my space and requiring my attention, even if they just want to play, I feel like everything’s draining. I don’t want to play, or cook, or clean or do family admin etc., every task that fills my day now is not one that I would choose, all of them are required to keep the family running and someone has to do them, so I do, my husband is really helpful and we share the load pretty evenly but even so, we still both feel permanently burnt out.
I can organise some extra time away from the kids etc. and I have done; feels great while I have that time but it’s always only a cpl hours, or a day max. and the second I have to go back to reality I hate my life again. I long for my pre-child life and all the wonderful things I could do with a day, presently i probably get about 10-30mins of each day to choose something for me and it’s not enough, I didn’t know how hard this was going to be and now I’m here and I don’t like it and I feel stuck. What can I do?

[Athenry]

Hi 🙂

I know I responded before, and I’d like to respond again. My eldest is 5in July and my youngest 2 next month.

I felt the same way as you, but I’ve noticed it’s starting to get better! My kids are still super hard work, but there are periods where they play together happily and my youngest no longer follows me around screaming all day.

Most of the improvements are due to kids maturing, but I’ve made some changes too. Simpler dinners and cleaning the kitchen while the kids are still awake.

I hope things are on the up for you too.

🙂

[Terry73]

Hi I_need_a_name,

I briefly read down through the posts made here, and it seems there are some good suggestions made, and that you seem to be "on the up". I firstly just want to add that your children are young, they will get older, and become more independent, meaning freeing up more of your time, so you do have that to look forward to, also school is ahead too and will give you that time you need again.

But the real reason I am writing is to hopefully let you see the other side too, I am a father that hasn't been able to be a father to his children, as they were separated from me at a young age, and I am refused contact to my children (not by courts, but by my ex not wanting to co-operate, moving house without saying where to, changing phone numbers, blocking contacts, etc ... long story and not really the point here). Believe me, it is so painful, depressive and I don't want anyone to ever have to endure what I have. I am only making this known here just to show you what the other side is like.

I'm not saying to be thankful for what you have, nor even feel sorry for myself in my situation, just see that your lifestyle has changed, and will constantly change as the kids get older. I believe it will get easier for you, but what you can do now is start finding ways in which to enjoy the time you have while they at this age, make memories that will become worth the effort and tiredness in the end.

[Romes88]

It's like you have described me. I 110% get you. I have 2 kids as well and LOVE them more than anything, but often feel overwhelmed at how sad I am not to be the person I was before kids.

Dont make the mistake I did and start drinking to numb it though.... I've just made things even worse by getting drunk and unleashing on my husband who helps more than most, but I still whine about him. Fml

[Karen0901]

This is a great post because I don't think enough people talk about how hard being a parent can be in case others judge them. Or think they don't love their kids.

I have a 3 year old and I have also struggled with the relentless need to look after him. He is only just starting to be able to play a bit independently and not want to hang off me 24/7.

I am extremely grateful I have him though. He is the result of 7 years of IVF and I wouldn't change the experience for anything. I had many years the think about a child free life and it is a very empty and lonely existence, in my opinion.

However, for all the reasons you stated, I'm struggling with the idea of having another one. I have a lot of anxiety about it and it's why I'm on Beyond Blue. As you say, being a parent is hard and you can't quit. But it is also so rewarding and an experience you will never have doing anything else.

I would suggest getting your children to do with you, what you want to do. This works for me. They want to spend time with you but little kids don't usually care how you do that. My 3 year old is now my little buddy. When I don't want to play, I tell him and he doesn't take it personally. Sometimes he lets me and other times he doesn't but I know those times I need to give him attention, so it is ok. I'm teaching him that his parents have needs too.

My mother was neglectful. I actually have very few memories of her growing up. She never spent time with us. We lived downstairs, my step father, my half sibling and her lived upstairs. Taking some time for yourself is not the same as being neglectful. As long as you respond when needed, play/spend time with them sometimes and give them love.

[MyProfile]

I know this is an older post, but I am wondering how you are going now? My son is nearing 2 and I literally have no time to myself, I just want to know it gets better!

[Karen0901]

It does get better. Once my son got to 4 he had his own interests and is often fine doing things on his own for a while. Nothing lasts forever. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi I Need A Name,

I'm not a parent, but I can understand how hard it must be to have such little time to yourself and how it must be really exhausting to have children. It's good that you love your children (I think that's what matters), but it's also completely fair to say that you don't enjoy being a parent.

Do you think you would find it helpful to have more breaks from your children even if it's just for a few hours? Maybe you could pay someone to look after them every now and again while you can have some time to yourself and relax? Parent's shouldn't be shamed for having breaks from their children.

I also like Petal's idea of joining a play group. My Mum told me that when my sisters and I were younger that she use to take us to play group and she said that it was really good!