I don’t like being a parent

[I_need_a_name]

I feel sick saying this because I love my children dearly, but I absolutely hate life with kids.
Nothing can prepare you for the relentlessness of parenthood and how much of yourself you lose in the process. Everyone says it’s hard but you don’t truly understand what that means until you’re in the thick of it and once you’re there, I feel like there’s nothing you can do about it.
If I disliked anything else in my life - where I lived, my job, my husband, I could leave, change careers, do something different, but you can’t take back having kids and yet it’s the one decision that I really wish I’d had more background info on before I took the plunge.
I have a 5yr old and a 1yr old, they’re so very loved and clever, and funny and wonderful, they’re great kids and I’m a great Mum (mostly), but I grieve all the time for my lost life, all the freedoms I had and all the TIME I no longer have.
I used to have so much choice in my day - I could spend my day sleeping, exercising, crafting, eating, listening to music/podcasts/audiobooks, binge watching tv or movies, relaxing, renovating our house, organising, literally anything I could imagine or think of I could do.
All I do now is work, cook, clean and parent, there isn’t time for anything else. If I do get any free time, it’s post 8pm when the kids go to bed and I’m too tired from the day to do much more than sit in front of the TV and scroll on my phone. It’s such a crappy life.
The kids needs are never ending, someone’s always in my space and requiring my attention, even if they just want to play, I feel like everything’s draining. I don’t want to play, or cook, or clean or do family admin etc., every task that fills my day now is not one that I would choose, all of them are required to keep the family running and someone has to do them, so I do, my husband is really helpful and we share the load pretty evenly but even so, we still both feel permanently burnt out.
I can organise some extra time away from the kids etc. and I have done; feels great while I have that time but it’s always only a cpl hours, or a day max. and the second I have to go back to reality I hate my life again. I long for my pre-child life and all the wonderful things I could do with a day, presently i probably get about 10-30mins of each day to choose something for me and it’s not enough, I didn’t know how hard this was going to be and now I’m here and I don’t like it and I feel stuck. What can I do?

[Humble_Pie]

Hi I_need_a_name,

I don't have any answers but I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this. I've been feeling the same way for years. It makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. I'll try to implement some of the strategies that I'm seeing in the replies.

[quirkywords]

I need a name, thanks for starting this thread and sharing your feelings. My children are adults butcwhen they were little it was full on. I didn’t have much time to myself but once a month I joined a book club. Is there anything you could that you enjoy for yourself.

Humble pie and welcome to the forum. Thanks for your kind words. It is true by people writing here others realise they are not alone.

I hope both of you find a strategy that helps.

[I_need_a_name]

Hi quirkywords,

I definitely can find some time for me, my husband is amazing about looking after the kids if I ask, and vice versa. Realistically, without being selfish I could probably organise a couple of hours to do something for myself every week. Whilst that time's great, I feel like any time I get now is so minscule in comparison to what I used to have - I struggle so much with "is this all I get now".

Pre-children; I'd work for 8-10hours a day and sleep for 7ish hours, which leaves free time of around 8 hours a day to do whatever I wanted with. Add in weekends where I wouldn't work and it's approximately 72 hours per week of time to do with whatever I wish.

Post-children; I could definitely make time for me, an hour per weekday after the chores are done and kids are in bed and probably a couple of hours on a weekend day where my husband takes the kiddies is probably realistic. That's around 9 hours of free time and choice (compared to 72 hours). Unfortunately, the majority of that time is post 10pm where I'm so exhausted I only feel like sitting on the lounge and scrolling my phone. There's so many things i want to do, and it doesn't all fit into this 9ish hours a week. I want to watch a movie (have to do it over 3 nights), I want to read books (could probably get in a couple of chapters), I want to craft and create (I can try, but there's not much i could setup, do and packup within an hour or two), I want to exercise and eat better, the list goes on and on, so many wants, so little time. I could do any one of these things for a couple of hours a week but not all, it just won't fit.

I knew having children would be hard but I wasn't bargaining for my free time reducing by 90+%. It seems an obvious realisation, but it doesn't really cross your mind until you're in the thick of it and you realise how much of you has disappeared. I don't know how to accept my new reality. It's like I have a want-to-do list that outweighs my free time by 10 to 1. I can definitely organise time for me, but it's not enough, anything I do for me feels like a drop in the ocean, it's nothing compared to what I used to have and I also miss my children when I organise time for me. I feel like I need double the hours in a day - I love my children and want to be with them and experience life with them but I also want a life for myself.

How are other parents accepting the loss of time and increase in "busyness"?

Thank you for letting me be so open and honest here. : )

[Quercus]

Hello I_need_a_name,

My goodness reading your post took me right back to when my two were very little. I'd feel guilty every single day that I hated being a Mum.

Some days I still feel that way.

My two are now 6 and 8 and in terms of the domestic drudgery (man I hate making lunches and the endless pointless cleaning) that hasn't changed much.

But two things have made a massive difference.

1. Being diagnosed with depression and my ongoing treatment.

2. Recognising that I need regular time alone that I can rely on.

It's not enough to have the occasional break or few hours away. I used to feel worse because I'd get a taste of freedom and then know it would be ages before I got that again. Now I make time. Even if that means the chores don't get done. When the kids go to bed I do the basics and then do something I like. For me it's LEGO. But you mentioned you enjoy craft.

If you sat down with hubby could you make a list of things you both do every day that could possibly wait and work out how to make time out for both of you? I find being able to rely on regular alone time helps me. Just an idea.

If you haven't spoken to your midwife, GP etc yet it's worth a try. If depression is an issue it does make it harder to cope. When I'm low the endless noise sets me off badly. The guilt is overwhelming.

You're a great Mum. It's not remotely easy. I still feel like I've lost my identity often. But as my two slowly become more independent I feel like it will one day change. I remind myself all the time I'm not just a Mum, I'm still a person too. My kids are learning that too whenever I remind them they have two arms, two legs and a heartbeat (or do it yourself!!).

A psych told me once as parents we can only do what we are able to and that is absolutely good enough!!

I hope you can find a balance that helps you soon.

Nat

[I_need_a_name]

Thanks Nat, all good advice, we're working on making more time for ourselves. It's a struggle, I feel like I need double the amount of hours in a day but we're definitely trying.

[TunnelVision]

Hi there. My kids are older now (2 X adults and 1 X teen), so I can assure you that what you are going through is just a function of having to care for very small children. Quicker than you can imagine they'll be older and over at friends' places or in their rooms telling you to go away. You will get your time back.

I'm not telling you to suck it up - those early years are so, so physically, mentally and emotionally draining. I can remember that whole resentful feeling where everything I used to be was given up entirely for these small emotional vampires. It's exhausting.

But then they grow up and turn into pretty nice people and you get to become or grow into yourself again.

I think it's important for now that you are really carving out some time that's really for yourself. Now the weather has warmed up make meals a lot simpler - salad and a BBQ chook - so you're not having to cook after work etc. Have a pyjama day on the weekend occasionally where you just do nothing together all day. Simple things like that can help reduce the stress of it all.

I think parents these days are under a lot of pressure to do things 'right'. Which, obviously, we should be the best parents we can but we shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect.

[BeforeCare]

I need a game,

as you can see all ready, you're not alone here.

I had PND after baby#2 and alot of this was just loosing myself.

Going back to work helped but at the same time, it reduced the freedom and down time.

Everyone worried when six years later I had baby #3. No PND that time around though

But at the same time, just when things were getting easier, and it really does, I went back to 0 personal time.

The youngest is still a personal time chewer but I would never look back to regret the personal, or what I now think as wasted time bringing them up.

I struggle still and hubby and I rotate time away (like for sports/seeing friends) to make sure were being our own selves too.

I do remember a time being so jealous of separated parents having so much of their own time but have since seen the heartbreak that creates, like having to share Xmas, birthdays.

Sorry I got to cut this short, better drive these children to school now. It's one of my stay at home days, which means over 5 hours of free time. I need this for my want it. Not sure what I'll do yet but trying to beat my current depression, it will include a walk

[Amanda2000]

Thank you for your post! I've been struggling with the exact same issues. I totally hate my life right now.

My kids are now 17 and 15 but the problem seems to be worse now than when they were little. When they were little, at least I was more in control with the time-schedule for the day. Now my life revolves around their schedule/constantly waiting for them to do things. I feel like I'm always on stand-by mode eg. I cannot wash the bed-linen until they're out of the bed, I cannot start the dishwasher until they've had breakfast etc. They go to bed later and later (no longer 8pm as you mentioned - more like 11.30pm nowadays). I have not had much decent sleep since the moment they were born. I never imagined that my sleep deprivation would continue as they get older (maybe even worse than those newborn night-feed days?).

I know what you mean about the 10-30 minutes in-between free-time that you might get that's not long enough to do anything you truly enjoy. I feel totally exhausted. When I do get a moment to sit down, I often fall asleep in front of the TV. Very frustrating that all my energy has been drained by my family and I don't have any energy left to enjoy watching TV.

For me, the first 12 years had some rewarding moments. There was a fun element to make the hard work bearable. Now and the future seems to be all about "responsibility". I no longer enjoy spending time with them and I dread how I'll manage my relationship with them as adults.

I find it overwhelming that parenthood is something that you can never get out of. If you don't like your job, you can leave and get a new job. If you don't like your partner, you can get a divorce. But the decision to have kids is a life-sentence without parole. Trapped for life. I feel like I'm carrying on just out of responsibility, rather than out of love.

When you feel burnt-out from your job, you can take time off work. But when you're burnt-out from your family & everyday life, where can you escape to?

[TunnelVision]

Hi Amanda. Are your kids doing any of the household chores to help you at all? At their ages they should be able to help with some things.

My kids are all expected to wash their own bedlinen, put on a load of washing if they see one needs doing, give the floors a quick sweep or vacuum if it needs it, keep their own rooms tidy, bring in and pack away the groceries when I have done the shopping and cook the occasional meal (eldest cooks once or twice a week depending on his work shifts, the other 2 a bit more sporadically). I see it as them just contributing to family life

And I just go to bed when I am ready to go. I tell the younger one to go to bed by 10.30 but the older 2 can please themselves.

You sound really tired from your post. Maybe you could have a conversation with your kids around them helping with a few things to take the pressure of you? Not only would it help you but it also gives them the chance to learn some valuable life skills.

[Frankie230]

I could of written all of this!

I have a 3 year old and she is HARD work, the housework never ends, I work full time and try to be as social as possible on weekends - which may add to the chaos, but I feel like I need it too.

I wish I had advice to give, but just want to let you know, you're not alone. I really miss my old life.