I don't know what to do

[Celoo123]

Last night my boyfriend went out. This is pretty usual for him because he likes to drink, a lot...
But when I asked him what he did last night (regarding what he did with his friend at the pub) he just said drank and danced. I laughed and said oh you danced with your friend? And he said yeah danced with L (what we'll call his friend) and stuff.
The 'and stuff' at the end threw me off a bit, so I said "oh and stuff"?
...To which he then had a complete melt down over me apparently 'overreacting' to him saying "and stuff", when I only asked once in a confused way, as in I thought it was only him and L that went out and that maybe someone else went with them too? But no, he had a full go at me saying I'm "putting him under surveillance" and "asking too many questions". He even went on to bring up that I use to get worried when he went out drinking and clubbing when we first got together (a year &three months ago) because I had a fear of him cheating on me.
I tried to explain I'm not like that now, I trust him & I wasn't insinuating anything I was just thrown off by the "and stuff", I apologised if it came across that way. But apparently I'm 'annoying' and 'wasn't listening' to him when he kept saying that I'm controlling him. I have absolutely no intention to control him.
He says this stuff A LOT. For example, he'll say "I'm going out with a friend later" and I'll reply "Oh cool where are you going?" to which he replies "Don't know". He will then go out and not tell me where he's going until either later that night or the next morning, to which I then ask again "So where did you guys end up?" and he will go on again and again that I'm putting him under surveillance.

Please, do let me know if I'm wrong. But is there any harm in wanting to know where your partner is going when they go out drinking/clubbing? I never ask him to update me thru the night, just to simply let me know beforehand... is that really surveillance? He always asks me where I'm going when I go out and I always tell him because that's just the normal thing to do? And he usually messages me all throughout my nights out asking what I'm doing or where I am. I tell him because I want him to know I care about him and want him to know I'm safe and having fun. If I don't reply he calls me.

My number one fear is leaving him because I do love him. But I really don't know what to do, and I'm really starting to think "Is wanting him to let me know where he's going really being controlling?"...

[jess334]

Hi Celoo123,

First, welcome to the forums. I hope you find some support here.

It sounds like you and your partner have different expectations from the relationship. He expects to be able to go out and do whatever he wants with whomever he wants without giving you any basic information.

This seems pretty inconsiderate to me. I don't think it's controlling to want to know where your partner is partying or even with whom. Obviously your partner doesn't think its controlling for him to check up on you?

But it matters more how you feel about this. It seems from your post that you don't like the way he is behaving.

Have you considered couples counselling? If your partner refuses to go, even counselling for just you could even helpful. The councillor could help you find a different way to speak to him about it without him getting defensive.

Please don't hesitate to keep posting if you need to chat.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Quercus]

Hi Celoo123 and welcome to the forums.

Jess334 has said it all really... Your bf does seem to have some double standards happening here which is pretty unreasonable I agree.

Perhaps it sounds petty but have you considered seeing what happens if you treat him as he does? He cannot have it both ways. Either you are both open and honest or your time alone and social life apart is your business.

You mentioned him calling frequently when you are out and that would irritate me. Like you I ask for more detail at times. But I also expect to be asked the same in return.

A comment like "and stuff" would get a clarify please from me too. It doesn't sound right.

Part of me wonders is this friend a girl by any chance? The only time in my life I got the defensive replies like this was with an ex who preferred girl mates to blokes.

It is often an issue simply for the fact that people have to accept if you want a friend of the opposite sex and a partner I think you need to be prepared to put clear boundaries in place and be open or be willing to deal with anxiety.

You're human and it is normal to want to be treated as you treat others.

Counsellor is a good plan... But personally my gut reaction was to wonder if you feel this relationship is a healthy one? No need to answer that.

Nat

[Celoo123]

Thank you both for replying.

My boyfriend's friend that he went out with is a male. He only has a few female friends that I haven't yet met (only known each other for a month) but he has said with confidence that he would like me to hang out with them.

I don't think my bf would go to couple counselling. We're both 20 and only a year and 3 months into our relationship, and I don't know if counselling would be important yet? I'm not sure.

We were at a festival today, I was working there and he was attending. At the end of my shift I met up with him and he was wearing sunglasses I hadn't seen before. I asked where he got them from and he took far too long to tell me he got them from some girl. And then his friend chimed in saying he's been getting hit on all day. It was very confronting and unsettling to say at the least, I'm not sure but I guess it scared me a bit. I know I may have jumped to a conclusion and that I may have been catastrophising things, but it really unnerved me. I can;t stop thinkging about it and every time I do it hits me really hard, like a wave of sadness rushes over me.

I think I've hit a pretty low point in my life right now, with the stress of trying to escape a neglectful/abusive mother but not having much money to rent a place, and the fact that I'm 20 and no job will hire me ANYWHERE. I don;t have much money to buy food, I haven't been sleeping well at all and keep having nightmares and now I can't stop worrying about how my relationship is going. I find myself sometimes thinking that I'm better off single, and I mentally slap myself for thinking that but it's like an intrusive thought it just keeps coming back again and again no matter how much I tell myself to shut up. I'm also a bit worried because with all the worries in my life at the moment, I've fallen back into a depression. Sometimes I keep thinking, what's the point? What's the point of it all?

Sorry if I kind of went off track from my original post. I thought maybe it might all be relevant. I've had week long breakdowns before I had therapy earlier this year, and I'm worried I'm starting on a path to another. The last breakdown I had my bf almost dumped me because I was just a complete mess. That was around two/three months into our relationship. Not knowing if I'm good enough for my bf or if I'm doing something wrong to him (e.g. this controlling thing he says) is completely eating away at me. I want to be with him, but idk if it's doing more harm than good...

[jess334]

Hi Celoo,

A year and 3 months isn't a very long time, but counselling could still help. Especially as if you fail to resolve these problems now then they will just continue on and probably get worse. Or you will still be dealing with this issue in another year.

Intrusive thoughts can definitely be a problem for a lot of people with anxiety and depression. Usually though they are thoughts that are distressing or disturbing because they are not compatible with your values. For example - thinking that you are worthless and that life isn't worth living. You know this isn't true and that is why these thoughts upset you.

If you keep thinking that life would be easier without your partner and that you want to be single - that honestly doesn't seem like an intrusive thought - that seems like you are aware that this relationship isn't what you want it to be and you are considering other options. Which is perfectly normal! Yes these thoughts may make you sad, especially as you still love your partner, but that doesn't mean you should ignore those thoughts.

It can be really hard to leave a bad relationship when you have depression or anxiety. We tend to put all the blame onto ourselves and then assume that we will never find anyone else. That simply isn't true! It takes two people to develop a trusting and loving relationship. When two people don't have the same values it can be very difficult to make a relationship work. It can be especially difficult to leave when you don't know how you will pay rent or buy food.

Maybe you should take some time away from him to think about things? I have done this in the past when I wasn't sure about a boyfriend. If I still really loved and missed him after two weeks apart then maybe it was worth fighting for - if I found being apart from him easier, then clearly it was time to leave.

Do you have friends or family that you could stay with while you figure things out?

Are you still going to therapy? Maybe it's time to go back for a refresher? Your GP could refer you for some additional sessions and maybe even discuss anti-depressant medication? This wouldn't resolve your relationship issues of course, but it might help with the depressive and anxious thoughts.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Wizard1]

Hi Celoo123

Welcome to the forum.

What you are going through seems like it troubles you a lot and I feel sorry for the pain you are going through.

It must be terribly confusing for you when he acts defensive to your enquiries. There could many reasons for this type of response. It could be anything from hiding his miss deeds to feeling untrustworthy. I too would think I would have a hard time if I were in your shoes. Your lack of sleep and financial difficulties must exacerbate the problem too.

All the feelings you've express thus far seems reasonable. It is the responsibility of your boyfriend to gain your trust in you thus far he appears to be allusive. I think Jess334 might be right. You and your boyfriend may have your expectations and values misaligned. I would say that the two of you need to have an honest and open discussion about your expectations and values. At very least you'll learn more about each other which will either strengthen your relationship or you'll come to the realization that the two of you are not compatible.

As for going on a tangent, don't feel sorry about this. You are free to express yourself in anyway. That is the purpose to this forum. If you started therapy before it might be best to start again just keep yourself in check. Also don't believe you need to be in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with being single. Jess334 is right about your thoughts on this, you are trying to process whether your relationship is working. You are worthy of someone's affection and love but your current boyfriend might not be the right one to give it to you.

I hope you can sort it out and you can always discuss things on this forum if you need too.

Cheers
Wizard.