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Husband walked out on me

nwjhl
Community Member
My husband walked out on me early April, said he doesn’t love me anymore and needs time to work himself out. I find out a couple of weeks ago from the husband of a women he is friends with they have been having an affair. I’ve looked back on the phone bills and there are months of calls to her sometimes 2hours long. He said nothing was physical until after we separated, but as far as I was aware he just wanted his space to work his head out, it wasn’t a separation as such. They were physical only a couple of days after he left. Emotional affair now physical. I’m devastated. 22years of marriage, no problems I was aware of, he’s nearly 47 so maybe a mid life crisis. He hasn’t spoken to me at all since I found out about the affair, sends texts to our 3 girls everyday. Only one responds as the other 2 are disgusted in him for the lying and cheating. He sends me a text the other day saying he misses me and still cares about me. I’m so messed up.
7 Replies 7

j66
Community Member

Dear nwjhl

I'm so sorry for you and your daughters. Your situation, including him being 47, the month of April and 20 yrs married, sounds very similar to mine so I completely understand why you feel so messed up. I thought I was okay until last weekend when the grief really hit me. Trying to get my head around the betrayal and deceit is hard. Someone mentioned I should try and forget about the other woman which I'm trying to do.

Unfortunately, my husband still lives at home and he also tells me he still loves me, which is doing my head in.

I'm having a phone counselling session shortly which I hope to get something out of. Is that something perhaps you could try? To talk it through. I've been looking online for women's support groups in Australia for our situations so if I find anything I'll pass it on if you're interested.

Looking after ourselves is the most important thing to do for now. One step at a time. Be kind to yourself xx

Basil85
Community Member
What a tough time for you. As difficult as it is try putting your husband to the side. He will have regrets and mess with your head. Instead seek wise counsel. Seek out good friendships with other woman. Take up hobbies long forgotten. Take time to heal. Grow in knowledge of who you are and explore your own hopes and dreams. It will get better, you will find your joy back and live your life to the fullest.

GoodWitch
Community Member

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be horrific to have this sprung upon you in this manner, when as far as you were concerned everything was going along as it should be. It is however a far too common situation.

I don't know if this is the case with your husband, but many men find open communication terrifying and would rather suffer in silence than say honestly they are unhappy. But the unhappiness is still there and they end up blaming something/someone external (often their partner) and concluding that if they change their partner they can fix their unhappiness. Women do this too of course, but in this case we're talking about your husband. I'm sure he does miss you, he's used to the life you had and anything new, while exciting, is also going to be scary. He may wish to keep the comfort of you around while he explores other options, which is not fair to you. I suggest you implement clear guidelines about when and why he can contact you. It's confusing to have him say he misses you while he's sleeping with someone else.

You can second guess all you like as to why your husband has done this, but ultimately you can't answer that if he won't open up about it. Will he go to counselling with you?

You also can't control his behaviour. You can only control how you respond. The fact is he has left you for another woman (whether the affair was physical before he left the house is immaterial, it is now and it seems he left in order to pursue that). I hope you find the strength to not let him use you as a comfort zone while he's figuring out whether he wants you or her. Please look after yourself and your children first and foremost during this time because it seems your husband is going through a period of selfishness (only you know if he has always been or if this is out of character) and is not going to put you or his children ahead of his own needs right now. As long as he is in that headspace he may be more of a hindrance to you than a help.

Do you have any friends you can confide in? Are you okay financially while this is going on? My concern here is how you're going to cope. Reach out for whatever help is around, you may find there is a lot of it.

Please keep posting here whenever you need to vent. You are not alone.

GW

nwjhl
Community Member

He hasn’t been near myself or the children for 2 weeks, since we found out about the affair. He texts them daily but only 1 of the 3 is replying. The other 2 are so disgusted in him. I do now believe he left to pursue this affair and telling me he didn’t love me was probably an easy way out for him. He is a very selfish person, always puts himself first, always have. We have just decided as a family to continue on , let him deal with his own battles.

I do have friends and family to confide in, I am relying on them far to much I believe but the tears just won’t stop. I have just picked up a part time job, only very minimal he’s but enough to get me out of the house.

I still want him back, I love him

Helenmc
Community Member

I'm so sorry for your situation.

Its so hard when you still love them and want them back and they completely ignore you. My husband walked out 9 weeks ago out of the blue ... we had just had an Easter BBQ got into a heated argument things were said he got in his car . He hasn't contacted me in 9 weeks although he still reads my messages still has our wedding bands on his FB some days I feel I've got this others I'm a mess. Some days I feel I'm ok I don't need to contact him others I fail. I'm Just not sa priority anymore.

Keep doing things for you and your kids keep as busy as you can

miracles can happen x

nwjhl
Community Member
Being strong is all we can do Helenmc. I’m still a mess. Tears flow at any time. He still hasn’t wanted to make an effort to talk. A friend has spoken to him , but didn’t delve too much. He believes he is deeply depressed and needs to talk to a professional. I still have hope but rejection is so hard.

nwjhl
Community Member
Now over 4 weeks and still have heard nothing from him. He’s still texting the kids and they just don’t respond . He’s made no further effort to contact him. I’m in limbo, I haven’t texted him or tried to contact him. I’m trying to think about me and put him to the back f mind hoping he will realize what he’s missing but I don’t know if this will happen.