Husband ending marriage - severely depressed

[Cjm158819]

I am completely at a loss. My husband who has been my best friend and soul mate for 15 years ended our marriage.

He is staying with his mum, barely has any stuff and has left everything at home.

He started with the I love you but not in love with you line. In my mind that means the spark is gone as we are wrapped up in everyday life, kids etc. Life is hard we both work full time, have a demanding 3 and 6 year old.

After he said this, we had an amazing week together and bonded well. Then all came to blows one night where he kept threatening suicide and left in a rage. Next day he ended it. 

He stopped his medication suddenly a couple months prior. 

He will not try and work on our marriage. Everytime I ask to not make decisions when he is severely depressed he yells and screams and tells me to stop. This has been going on 4 weeks and everyime I try to talk about everything he won't answer, says it's over and there's no trying. It's like he suddenly projected all his hurt in life onto our marriage. We were happy, lockdown took a toll on him and he was diagnosed as severely depressed. He has a lot of childhood trauma. We were always open and spoke about everything. He has changed into someone I don't know. It's like the man I married literally died in front of me. 

I've taken on the load of everything while he's tapped out and he couldn't care less. I snapped tonight and told him I'm completely done as he won't have a rational conversation about everything so I can move on with my life.

This is emotional torture for me, so I'm cutting all contact now. One minute he didn't blame the marriage and said he's numb to everyone and everything and the next it's over its over I've told you a million times. 

If it was a toxic marriage, if there were major issues I would accept and move forward and wouldn't of been fighting.  

He has mentioned he's worse since he left our home. He's on week 4 of his medication again and his dose has been upped as he is worse.

He makes me feel like I'm crazy and he keeps saying I'm pushing. He has no idea the effect of all of this on his family. I snapped tonight as I have the full time pressure of 2 demanding kids and a high pressure job. 

[geoff]

Hello Cjm, you can't necessarily mention or list any problems you believe may have caused all of this because even that won't be enough to help him, and it's not fair on you to do any of this, as this can quite easily cause problems for yourself and that's what you don't need.

When a person suffers from this, they turn into another person, probably one you haven't seen before and act strangely, that's this illness causing all of this, so whatever you try and do, may not satisfy how he is feeling, so it may not be you that has to change and get help, it's your husband that needs to realise that he needs help, because something has suddenly made him feel like this, and that may be difficult for him with MI.

Geoff.

Life Memnber.

[Cjm158819]

Thanks Tony and Geoff.

Appreciate both your comments.

This behavior is so out of character for him, in 15 years he has never acted in such a way, so you are right it's someone I have never seen before.

It is so difficult to navigate. I want to be there for him, I want to help. But I know I can't. My heart is constantly broken. He is the best dad in the world to my kids, I know he's not right if he's putting his all into working. 

I won't give up hope, but I am letting him be. I don't want to push him anymore. I hope one day he knows it was out of love.

I went over it all with our GP today who us treating him. He advised a minimum of 6 weeks with medication and to leave him be as men process differently to women. Going to do my best to keep busy.

Thanks again for responding, makes me feel less alone and crazy!

[teamwork]

Dear Cjm. My heart breaks for you because i know exactly what your going through. It's now been 7 months since my husband left home and is staying with his parents. We have been married 14 years and have 3 children (14,10,6) and like you - i continue to hold the fort trying to take the pressure of him. The only difference between your situation and mine is that my husband is in complete denial that he has a problem. I started to notice last year that he was becoming emotionally unavailable, using unhealthy coping mechanisms, burying himself in work, he was working crazy hours and everytime i tried to talk about him and how he was feeling, he made it out to be about work. So i gave him space, did all the things a supportive wife would do to help. And in the end out of no where - i also got told that he's lost all of his feelings for me and within a week of that discussion - he left home. We have had several conversations - alot of them ended in heated arguments because he doesn't see how his actions have effected me or the kids. He has said that it's not my fault, it's him. He's lost all interest in things, feels numb, was stressed out and burnt out from work. But, then in other conversations - he would say hurtful things to make it out like i was part of the problem that confused me to think I did something wrong. It made me sit for hours going through everything in my head to pick out what i could have done. And like you - i also apologised even if it was not my fault. He stopped communicating with me and everytime i pushed for a proper conversation I was met with the one liner's - i'm fine or it's ok or let it go. We even had an argument yesterday because he has stopped spending time with our kids, and I had to bring it up with him. He has told me in conversations that he feels very disconnected from everything especially me. And I didn't want him to feel disconnected from our kids. So I asked him to think about what he's doing and asked him to spend more time with them. He ended up blaming me for creating a gap between him and the kids, which left me scratching my head. I'm the one trying to bridge the gap so was very confused. And most of our conversations are just this - so confusing. I am so glad you are getting some help you need. Please remember to take a break for yourself - and for the sake of your kids.

[teamwork]

It took me 5 months to get a psychologist that suited me. And it's the best money I have spent for/on myself. I needed direction in the midst of a pool of self blame, rejection, abandonment, and so much more. I'm starting to realise that until my dear H realises he needs help - i must continue on and be there for our kids. I'm sure like me - you miss the acknowledgement, appreciation etc from your husband. Please know that you are appreciated, what your doing is being an amazing mum to your 2 beautiful babies. Please reach out - if you need to. No one needs to go through this on their own. Happy to support you virtually if you ever want to talk. 

[Cjm158819]

Dear teamwork

It's so nice to hear from someone going through the same thing. I am so so sorry you are going through this. The pain cannot be described.

I hope you are looking after yourself, I hope you are okay and more than happy to be there for you virtually as I know how hard this is 😞 xx

[teamwork]

Thanks for the response Cjm. I’m ok. Believe it or not I see my husband every single day. Sometimes twice a day. He comes to see the kids off to school and visits them after work as well. Coparenting is tough but, I have boundaries that we both stick to for the sake of the kids. My husband is a wonderful man, and I am learning to seperate him from the depression. He knows I will always be there for him when he is ready to decide what he wants to do. I can see and sense a lot of guilt, blame, sadness and burden in the way he expresses himself very rarely in between sentences. It’s the passing comments that truely speak and convey a message. I have tried and tried to get him to seek assistance. But, it’s of no use. I just continue to pray that’s he sees that there is light at the end of the tunnel and a better life than the one he is currently living. 
how is your no contact situation? And more importantly how are your kids? It must be difficult. I remember my youngest was quite emotional for her daddy especially at bedtime. It was so hard managing her emotions when I was also breaking.

I hope your husband is ok and there is improvement with his meds.  
thank you so much for checking in. I’m 7 months in so please lean on me and we will get through it together. 

[Cjm158819]

I am so glad you are okay.

I'm barely seeing him at the moment, all he does is work. He's told me he's blocked everyone out but me. We've briefly spoken over text here or there I told him I'm not doing well mentally. He wasn't as abrupt as usual. Me and my son have covid and are in isolation. He finally offered to drop stuff off tomorrow but I ignored the message. It kills me as the man he was would never leave us in this state. My daughter told me daddy ran away. She's 3. It's killing me.

I'm barely on my phone, I just don't want to text him. Yesterday I said I'll never force him to come home, but I hope he remembers what we have and let me in one day. Then this morning I had 2 messages seeing how we all were and offered to drop things off after work tomorrow as he finishes late at night tonight. I just told him the kids were good after the second message. Next week will be week 6 of the meds, I hope they help him see clearer. Or maybe he just doesn't love me. I don't know anymore, I've never felt pain this bad 😞 

[Cjm158819]

Sorry meant blocked a lot of people out not only me 

[teamwork]

Dear Cjm, 

I hope you and the kids get well soon. Hang in there. I know it’s easier said than done but one day at a time. My psychologist said something at my third appointment that stuck with me. Helped me seperate my husband from this illness. It was along the lines of depression makes a person feel so inadequate and unworthy of love that has nothing to do with you. We can’t force them to heal or fix it for them. We have no control over it. they have to find their way back through their emotions to their hearts before they can connect with you again. In the meantime - whether you stick around for that or move on is a decision that’s in your control. But the one thing that’s most important is that we must never internalise this to convince ourselves that it was that we were not good enough or we are in some way to blame. Because it’s not! 
Deep down I know my husband cares about me deeply and maybe love will find itself back in his heart. All I can do is be there for him and the kids. I have chosen to control what I can. And let the rest work itself out. 
I’m sure your husband will open up to you and maybe things will work out once he is settled with his meds. Just hang in there.. 

Always here to chat.. xx

[Cjm158819]

You have no idea how much that helped me... it gives me some glimmer of hope 😞 thank you so much from the bottom of my heart:(