Lost and Alone

[trappedinqld]

I need some advice. I feel like I'm trapped in my relationship and I don't see a way forward. 

My mind is so foggy. I love my kids so much and can't bear to think what will happen if I leave and how I will be able to see them. I want to make sure that I will be able to see them regularly and equally but even the thought of only seeing them sometimes hurts me so bad. But I feel stuck in a relationship that is not working and I can't communicate with my partner. She can't deal with any serious discussions and becomes histerical. It's a never-ending cycle of problems and then feeling lost and trapped which makes me just try to fix things but it's like putting on a band-aid on a broken leg. We can't seem to fix any of the underlying problems. I just don't know what to do from here. I have hardly any friends or family who I can talk to so I just feel so alone.

I've told her a couple of times that we should break up and she just threatens to take the kids and to cause me problems. I don't want to make it worse for my kids or her but I just don't see a way forward.

We recently moved to a rural property so feel very isolated and have no help from friends or family. I also work from home so there is no break from the every day issues that have gotten worse and worse. I'm sorry it's all very vague. I just don't feel comfortable sharing too many details although there a lot of things going on which ads to my situation. 

[Croix]

Dear Trappedinqld~

Welcome here to the forum, a good move on your part as if you look around you may well find others in similar circumstances and learn how they coped.

I guess there are a couple of things that come out of your post, the first being that you love your kids a lot, and to be separated from them would be the last thing you wanted. In fact this is one reason you feel trapped.

The second of course is you believe your relationship not to be working, wiht you as the fixer,  and when you try to discuss the matter with your partner she becomes hysterical and threatens to take the kids.

While that might seem extremely unhelpful there may be a chink of light. For her to become hysterical may mean she feels something she either accepts or values is in jeopardy, and can't handle that in a reasoned way. If she does put some value on the relationship then maybe there is a path forward.

I know you mentioned moving to a rural property, which means facilities may be a fair way away, however have you ever considered couples counseling? Sometimes an outside person can smooth panic reactions and get people talking about their problems in a more constructive way

What do you think?

Croix

[trappedinqld]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me.

I think you're right about couples counseling. I've mentioned it before but my partner doesn't like talking about herself and her problems. It's probably the only thing that will help us at this stage. I just don't know how to get it started. I have actually been seeing a counsellor and she offered for both me and my partner to come and see her but my partner refused. 

I just find myself thinking about leaving every time we have an argument which makes me feel like I should follow my gut and leave but each time the issue of the kids stops me. 

Recently, my partner has started to tell me that she didn't feel loved. The problem is that I haven't felt loved for a long time too. I've also had to deal with her post-natal depression and suicide attempt. I'm so confused.

[Croix]

Dear Trappedinqld~

I guess if I was in your situation I'd be backing of, maybe not intentionally, but just as a result of not feeling together with my partner. A sort of chicken and egg situation. Maybe this is what she is picking up on.

While I'm very glad you have the support of counseling, particularly wiht your partner's history  I am wondering what medical support your partner has had for her post-natal depression and attempt to take her life.

While she may not want to go to counseling now maybe that might change. One thing that could draw you closer together is a Safety Plan. This is something a person reaches for when in distress. At such times I've have almost no capacity to think or make choices so the plan has to be simple and effective

I use a free smartphone app called BeyondNow

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It has a special section for things one can do for oneself -as well as all the usual information you might expect. This section is the most useful as beforehand you put in as many things as you like that distract, amuse, bring hope or just change the mood.

Now I found that is fine, and does tend to work, however thinking of the things to put in is often just about impossible. This is where someone that knows the person can take part and remember for them. Just putting this all together as two people can bring them closer together.

I've everything in mine from books to movies, to comedy clips to umpteen different things, including walking the dog and going for a coffee. Everyone will have a different list - though each item needs to be very specific -not just "play music" but "The Stones - Paint it Black". Remember making choices is simply too hard at such times.

So do you think this might be something worth a try?

Croix