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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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itsagamble Relationship break up. Am I an abuser? Feeling confused.
  • replies: 24

I don't know what I want from this. I think its just a place to air my feelings and gain perspective.I have been suffering from stress over not being paid by work and bills and rent getting ahead of me. THe past couple of weeks I have expressed frust... View more

I don't know what I want from this. I think its just a place to air my feelings and gain perspective.I have been suffering from stress over not being paid by work and bills and rent getting ahead of me. THe past couple of weeks I have expressed frustration with various things by swearing unnecessarily for instance when I receive another bill, or another message from work demanding more while I still remain unpaid. Anyway, last week on Tuesday (today is thursday week 2) I was at my partners house sitting with her on the couch. She was studying for a jo interview and I was reading my emails. I received a rude email from my property manager and swore under my breath (f'ing c). My partner asked if I wanted to talk about something and I said no babe, its ok. A few minutes later she said she was going to my home to get her jacket for the job interview and could I cook dinner, which I said yeah sure. Not long after she phoned and said I had made her feel unsafe and asked that she be alone tonight so I said OK and left. When I arrived home she had not only taken her jacket but also all of her belongings that she normally leaves here. I messaged her and asked whats up, why have you taken your stuff and apologised for making her feel unsafe. She then followed up with a tirade saying she didnt have to explain herself, she had been in DV situations before and she shouldnt have to make an excuse to leave her home so she could feel safe asking me to go. Now, I am not and was not aggressive at all, I simply swore. I went to call her to talk and she had blocked me. Sent an apology the next morning and she basically said 'not good enough etc'" so i gave her some space that day. That night she blocked me on instagram. I saw that and quickly sent her another lengthier apology explaining I understood how I hurt her etc. Still not good enough so I sent a further one along with an explanation of things I had done for her, defending myself in that I didnt see it as a big thing. She said she was done with the conversation so I left her be Thursday, Friday and on Friday night she posted photos on facebook which I commented on, along with 12 others. She 'loved' all of their comments, but intentioanlly left mine unliked which was upsetting. Next morning I attempted a more in depth apology, she thanked me for my heartfelt apology but it wasnt enough as she was hurt by some of the things I had said.

Marlz17 Emotionally immature partner
  • replies: 3

i'm in a new-ish relationship with a guy who is really great most of the time.I suffer from panic disorder and some anxiety which is mostly under control but can flare up from time to time.Last night was one of those times. We'd spent the day out wit... View more

i'm in a new-ish relationship with a guy who is really great most of the time.I suffer from panic disorder and some anxiety which is mostly under control but can flare up from time to time.Last night was one of those times. We'd spent the day out with his friends and he'd been a bit distant with me (not talking to me much etc) which bothered me a little bit. I ended up going home and I was feeling anxious and things bubbled over and I ended up having a panic attack and feeling pretty awful.I messaged him and told him I'd had a rough night and explained what had happened and his response was "you poor thing. hopefully you feel better tomorrow. i'm going to get some sleep now"He didn't ask why I was upset, didn't call me or offer to come and see me.Like I said, most of the time he's great, but it seems like when I'm having a tough time he doesn't know how to deal with it which in turn leaves me feeling even worse and even less supported. I don't know how to explain to him that I need more support during these times. It can be hard to ask for help. Even just a phone call would have meant a lot. I'm normally pretty good at communicating how I feel and what I need but this guy just doesn't seem to get it sometimes. I'm sure I'll talk to him about it at some point and hopefully we'll sort things out but just writing it down here is good therapy. Thanks for reading.

mof2 Pregnant and break up
  • replies: 3

I’m 5 months pregnant and the relationship has ended. I feel panic. He talked me out of getting a termination earlier, he strung me along and now i feel like I wish I had gone with my gut instinct. Now the relationship has ended. I tried to get an te... View more

I’m 5 months pregnant and the relationship has ended. I feel panic. He talked me out of getting a termination earlier, he strung me along and now i feel like I wish I had gone with my gut instinct. Now the relationship has ended. I tried to get an termination but the hospital has made it very difficult and made me wait 3 weeks I got a pregnant Dr who guilted me about the termination and when I said you have now denied this she was taken aback. I was sure I wanted it. I don’t want this baby. I don’t know how to cope. This is a nightmare. I have a toddler and I’m going through a divorce this is going to impact me and my other child financially. meanwhile I haven’t had any support from this baby father and haven’t heard from him. I can’t sleep.

Anxiousandsleepless Help with Compulsive Lying
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I have been bullied most of my life and have lived in poverty for about the same time. I used to lie as a kid and a teen to appear cooler than I was, or to fit in. I knew I was lying and I felt guilty; but never guilty enough to not do i... View more

Hi everyone, I have been bullied most of my life and have lived in poverty for about the same time. I used to lie as a kid and a teen to appear cooler than I was, or to fit in. I knew I was lying and I felt guilty; but never guilty enough to not do it. Then I entered an abusive relationship in my late teens, and I acted so horribly myself that I was terrified of people ever finding out what I did or how I acted.Then I met some lovely people approximately 10 years ago and I became friends with them. These people are adorable and sweet; they are all well off and live the kind of lives we could only dream of. Only problem, they made me feel inadequate. They had money, they travelled, I would get bullied or the side eye when it was made clear I hadn’t travelled anywhere as near as much as them. I was embarrassed. Poverty has had me in the same place for years and I don’t get to travel. So I started lying about where I was born and where I grew up. Also where I went to school (in case any of these people met these bullies). I told these lies and these people were still my friends, they really liked me and thought I was this wonderful and caring person. My parents were poor so I lied about the jobs they did as well. I was bullied as a kid because mum didn’t work. I always felt bad, but again, never enough to stop.My life to them seems way cooler than the drab and sad existence I have lived until now. I often lied about my age to try and fit in when I didn’t need to lie about my age (with different people to these). I have drifted apart from these people because of life these days; and I still love them so much. However, I have hurt them by lying and letting them believe I’m a person I’m not. I’ve also come to the conclusion I MUST STOP LYING. For good. And I need to tell these people. They don’t deserve to be hurt by me anymore. I desperately want to stop lying and live a life free from lies. I met new people last night and I told the truth about my life. They didn’t judge. I know I will lose these friends because of I’ve done. I just don’t know how to do it. I’m too cowardly to do it in person, but I don’t know if a text message is the right way either. I want to stop hurting them. What do I do?

white knight Empathy, the lost art
  • replies: 6

A good percentage of people with mental health conditions have a minimum of expectations from loved ones or workmates with understanding. This is a trap because when we need empathy and don't get it we feel rejection and that adds to our woesHumans v... View more

A good percentage of people with mental health conditions have a minimum of expectations from loved ones or workmates with understanding. This is a trap because when we need empathy and don't get it we feel rejection and that adds to our woesHumans vary so much. Some don't have communication skills, punctuality, work ethics, reasonable morals, restraint, humour and so on. With those deficiencies we think "that's them, it isn't in them". But when we don't get empathy we struggle to accept that quality lacking. Why? They can't SEE the illnessThey have no mental illness knowledge They have low emotionthey are protecting themselves from emotional discussionsOther reasonsWe have options- Respect their lack of capacities Discuss issues with those that can relate and/or that treatLack of display of empathy doesn't mean they have no heartGive empathy for those that cannot offer it, for its an art lost TonyWK

jt123 Transition- separated to divorce
  • replies: 2

Hey team, I want to thank this forum for giving me an opportunity to reach out. Well he it goes. Together 13 years, married 7, children 4 and 6. Our relationship was very strong before children. We were a great team prior to children. Our oldest chil... View more

Hey team, I want to thank this forum for giving me an opportunity to reach out. Well he it goes. Together 13 years, married 7, children 4 and 6. Our relationship was very strong before children. We were a great team prior to children. Our oldest child is does struggle with regulating her emotions. This has been difficult with two different parenting styles. appox 8 months ago she said to me that she wanted a break/ trial separation. This hit me for a six, don’t get me wrong things had been difficult in our relation ship prior to this but much of an eb and flow concept. I didn’t think this would happen( after everything I have read most men don’t). I fell into a unknown hole. I didn’t sleep for the first 3 days and was required to seek medical aid to sleep. We agreed to live 1 week on and 1 week off with the children not leaving the house. This went on for 6 months. During this time admittedly I did marriage courses, psychotherapy, psychology, and hypno therapy. I was determined to keep my family together. During the 6 months she lived as a single women. We did marriage counselling where only one party was really invested. I look back now and see that she was gone at the begging of the trial separation. About two months ago she said she wanted out. It was almost relief as I had spent the last six months almost unable to function. I was single parenting and holding a new job. I look back at this and belief I am a lot stronger than I first thought. my biggest struggle now is moving towards the divorce, negative thought of her with new men which is inevitable. She is now a single and free to do as she pleases. But it still hurts. Also the realisation that the communication is also changed between us. No more sharing cute things about the kids or funny jokes. Any advice on moving forward in a positive manner would really be beneficial. And if you have read this and taken the time to respond I thank you!

LLC Starting again after 30
  • replies: 5

Hello, My partner (30, F) and I (31, M) recently separated after almost 6 years together. The relationship was difficult for both of us, particularly within the last 18 months, due to our respective mental health issues. I have suffered most of my li... View more

Hello, My partner (30, F) and I (31, M) recently separated after almost 6 years together. The relationship was difficult for both of us, particularly within the last 18 months, due to our respective mental health issues. I have suffered most of my life from anxiety and depression, while she has lived with a more complex condition involving trauma, eating disorders and self harm. I’m feeling pretty devastated at the moment, and have been struggling to cope day to day despite having the support of my family. I also have an appointment booked with my psychologist next week, though that feels unbearably far away at the moment. On some level, I recognise that the pain, sadness and fear I’m feeling will likely dull with the passing of time — this has been the case with previous relationships that have ended — but this time around, I’m struggling to know where or how to find that hope of starting again. I’m over 30, yet no more secure financially or professionally than I was when the relationship began. I feel as if my peers have either moved on or settled down to start families, while I’m effectively back to square one. And I have this overwhelming sense of failure, as though the relationship was one of the few things that made me a proper, functioning adult. Is my life at a dead end? Am I too old to be trying to get my life back on track? Will I ever have the chance of having another relationship? Perhaps those are silly or unhelpful questions, or there isn’t enough information about my circumstances to answer them properly. But they are in my head a lot at the moment, and I feel desperate for some sense of hope or perspective. which reading these forums has given me in the past. Thanks, L.

Jupiterme How to let go and have an amicable separation.
  • replies: 1

Dear All,I hope you are all well.I am currently going through a separation with wife of 22 years (2 children aged 10 and 12) and feeling depressed, scared and at a loss.I can understand and accept the basis for the separation but unfortunately I am s... View more

Dear All,I hope you are all well.I am currently going through a separation with wife of 22 years (2 children aged 10 and 12) and feeling depressed, scared and at a loss.I can understand and accept the basis for the separation but unfortunately I am struggling to reconcile with the way in which the ex-wife brought things to an end.Despite there being no easy way, she did it in a way that was very cruel.How does one reconcile the significant impact on their emotions with the expectation that one must relinquish any ill-feelings almost at the same time or not long after upon entering formal separation proceedings ?I understand the need to let go for our children and having an amicable divorce but how do you realistically and practically do this ?With little time to process your emotions and compounded by demands from lawyers and the rest of life's responsibilities, how do you find an emotional pathway to navigate your way through an amicable, fair and reasonable separation/divorce ?To avoid potential conflict I am feeling myself withdraw from the separation process. I don’t like feeling this way and any thoughts or advice would be most welcome.JupiterMe

Dazedandconfused123 Want a separation
  • replies: 12

I've decided I want to separation from my husband. Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husban... View more

I've decided I want to separation from my husband. Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husband. I have suggested counselling a few times to him (was met with - "i don't think it's needed"), and after being brutally honest about my unhappiness 4 weeks ago and telling him to organise couples counselling to help save us, he hasn't done a thing. I am looking to seek legal advice as we own property and have a child, and I'm trying to save money in secret, as he looks after the finances (one of the toxic behaviours I have learnt). So, this comes to my conundrum. I need to ask for separation, but I don't know when I should. Should I wait until I have enough money saved to move out if needed? Should I say something soon and force a counselling session (i hear this looks better for divorce/custody etc). We have a family holiday overseas planned in 5 weeks time, should I do it before then or go on the holiday and pretend everything is ok? Really appreciate any advice, it's not something you can easily ask friends!

Clare93 Break up mistake?
  • replies: 5

Hi all,I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. Things were amazing to begin with, moved quickly with 'i love you' at 4 weeks and being officially around the same time. Conflict started to arise pretty early on, around 6-8 weeks. He started... View more

Hi all,I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months. Things were amazing to begin with, moved quickly with 'i love you' at 4 weeks and being officially around the same time. Conflict started to arise pretty early on, around 6-8 weeks. He started to get upset with me for things like not going straight home when i was out with friends, said that if i cared more about our date the next day i would have gone home. Or would take offense to something i said, and i found myself apologizing for what he thought I meant. We had so many conversations about not making assumptions and asking questions, being curious as we were still getting to know each other. I'm quite an anxious person so when we'd fight or have conflict i'd want to talk about it in person or on the phone and he preferred messages. But then in the messages he'd be critical of me, and tell me I needed to slow down my responses and be less impulsive. He said my impulsivity was toxic. Things ended after another fight where he told me what i meant - he told me i belittled him when he'd misunderstood what i was saying, and told me i needed to apologize. I felt like i was losing myself and ended it. I'm now 4 weeks on and I miss him so much. We were fighting a lot, like twice a week, and it would always end up in texting back and forth and me feeling so anxious i felt sick a lot of the time. We'd said we would stop text battling but neither of us seemed to be able to stick to it. I have been able to reflect and see what I would do differently if we were to get back together. I miss all the good bits, he was so caring out of conflict, so supportive, and we had such fun. I really believed he loved me. My friends and family think he was controlling and said i was more sad than happy towards the end. I asked him if he wanted to make things work and he asked for some time and space to think about it, it's been 3 days and i haven't heard from him. I feel sick all the time, anxious to hear from him. I feel like a nightmare. I don't even know how I'd tell my family if i was going to try things with him again. But i'm worried i lost a really good man, if only we could work through our communication in conflict, like if he could be kinder and try to understand my perspective. Instead of telling me that my perspective is wrong, or i need to represent myself more accurately. I don't know what to do. Do I just wait to see what he says? How can I calm my nervous system in the meantime? Thanks xx