Child asking for a dad

[anon143]

My child has recently turned 5 within the last few months. He is an only child. I’ve had sole ‘custody’ of him since he was 1. Even though his father and I separated when he was one, I tried to co parent with his father but it was not reciprocated. Our separation was/is still very messy 4 years on. A lot of DV etc. Eventually I will file for divorce, hopefully in 2024. 

Lately, my boy has been asking for another baby or two & a new dad. In his words, he says that his dad is mean to him (I won’t go into details but I understand and know what he is talking about; abuse). I’m not sure if I’m telling my boy the right thing by saying something along the lines of he loves you very much, I know he doesn’t show it, but deep down he does. I feel like I don’t even believe that, but more so that I want to believe that for him. It feels like I’m giving him false hope or something. I’ve always wanted to have his dad in his life but his father makes it impossible to coparent civilly. I’ve given up trying to include his father in updates about our child. He doesn’t respond to emails, texts or phone calls. My last straw was recently after our child was hospitalised yet again. I know he got my email as he had a family member of his make contact with us to be in the loop with it all. I explained to this family member that we hadn’t heard from him and the family member said they’d pass it on. I tried to ring again and wasn’t answered. 

So recently, my son has been asking for a new dad. This has been going on for a few months now. He always comes out randomly with it. I don’t really know how to address this with him as he is only five and it just catches me off guard. Like tonight for example, I explained that if he were to get a new dad, I’d have to get a new boyfriend and I’m just not ready for all of that (I think this was the best way to answer it for now). He responded that he just wants a dad for our home in our town as his father lives in a different state to us. 

Do all children do this? Is there something I should be looking into? I’m waiting for our paed appointment and will see our gp this coming week so will ask about it then. How do I support my son through this? What can I say?

I’ve asked him why he wants a new dad & he always gives very vague answers, so I’m not even sure if it’s what he really wants. I explained that if he wants another sibling, again I’d need a husband and I’m just not able to focus on bringing yet another life into it. I’m also worried about another person cutting into my son and I’s life, environment, wellbeing and so forth. My son needs me and I just want to make sure he’s right before I go worrying about another man let alone another tiny human. 

Thanks for reading. Advice would be most appreciated. Tia 

[tranzcrybe]

Out of the mouths of babes...
Your son has a delightful naivety and simple solution: his dad is broken, and he just wants a new one. He is unlikely to understand conditional reasoning (if, then, therefore).

If, like most kids, he watches television, he will surely have seen stylised families - a tough act to follow in anyone's situation; but also his peers (childcare, and school soon?) might be asking those inevitable questions leaving him feeling deprived and having little to contribute.
He wants to fit in and have the same affinity with his dad which everyone deserves.

Sadly, the father does not realise his obligation (if only morally) to nurture his son, putting aside marital differences. Fathers play such a vital role in raising children so, in your son's straightforward observation, he may have a point.

Ideally, the father will step up to the plate once the aggravation dissipates. Despite hostilities, you both remain partners of a common entity (your son) and share in the responsibilities to provide care.

At the same time, your reticence to make the same mistake twice might abate enough to open your heart and mind to another loving relationship, making the prospect of additional children more appealing.

As to how you explain this to your son, I would use the trusty "We'll see" approach and redirect.

He does not relate to your anguish and conflict (although probably senses it indirectly that things are not as they should be with you) so his comments are triggering for you unintentionally and not necessarily seeking explanation.

That's a conversation for another day.