Navigating gift giving with my in-laws that don't care about me: Advice?

[Sensible Sea]

Context: I've been with my wife now for over 7 years. She's not currently speaking with her mother due to her mother behaving in inappropriate ways. Her mother has tried to come between us multiple times and said some things about me that can never be unsaid. She's not sorry or remorseful in any way, and has turned the other family members against me, accusing me of taking her daughter away from her. My in-laws don't care about me, to put it simply - for example, none of them wished me happy birthday this year. They've unfriended and blocked me on social media, even though I haven't said/done anything to warrant that kind of response. They blame me for my wife not speaking to her mother, when that was her decision entirely. Her family refuses to see my wife as an individual who can make decisions for herself. I just support her in any decisions she makes. 

Now, my wife would like to send a Christmas gift to her family - but they all still live under one roof. She thought a "hamper" of sorts, something the family can share without making it too personalised or individual, might be a good way to go. I'm supporting her in whatever she wants to do - in fact I'm going to be helping her put the hamper together for them. She wants me to sign the card as well. I said I would do that for her. She said it sends the message that we are a "united front" and that her family can't just "get rid of me" - it shows that I'm "not going anywhere", so to speak. 

But personally I've been feeling conflicted about it. I don't like to show kindness towards people who have been so unkind to me. I keep telling myself I'm just doing it for my wife, because it makes her happy, and she's right about being a united front. Truthfully, I still care about my in-laws, but they've really hurt me and I wish I cared less. Now I'm just wondering how far do I go with this? If my wife wants to send them gifts for their individual birthdays in the future, do I sign the card then too? I will do this for her this Christmas but just struggling to navigate with it going forward. My in-laws have made it very clear they do not accept me or care about me, but only my mother in law has outwardly admitted this. The others silently resent me. I know they're trying to push me away, so I guess I need to keep "showing up", but if that's not welcomed by them I just don't know where I stand or what the right thing to do really is. 

[Croix]

Dear Sensible Sea~

Welcome back ot the Forum. I did read the sort of things your MIL was saying in your thread from the start of last year and was pretty dismayed at the cruelty and selfishness displayed.

Could I suggest that if they were not your in-laws and your wife's parents then you would probably walk away and leave them to it. However the is a larger picture, your wife does have two sets of people in her life, her original family, and here more recent one -you.

I guess the most important thing is that your wife puts you first. That is the most fundamental part of a relationship and if you feel secure in that then maybe you can afford to be generous and do what you can to support your wife. I'm sure that way she will see you as the loving and tolerant  backstop to her life.

The fact you sign a card, or help make up a hamper is for her sake -as you rightly say. It is not a reflection on you trying to have any sort of relationship with your in-laws at all.

As part of a family where it was my mother who was the toxic problem. I let her say what she wanted (she'd never change) and both my wife and I ignored her words and actions, letting her see it was water off a ducks back. We remained simply polite and left it at that.

Croix

[Sensible Sea]

Thank you so much for this perspective, it's truly so helpful! I'm also sorry you had to deal with similar issues with your mother.