Father not speaking to me - advice

[rebecca_s]

Hi everyone, 

looking for advice on a complicated topic. 
my dad has a history of not talking to me, mum or siblings. Like we will have a fight, he will have a big blow up and go radio silent for a few days/weeks. When he’s ready he acts normal again but there is never any conversation of the actual problem. 
recently, I (22F) found out I got into medicine and have to move interstate. I never told my dad I was applying as I feared his reaction, he is very traditional. Well it did not go down well. He was screaming at me saying I am choosing a career over family, how can I break his heart, and my boyfriend and I are too young to move together and will put a strain on my relationship.

this was over a month ago and he hasn’t spoken to me since. I have tried extending the olive branch by saying hello, goodbye, look at this cute video - and nothing. 
Now I have grown up this was and know what he’s like. But here is where I do not know what to do - he is also ignoring my boyfriend and his family. I find this so utterly disrespectful and so does my bf. I think it’s because he is waiting for me to fail and can’t believe my boyfriend would support me through this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and have an incredibly string relationship, however, this is now starting to take its toll. 
as you can probably tell, I have an intense fear of my dad when he’s like this and I do not know how to approach it. But I am sick of him treating us this way and everyone always having to accomodate for him. Please give me advice on how to get through this. It is making me sick and sad that my last few weeks in my family home will be spent in misery. 
also, my mum is scared of him when he’s like this. She says she will speak to him but I don’t want to put her through this coz she always gets the blame. 

[quirkywords]

Rebecca _s

Thanks for sharing your story. Congratulations on getting into medicine. 
I am sorry your father is behaving like this and upsetting you at a time when you would like his support and encouragement. 
would he read an email from you?

i am sad his silence is straining your relationship with your bf. 
Below is the number of Beyond blue support line where you can talk

to a trained supportive person. Sometimes talking to someone outside your family can help show a different perspective .

1300224636 to talk to a counsellor 

Also please look after your own health as this is a stressful time . Can you talk to a sibling..?

in the past when he stops the silent treatment does he change his mind about the topic that made him silent. You say he never talks about it .

[quirkywords]

Rebecca_s

I just want to say that a father would be very proud to have such a caring  loving  and hard working daughter like you. 

[therising]

Hi rebecca

I also offer my congrats in regard to not only working toward a great opportunity but also finding an absolute keeper in you partner, someone so very caring, loving, supportive and encouraging.

I think one of the hardest things to manage in life is when someone else refuses to accept a challenge or challenges. The impact that can have on us and our life can be immense. It sounds like your dad refuses to accept the challenge of feeling for others, as opposed to simply feeling for himself (how he feels in this situation). Could also involve the challenge of moving beyond traditional ways of thinking, such as 'serve the family before yourself'. There can also possibly be the challenge of coming to question himself more, which is a problem if he sees no faults or flaws in how he thinks or what he believes in. Kind of like 'Everyone else always holds the faults or flaws and there's nothing wrong with me'. Sometimes you can be the most conscious and considerate person, trying your best to please while raising another person's consciousness, but it can be like they'd prefer to bury their head in the sand because it suits them to be this way, even if it doesn't suit anyone else around them. They like to feel how they like to feel because that's what makes them happy. Their happiness comes at a cost to others.

I recall having a conversation with someone once where I asked 'How do you manage the path you share with another when they want most things their own way?'. While their response held both truth and guidance, it felt disappointing at the same time, based on the separation factor. They advised me 'You can't force someone to walk the same path as you, whether that involves supporting you on your journey or wanting the same things as you. Sometimes the path you've shared with them will separate and that happens in life, especially when one person's nature changes and the other person's doesn't. As long as you continue to choose the best path, that's what matters'. It can be hard to let someone go their own way but if your dad has chosen the path of stewing over what's not fair to him, as opposed to helping you on your journey, let him stew. You can only try so much until you gotta leave someone on the path they've chosen. If he's always been a bit of a 'My way or the highway' kind of person, I've found at times it pays to take the highway or the higher way, the more conscious way that leads to a fulfilling sense of our evolution. In my opinion, love is found in evolution. Whoever is loving us to life is helping us evolve through life.

Focus on all those in your life who are happy to walk a loving supportive path with you as you evolve into who you are going to be, the best version of yourself, and don't let anyone stop you from being you.💖

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear rebecca,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums.

I’m m deeply sorry you’re going through this with your father, I can relate so much to how this makes you feel….my husband did the same with me and I it really hurts…..My husband would completely ignore me and my existence for days/weeks and sometimes months…..I tried everything to get him to talk to me, I could be sitting next to him, making small talk, say hello how are you as we passed each other….but to him I wasn’t there…he even wouldn’t eat dinner when I made it for him….It’s a horrible way for anyone to act…..My heart is saddened knowing you’re also going through this….

Not long after we married I discovered this about him….I would try hard to get him out of this mood when he did this to me….cry in private a lot, feel invisible, like a nobody, scared to make any mistakes or noise that might make him explode into a rage of words or physical abuse…..I though okay I’ll just not talk to him, unless he speaks to me…..That only made things worse….. he would start destroying my things, yelling and abusing me….

My husband passed 10 years ago, I never understood why he did that to me…and our children…..if a friend of his visited us when this was happening, he would talk and laugh with them…..the minute they left he did a 360 turn around and back to the silent treatment…..I began thinking over the years that because my husband had to always had be the centre of attention, maybe something made him not feel that way, so he gave the silent treatment to me and our children,  to get some kind of sympathy out of us….idk…it’s hard to know what goes on in someone’s thoughts….Maybe it’s a way for them to think they have some kind of power over us…

rebecca, please know that, it’s not you sweetheart, it’s your dad, trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do……You’re an adult lovely lady, with a boyfriend you love and a career choice that is one of being able to help people and help save lives….Follow your heart, .you need to do what’s best for you, not him….You’re an awesome person rebecca….follow your dreams…that’s what life is about….your future, your choice of career…..your dads silence treatment will end, until it does please be gentle and caring towards you…

Kind thought with my care..

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Rebecca _s just wondering how you are going. You  have support replies.

[rebecca_s]

Hi everyone, 

thank you for your reply. Your words mean a lot to me and help me realise that sometimes two people just can’t see eye to eye. On recommendation, I sent my dad a heartfelt message. But I did not get a reply. This made me feel better though because I feel I have gotten everything off my chest and I am looking forward to what is ahead in life for me and my boyfriend as we embark on the new journey. 

thank you

[Ggrand]

Dear rebecca 

I just want to wish you all the best luck for you, your boyfriend and your career…

Please take good care of you and remember we are always here for you…

Well done sending your dad a heartfelt message…

Kind thoughts Dear rebecca, good luck on your new journey….I know you’ll do good..💙🤗.

Grandy.