Let me start with a bit of background info. I’ve been with my boyfriend
for 4 years and we were dating for about a year before that. When we met
he was a heavy weed smoker, and I also smoked a lot during that time as
it was the middle of covid so I g...
View more
Let me start with a bit of background info. I’ve been with my boyfriend
for 4 years and we were dating for about a year before that. When we met
he was a heavy weed smoker, and I also smoked a lot during that time as
it was the middle of covid so I guess that’s how we began to bond. when
we became official, he moved in with me fairly quickly and things seemed
fine. But after the lockdowns it seemed like he was still smoking
ungodly amounts even though we now had to get back to daily life and our
jobs. I noticed our relationship was drifting as he mainly went to work
and then came home to smoke and play video games. As hard as it was for
me, I began to initiate serious conversations about sharing housework,
and in the moment he would always be on board and agree. He’d do his
share for a week or so then began to drop off after that, which brings
about another conversation, and repeat. I now realise that the
relationship began to break down from then on. We almost completely
stopped being intimate with each other and I became very depressed from
feeling like I was the only one who cared about our relationship and the
home that we shared. We've had a few massive fights all ending with some
sort of agreed compromise, but again he put in effort for a while and
then went back to old ways. we have 3 pets together and I work as well
as study, whereas he only works. For a long time, I’ve told him that the
majority of our fights come back to his smoking. It has caused so many
financial difficulties with him coming to me most weeks to split the
cost of his weed so he can afford it. It also made him lazy and uncaring
for problems that we were having. My studies were overwhelming me with
the amount of housework and hours at my job, so when he got offered full
time he asked me to quit my job and focus on uni. I have always provided
for myself since 17 years old, and I pushed back quite hard on this. I
ended up not quitting but reducing my hours dramatically so I study
mon-fri and work weekends. I could tell that the increase in his share
of the expenses were difficult for him, but he continued to buy weed and
ask me for money. We had so many talks about reducing his consumption,
or taking longer breaks in between buying, but he would quite literally
beg me to let him buy or help him with costs less than 12 hours after
running out. i tried to support and motivate him so much, and even
suggested seeing a professional. He kept putting off going to the doctor
to get a referral, then put off getting a psychologist appointment when
he got the referral. Then he saw the psychologist for about 4-5
sessions, and did none of the work she sent him home with, then stopped
going. 3 weeks ago we got into an argument after he begged me to get
weed and I said no. That night he said he was breaking up with me and
left a note in the morning saying that he still loves me but needs “a
complete change of scenery to stop smoking”. He has left me with all the
pets, and is currently still paying for a large portion of rent, but
will reduce that as I am now in between semesters and will be working as
much as possible. Over the 3 weeks I have been trying to message him
about what’s been going on and he keeps shutting down my attempts by
saying he needs more time. I understand that, but I do need
clarification as I’ll need to figure out how to rearrange my life if I
am to move on. But he keeps saying that he loves me and MIGHT want to
get back so I’m in this limbo. I found out that the day after he left
and a week after that he downloaded dating apps. I asked him about it
and he said that he deleted them straight away because he felt guilty.
But again, today I see he’s downloaded a FOURTH dating app? I tried to
initiate another conversation about what he’s feeling and in his reply
he said that has not smoked weed since he left me and that the reason he
smoked was because of “having to deal with me”. he also mentions the
pressure of having to support me, but I never wanted that. I guess I’m
just absolutely dumbfounded as to why he is blaming me when all I did
throughout the relationship and even now was try to communicate with him
and motivate him to be better. And what hurts even more is that I do
still love him and want to be with him, but he is constantly changing
his mind about if he wants to get back together. Do you have any advice?
I know that logically he has treated me like shit and continues to do
so, but we started creating a life together and I absolutely adore him
otherwise. How do I manage this life, my pets, and my house without him?
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
