My boyfriends porn addiction has broken me

[cherrytea]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly two years now, we are very supportive of each other and have a very strong relationship. However, a few months into our relationship I found out about his porn addiction on accident when I saw a photo of a random woman in his gallery, he got incredibly defensive when I asked who the woman was, but later opened up about his porn addiction. To help his problem, he went into therapy and went on medications. I was very proud of him and his dedication, he remained clear for nearly a year before relapsing (and again - I found out on pure accident at his work get-together when she showed a co-worker something on Instagram, and his whole For You page was full of women in bikinis.) I thought this was the last time a relapse would happen but I was wrong. For the past couple of weeks, I had a nagging feeling something wasn't right, so when he was in the shower I went through his phone and saw his search history, and saw not only was he looking at porn, but he was looking at a girls Only Fans. I didn't bother confronting him and just left for my parent's place. He came over and we had a very emotional and personal talk, I gave him the chance to tell me everything, and when I mentioned the Only Fans, he said he was only looking, he never bought a subscription. I didn't contact him for the whole weekend, and since that incident, I have been switching between staying at my parent's house and spending the night at our place, I stopped asking about his mental health and stopped making suggestions about it. 

Our relationship feels like its getting back to normal, he has definitely shown both physical and mental improvements, but the thoughts of what would've happened if I didn't find out keep me up at night. I've also dealt with a lot of self esteem issues and anorexia, so having my boyfriend look at other women is not only hurtful but incredibly triggering. I love him so much but I've worked too hard to recover from my eating disorder to have my efforts be destroyed. I've contemplated on ending the relationship because he's destroyed my trust and I just don't want to feel like I have to compete against other women for my partner's attention.

[Croix]

Dear Cherrytea~

Welcome here to the Forum where you will find if you search for 'porn' using the spyglass on the top of each page many people who have the exact same problem. You will see the advice they have received and to way they have coped.

A use of porn in all probability will have started long before the two of you got together, and although it is hard to do should really be seen as not being a reflection on you but as some sort of fantasy retreat he has needed for a long time.

If he has seen this as an addiction and he wants to stop by getting treatment that is  a big plus and if he has confided in you that shows trust and probably  desire to deal honestly wiht you.

I"m sure you are aware that deep seated habit or addictions are very hard to stop, and it is most often not a case of complete success straight away but more two steps forward, one step back.

I would thing the worst things about any addiction or secret is the lies and breaking down of trust. That is terribly corrosive to a relationship. It also means there is no chance to be supportive on wins.

Most see it as a personal criticism of their looks. I'd strongly suspect your image in not part of it at all, it is a need he has answered in that way for so long it became a habit before you met.

You are important, and having coped with anorexia which is a huge triumph over something incredibly difficult and I can quite understand you do not want to have to face that problem again by feeling you have to compare with others.

Perhaps if you both went to counceling together he may come to realise the very real harm he is doing you. I was only able to give up en entirely different addiction due to care for the welfare of my partner, I was never able to do so just for myself.

You will be welcome here anytime

Croix

[Bunny]

Hey there,

I'm sorry for how you're suffering with this. Feel free to ignore me, but I don't see porn as inherently bad. It's just a natural part of our sexualty to want to look at people we find attractive. My partner and I have been together for 10 years and enjoy porn together, we send each other things we like to look at and often when we are too tired to engage physically can enjoy porn together in bed for the start of some intimate play. 

I used to be terrified of porn too, and felt betrayed when my partner would see other people in a sexual way. But I realised it was because I was insanely insecure about myself and comparing myself to others that was the cause of my negative relationship with porn. Porn isn't something to fear or to feel shame over. It is just an expression of desire. 

It becomes an issue when it REPLACES intimacy, and if your partner feels they must hide their porn it's possible that they feel shame and fear to share that part of themselves with you because of your negative relationship with it. This is not at all your fault. I am anorexic myself (I am a model and the industry is still very cruel), I found that when I became more secure in myself and my own sexuality I was so much more comfortable with exploring porn with my partner. It is a journey but it is a worthwhile one. 

A secure and intimate relationship is one where BOTH parties can be open and honest about their attractions and desires with each other. 

Looking at someone's instagram doesn't equate to wanting a relationship with that person. Often when we are done with porn we shut the tabs because it's not about a relationship it's about sex. Don't be afraid of desire and exploring what YOU find attractive. 

My advice would be to take some time with yourself to look at porn and ask yourself what is scaring you, and why. Are you afraid your partner will leave you for another person? Are you afraid your partner will stop being attracted to you? Are you worried your partner will lose interest in intimacy with you? These are important questions to ask yourself. 

I've been where you are and if you ever want to chat more I'm here, I've been on the entire journey myself and am so grateful for the happy place my relationship is in. Porn isn't evil, it's actually great and can be really fun to share with your partner. But you have to get yourself to a place where you can be comfortable and feel SAFE doing it. And that can take a lot of communication and work. 

I wish you all the best with your challenges and hope you can find a way through this, just remember that your feelings are important and saying "I am insecure about ..." isn't a bad sentence, it's an empowering one. As long as the person you share it with is someone who wants to build you up and work with you. 

All the very best to you, lovely.