Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

My Boyfriend called me a spoilt brat & a f**king b*tch

Community Member

Hello everyone. I have an issue that happened earlier today and I'm unsure if I'm the one who behaved badly or not. 


My boyfriend was making me breakfast and I like my microwave Oats done and certain way and when I went over to try and make my Oats and told me he was going to do it. 


When it was done it wasn't the way I liked it. And I told him it wasn't the way I liked it. And then he called me a spoilt brat for not liking it and seeing he did something nice for me. 


He said that other adults would just eat it and not be a weirdo about it. 


I have Autism and like things done and certain way. And him calling me a weirdo, a spoilt brat and a f**king bitch has really hurt my feelings. 


I don't know if I did the wrong thing. I didn't eat up eating the Oats as there was too much milk in them. I struggle with food so much and he knows this. 


Was it wrong for me to tell him that i didn't like the way it was done? 


I'm unsure. 

4 Replies 4

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear PsychedelicFur~

It's nice to hear from you again -welcome back.


I guess htere are two things here:


Your trying to take over the cooking and then saying the result was not how you like it


The other is his reaction.  Now that is the easy one to deal with, he was completely in the wrong, rude, disrespectful and foul mouthed. Actually it goes deeper than that , you have mentioned in the past you had body dysmorphia and today that you struggle wiht food. If he cares about you he should have at least some idea you have these difficulties and try to make thingd you can eat.


OK, now how you behaved and what you said: If you had no eating or body issues then it could be regarded as rude to try to take over or comment on the food after it was cooked. In fact eating it anyway would have been polite.


However as you do have these problems it is a special case - like ensuring in a restaurant they do not serve anything with peanuts if you happen to be allergic to them. It is only sensible.


I guess my main worry about this whole episode is that your boyfriend does not seem to understand your issues and wildly over-reacts with no consideration that what he says will hurt.


Do you tihnk you have the sort of relationship when things are cooler you could have  talk together in a non-accusatory way and lay out the facts of your issues, and that he can hurt with what he says?



Hello Croix, good to hear from you again. Thank you for your response. 

I appreciate your insight. 


My partner and I conversed about four hours later after the issue happened. 


I said I felt hurt by the name calling, he said 'I'm sorry Sweetheart' 


And then he proceeded to tell me how my Autism got the best of me. I told him that i am not a fan certain consistencies of food and then he told me I was and still am acting spoilt and ungrateful. 


He said everytime I complain about things that accommodate my Autism it makes me look more and more ungrateful. And he said it's all take, take, take with me. 


I'm really very hurt. 


Yes I complained that the Oats wasn't done the way I would have preferred. But I didn't name call him in the situation or even later on. I don't believe my preference for wanting my Oats done a separate way warranted his reaction. 

Community Member

Hi PsychedelicFur,


I will go straight to the point… the name calling is abusive and disrespectful. That must stop.

My husband does this exact thing and he is a malignant narcissist. Abusive in every way. He’s only nice to me when he wants something from me.


I also hate the way he eats his oats. Half raw and gross. Because he’s impatient he’s used to eating them half cooked but I refuse to let him make me any. 

I should clarify that we have been married 37 years and he quite deliberately made me tea and coffee so bad that I just couldn’t drink it. Until I realised that he had never boiled the kettle. He was too impatient to wait for the kettle to boil so he would give me lukewarm tea that was just like brown water.


Any how, now that we have been married for so long, I just tell him, to don’t bother making me anything anymore especially if he’s not interested or prepared to do it properly. 

On the other hand, I would never put anything in front of him to eat that was inedible. That’s not fair either.

When you step in to do it yourself the way you like it, he should just step aside and accept it.


Be very careful of falling into the habit of just accepting his awful language and disrespecting you.


I think my husband has learnt to weaponise his incompetence in every aspect of our lives to avoid having to do anything properly. It certainly gets him out of household chores. He in 37 years hasn’t learnt to never wash a fluffy white towel with black clothing. And yes he’s washed a red tshirt with whites, turning everything pink. 

Your boyfriend needs to accept that not everyone is the same. I don’t like runny eggs but my husband eats them like that. I have often had put back on the stove and cook them a little longer. But I do admit if I get it wrong and over cook them too. Same thing with steaks. 

My point is that his language towards you is very wrong. 

Take care of yourself. Be safe. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi PsychedelicFur


There are so many challenges that can come with being an intensely feeling person. Unless someone else is also an intensely feeling person, they won't necessarily get it. It's not so much about cooked oats, for example, it's about the way we experience or sense the oats (visually, taste and temperature, texture etc). For a sensitive person, sensing can be a bit of a 'Goldilocks' experience. Too hot, too cold, just right. Too much milk, too little, just right and so on. When you can sense the way the oats are prepared, it's an issue of sensitivity or you could even say a nervous system issue if you can sense them through your nervous system. Taking the clinical diagnoses of autism and OCD out of an equation, the natural obsessive compulsion to experience what feels perfect can naturally produce what feels incredibly satisfying. Deep satisfaction is a great feeling. At some point, the question may become 'Is my need to feel everything as being perfect causing a sense of disorder or upheaval in my life, in other people's lives and in the relationships I share with people?'. I suppose you could say that if your need to feel everything as being perfect is leading your partner to feel everything as 'Not being good enough', perhaps he's met with the peak of his tolerance levels, rather explosively. He definitely could have expressed his intolerance better. Healthy mutual communication could be a challenge.


With another challenge perhaps being about a little more give and take, are there some things you like as being perfect that you could maybe manage to feel differently about, giving a little more flexibility to? Same goes for him. He could be a little more flexible when it comes to preparing perfect oats, for example. To be fair, there are certain things some couples just won't flex on but there are some things that can be negotiated.


While I have one adult kid on the autism spectrum (18yo son), I have another (21yo daughter) on the ADHD spectrum. I can relate to the needs and demands of both yet both have become a little more flexible over time, based on developing new ways of thinking, new approaches and new skills. Could this challenge with your partner be pushing you to explore new ideas, approaches and skills? In all fairness, if this is something that's going to prove a major challenge for you, he should be willing to help you evolve through the challenges. Btw, emotions can definitely be complex yet simple at the same time in some ways. If the emotion of 'pure joy' is felt through perfect oats, why would anyone not want to feel pure joy?