Cross dressing/gender dysphoric husband - can we be happy?

[ElaraJ]

Hi

I've been with my husband for 22 years and we've been married for 16 years. Shortly after we married, I discovered he liked wearing women's underwear when I wasn't around. I was young, shocked, confused and hurt. He told me he wasn't gay and it had just been something he'd done since a child. I think I just assumed it might stop now that I knew and I didn't know how to talk to him about it. We swept it under the carpet and moved on.

Over the years there have been other things. I saw that he'd been looking at women's clothes online etc. there would be gaps of years though. We have always had a very loving and intimate relationship and we've always felt so solid. In recent years our sex life has been less active but I'm going through perimenopause and we've been together a long time! Sex is still good when we have it and we're always affectionate. 

Last year it all came to a head when I found women's gym shorts hidden in a draw and found it that he'd been on Grindr. I assumed the worst - that he was cheating on me and trying things with other genders. I was heartbroken and confronted him. I said we couldn't brush this under the carpet anymore and if he didn't want to be with me I needed to know. He said he only went on to Grindr to try and speak to people who felt like him. He said he was straight, fancied women and didn't want to change his gender from male, but that wanting to look at and wear women's clothes was like a compulsion. 

We agreed to speak to counsellors separately. After my sessions I saw that I could be supportive by giving space or alone time for him to wear the clothes, but I didn't feel I could feel attracted to him in women's clothes if he wanted to bring them in to the bedroom etc. I feel bad about this, but I can't change the way I feel. He said he actually hated the thought of me and my daughter leaving the house so he could do this. He said it's not what he wanted. He also said it wasn't even a sexual thing for him to wear the clothes anymore either. 

We don't see the counsellors anymore and it's been a year. He felt he wasn't getting anything out of it and we promised we would talk more about it, but we don't. This week I used his iPad and saw he'd been on Grindr again. All of my fears came to the surface again. Is he just reaching out for help from those who understand? Is he lying to me about wanting to be with me because he's scared of confused about the alternative and breaking up our family. I don't want him to live a lie, nor me.

[Croix]

Dear ElaraJ~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum. You are in a very confuse and worrying situation and seeking advice from others is a wise thing to do. You sound from what you say that you value your 22 years together and are also concerned about your husband's welfare. He is fortunate.

I guess the things I value most in a partnership are a conviction that my partner loves and values me and the family, and is a kind soul. I do not see cross-dressing as necessarily an end of a realtionship, though it might change things a bit. In fact he may be as worried and apprehensive about this issue as you are.

Like you I would not be comfortable with it in the bedroom but outside of that provided it does not include other people I'd try to make it work though I think other boundaries and/or support might also be needed so you are both more comfortable. This may not necessarily mean he can't cross dress at home at times. A ban that puts more distance between you does not sound like a good thing if you  wish to stay together.

Frankly I'd think dishonesty and lies are the more harmful aspect in many matters. At least here it is out in the open, even to the extent of seeing a councilor. As I don't really understand the matter I'd probably not be the best person to talk to a partner about it, and maybe talking with other's may help.

If he says it is not sexual, he is not gay and not experimenting with others then he may well be telling the truth and is not turning from you.

QlLIFE is the standard service for the LGBTQI+ communities and you my find talkng with their  councilors and looking at their resources helpful or thay may have other services they recommend.

For me I'd see 22 years is a long time to be together and for the majority of that time you have known of your partner's feelings. It would be a pity to discard all that unless things became impossible. Perhaps time for more talk between you ? After all he is the same person he always was. I would imagine the conversation might include how much to tell your daughter.

In this situation I admit I'd be at sea, however I would want to preserve such a long, and by the sound of it happy, relationship. Of course all these are my views and others may feel differently or have more experience.

You are welcome ot talk here as much as you would like.

Croix

[RosieA]

Hi,
I'm new here and joined for a different reason but I saw your post and I understand it.

I've been with my husband for 32 years and we don't have any kids. He is heterosexual and we love each other very much. Very early in our relationship, he told me that he liked to wear women's clothes so I knew what I was getting into. I accepted it but I requested two things of him. One was that my parents should never know as I knew they wouldn't understand it and the other was that I didn't want to see him wearing a wig. He had one at the time and it made me very uncomfortable as I felt it didn't look like him. I know some people might say I shouldn't have restricted him in any way but we were both in very unfamiliar territory and that's what worked for us.

Since then, we haven't told anyone else. He often wears women's clothes at home and sometimes wears women's clothes that are mostly gender-neutral when he's out and about. I asked him a while back if he wanted to disclose his preferences to others but he said no. He is happy that he can be open about it with me.

I know he chats to others online about various things sometimes including cross-dressing or he reads stuff about it but I'm not worried about it. I know our relationship is deep and strong. I think he does it to give him a sense of connection and relief that he's not the only person in the world who feels more complete when he cross-dresses. The only thing that unsettles me these days is how we hide it when we have guests over but at least he is uncomfortable with that as well.

We have other challenges, like any married couple, and we don't have a perfect way to deal with this either. We're just muddling though and not placing too much emphasis on it.

I completely understand how you must be feeling so I'm happy to answer any questions you might have. I might not have the answers but I can try and help you feel a little less alone. 

[Croix]

Dear RosieA (wiht a wave to ElaraJ)~

I wanted to thank you for taking hte time to put in your post. I think it shows clearly htat cross dressing is something that might require careful handling but is not a bar to love and affection. You also demonstrate what is is to have reasonable boundaries, so thanks.

Altohgh I did not answer your other post I do hope the situation wiht you brother has improved, im afraid alcohol has a lot to answer for at times.

You are a generous soul and that is refreshing yo see

Croix

[RosieA]

Dear Croix and ElaraJ,

Croix, thank you for your kind words. ElaraJ, as I said in my previous message, you are welcome to ask me anything and I’ll do my best help.

[ElaraJ]

Hi RosieA

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Not being able to talk anyone about it is the hardest part. You obviously have had much more open discussion with your husband than I have had with mine, but I do feel that he was honest with me last year and I feel for him as he has never been able to talk about it either. 

I am relieved to hear that your husband discusses it online too. I think I assumed that he was maybe looking for something else that I wasn't giving him and that he wasn't being honest about his sexuality, but I think that's probably due to my own insecurity about it all and the fact that this was something he kept hidden initially. It does make sense that he would want to connect with others experiencing the same feelings. 

I suppose I keep worrying that I'm restricting a lifestyle he might be craving. He says he doesn't want to go out publicly dressed in women's clothes or have it as part of our relationship, but I can't help worry that it's not true. My worst fear is that in 10 years, or when it daughter leaves home, he says he can't do it anymore and has been living a lie. He assures me that won't happen.

I probably need to seek some counseling that might help with getting a hold of my insecurities as they may be well be sabotaging my marriage. 

Thank you again. You're the first person who I've communicated with, who understands 🙏🏻

[ElaraJ]

Thank you also for taking the time time to answer my post! I really appreciate your insight and supportive words 🙏🏻 

[RosieA]

Hi ElaraJ

I'm sorry for not responding earlier. I'm glad you found my reply helpful and reassuring. Just as our husbands chat to others online about their experiences, it's ok for us to do that as well.

I don't know you and your family but I suspect the fact that you are still together after all these years is a good indication that he still wants to be with you and your daughter. I can understand you finding it hard to trust him as he did hide it from you initially. On the flip side, I can also understand how difficult it would have been for him to tell you about it. He also trusted you enough to tell you. He may also feel that sharing this with you (and possibly your daughter) is enough for him. Perhaps the two of you could compromise by him wearing some women's clothes that look gender-neutral. I'd go with whatever he says about all that. 

I can't offer you any advice about telling your daughter about this as I haven't been in that situation. I think it's a good idea for you to get some counselling and/or contact LGBTQI+ organisations as Cruix suggested.

I hope your next steps go smoothly for you.