how to help

Illbeok

The other day, my next-door neighbor, an elderly lady I only exchange casual hellos with, told me her husband had passed away and that she was struggling to pay rent. I felt terrible for her. I told a friend I wanted to help her out, maybe by bringing her some food or helping around the house. My friend thought it was a great idea.

I went to knock on her door, but she wasn't home, so I just left the food on her doorstep. A few days later, I ran into her. We exchanged our usual hellos, but she didn’t mention the food. I started overthinking it, maybe she didn't know it was from me, or maybe she just didn't like it.

When I told my friend about this, they suggested that if I genuinely wanted to help, I should just put some anonymous cash in an envelope and drop it in her mailbox. That’s when it hit me: I didn't want to do it anonymously. I realized a part of me wanted to connect with her and, honestly, feel good about myself for helping. It made me feel embarrassed and like a total fake.

To prove to myself that I wasn't being selfish, I put $100 into an envelope and slid it under her door anonymously. The next day, she ran up to me, incredibly excited, saying that "God gave her money." I had a massive urge to blurt out, "It was ME!" but I managed to control myself. I left the interaction with mixed feelings, but overall, I was okay with it.

But then, another neighbor mentioned to me that the old lady has been telling everyone how God rewarded her with money because of her devotion.

I don't know why, but ever since hearing that, I’ve felt a bit bitter. I am agnostic, but I generally respect other people's religious beliefs. I feel terrible for harboring this bitterness...

Now that I know I am a charlatan for wanting some recognition, how can I overcome this bitter feeling and just be happy that she got the help she needed?

melodica

I do not think you are fake at all. I think perhaps being put out a bit because of the spiritual eliment of your help is probably why you could be feeling uncomfortable, which makes sense.

I don't have any advice on how you deal with this but know that your money would have helped a lot.

Illbeok

Thank you Melodica, yes I should focus on how it helped her😀

therising

Hi Illbeok

You're a beautiful person, so openhearted and compassionate. Your neighbour is so fortunate to have you in her life.

I'm wondering whether it's not so much about 'I want you to know it's me who gave you the money' but more so 'I want you to know just how much I care (enough to give you the food and $100)'. I think there's a sense of satisfaction in making it clear to someone how much we care about them and that we're not all talk. Plenty of folk out there who are all talk.

With the word 'God' and the concept behind it, I understand your feelings towards it. As an ex Catholic but still a romantic kinda gal, I'm inclined to use the word 'Something'. A little generic but it works for me. While I could easily imagine my mirror neurons, oxytocin etc driving me to make a compassionate and caring connection with someone, I find this single perspective a little too clinical for a highly imaginative romantic like myself. If I imagine 'Something led me or drove me to give that person this gift' or 'Something insisted I tell them how much I care', in my mind it's not a traditional sense of God but it is still Something. People tend to give their own personal Something a name, such as 'God'.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what it is that drives you to care so much. We each imagine what we may. What matters is how beautiful you are and that you are driven to care, to the point where your neighbour gets to experience some magic in her life. You are the magician. One minute there is no food on the doorstep, the next it is there. One minute there is no $100, the next it is there. These are magical moments for your neighbour. If she knew it was you, I imagine she'd still insist the magic is done through you.🙂

trying_my_best

Hi @Illbeok

This is a wonderful thing you have done! As someone who volunteers anonymously I sometimes understand the urge to want to claim credit. However, I have shifted my mindset to, as long as I am helping to make the world a better place does it matter if they know it was me?

Maybe if you still feel compelled to help

your neighbour, when you see her next offer to help her light house duties or food as you have already done. Or offer to put her in touch with community services that can help her further! It is a wonder what happens when a community rallies together!

Please remember if you do decide to help out further to only do so within your capacity! If it can cause you harm in anyway (financial or otherwise) refer her to services that can help.

Wishing you the best 🫶

Illbeok

Hi Therising,

Thank you for your insight. Replies like yours always offer such a wonderful new perspective and enrich my life, by showing me 'the other side of the story.' The idea of me acting like a little 'magician' instantly delighted my heart. It reminded me of my favourite movie, Amélie, and now I feel like some sort of mischievous helper in the universe (though I'm definitely not claiming to be as pretty as Audrey Tautou!). Thank you for your clever and creative spin. I hope to always stay imaginative and romantic, no matter how old I get! 💖

Illbeok

Hi @trying_my_best

Thank you so much for your practical advice! It never occurred to me to "offer to put her in touch with community services". That is a fantastic idea, and I am definitely going to look into it. It’s a wonderful solution she can accept or decline the support without feeling any obligation, and I can simply point her in the right direction. Thank you again, and I truly admire your anonymous volunteer work!