Empathy

[misabean]

empathy is something i'm good at, but also my biggest struggle. I often provide people with excuses, created by my own mind, because i am an empath, and good is all i see in people. While this could be proposed as a gift, its also my biggest weakness.

when does it get to far, to where i can understand maybe whats done is meant to hurt me. Well, im yet to reach that. 

im having friendship issues, which isnt based solely on their actions, but aswell as what i tolerate. I avoid speaking up about whats hurting me, to make sure they dont get upset. I know I shouldnt do this, and that i shouldnt let people walk all over me but I think i do it because i know what its like to be seen as that rude friend, but really its because i was struggling.

this isnt an excuse, but a reasoning. Please let me know if i should lessen my empathy, or, if i should just give it to those who will reciprocate it. 

because right now, in every relationship in my life, it feels like im giving 100 and their just taking 100, not thinking about if they should return even 1. 

thank you 💕

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Yesterday I posted a new topic "A life of excess empathy". Have a read of that.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/bd-p/c1-sc3-b1

Anything in excess, if it hurts you, should be reduced. No different with types of food. 

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi misabean

Not sure what your inner dialogue's like and whether you can relate when I mention the so-called 'voice' of inner guidance. From my own experience, I have to say that listening to that little voice is what can make all the difference to an empath. Btw, there's nothing quite like the word 'but' to silence inner guidance. To offer a few examples

• You might be trying to help someone who's brutally degrading you when something says to you 'Stop helping this person until they can develop more respect for you'. You might think 'But they need my help' as you go on helping someone who can be incredibly depressing
• You might be trying to explain to someone just how much they hurt you when that little 'voice' insists 'They're not listening and they couldn't care less'. You might shut that down with 'But it's important I tell them' as you go on to speak to someone who couldn't care less, while feeling their carelessness
• You might be suffering horribly through feeling someone else's pain when what comes to mind is 'You need to turn the dial down when it comes to how much you're feeling for them'. You might think 'But that makes me a horrible person if I don't feel all their pain'. So you continue feeling and carrying that volume of pain

With that inner guidance, I've found sometimes it pays to ask for more directions. While something in you may be insisting you stop tolerating a person's behaviour, the question becomes 'How?'. What next comes to mind could be 'You need to draw a line in the sand. Create a boundary of some kind, that you don't allow them to overstep'. So, you're being challenged to create a boundary line.

At times inner guidance can be challenging us to develop other skills and abilities. A constructive form of confrontation is skillful, for example. It requires confidence or self respect and self trust, a good sense of what shouldn't be tolerated and why, some reformation of our personal belief systems, mastery over the people pleaser in us, a well managed tone of voice and so on. 

No matter what we choose to call that inner dialogue (teacher, guide or whatever) there are often lessons to be learned. While we may pay tuition fees to learn at uni, there is also a price to pay for inner tuition or intuition. We pay with our attention. From my own experience, I've learned part of the challenge involves not ignoring the teacher (that part of us that can lead us to better understand what the lessons are all about).😊❤️

[white knight]

Hi the rising

It's great to read practical ideas on how to counter our inner self, our over empathetic selves.

I recall a few years ago when it was first suggested I was full functioning Autistic first realised by a very clever therapist that had a adult low functioning autistic son and saw similarities. One similarity was noise sensitivity. for years my lovely wife was, I believed, raising her voice when in fact she wasnt, well only slightly to press her points. The therapist suggested I say to my wife "you're tone is at a 7 please lower it to a five". That was a practical suggestion that made her aware she was going a little up in volume and I was so sensitive I picked up on it and was getting upset by it.

I like those practical ideas of prevention that can change our lives for the better.

TonyWK

[trying_my_best]

Hi @misabean 

I have been there and I totally hear you! It took me so long (and not going to lie, I am still learning) to learn where MY boundaries are in my friendships! 

What I found helpful when I first started this process, and I’m still working on aspects of this. Is speaking up! If your friend does something you don’t like, tell them! I know it can be super scary, I still feel scared putting boundaries in place. But if they’re a good friend they won’t mind, and they will understand! 

I don’t think it is a matter of lessening your empathy! Empathy is a wonderful and amazing thing! But unfortunately some people take advantage of that or take it for granted! I think, as a fellow empathetic person that it is definitely about learning your boundaries and what you feel is acceptable behaviour to deal with in a friendship! 

Wishing you the best 🫶

[misabean]

I want to start of by saying hello, and also  thank you, for that unique and beautiful understanding of ones inner voice. Not to mention, you've hit the nail on the head with my personal dialogue, its always "but" or "they do that because" and i continue to let it happen.

a challenge and boundaries will definetly be set, the challenge being to be able to understand that i can still have empathy and vulnerability for people, while also knowing and seeing right from wrong. And for my boundaries, it will simply be to never let anyone get close to walking all over me again. Because i've learnt that sometimes you need to defend yourself, and hurt someones character to better them as a person (while staying respectful of course ) 

i will work on these things, and definetly listen to the teacher from now on. thank you again and please keep spreading your amazing insites with people in need 💕

[misabean]

hello @trying_my_best 

and thank you so much for taking the time to not only read but sending a thoughful message in response. Learning boundaries in friendships is pretty hard for me, and i continue to learn everyday. 

speaking up is something i need to do, i admit, but im afraid to speak up because im afraid to lose my friends in this situation. which this isnt how it should be. I shouldnt be afraid of my friends leaving me. This and the fact that i have to see them at school everyday are 2 big factors. But my sister actually mentioned to me that "friends come and go, but the ones who want a stay, will make an effort to stay" which is all i needed to hear to bring me back down to earth. If my friends really wanted to, they would. But they dont, because they know that im going to be the one to try and pick up all the pieces and put them back together and that I will never complain about it

I have spoken to my friends and still its shown that im not understood. Sometimes letting people go is healthy, especially if all they do is hurt you. 

I hope a little bit of my story helps you, as youve mentioned that you have been there. I also hope you are getting the love, effort and happiness you deserve. From one empath to another 💖

[therising]

Hi misabean

If it's any help, there will always be people who test our boundaries. Whether they're the people we already know or new people, I think it pays to develop patience with ourself as students of life and self mastery. If I don't pass the test, I figure 'Okay, apparently there are more lessons to be learned in this area before I deem myself 'master of boundary setting''. Far less depressing than 'What's wrong with me? Why do I still let that person or these people walk all over me? I'm hopeless'. Unless we are masters at something, there will always be someone or something sent to test us so that 1)we know which level of learning we're at and 2)so we can see how far we've come.🙂