How to deal with brothers narcissist wife

[David35]

Several years ago my mum got cancer and has now since got  through it. In that time my brothers wife no longer talks to us. Last boxing day she couldn't be bothered turning up to our house. She has literally cut off all communication with mum and I. She was once a loving, caring person but for the life of me, are at a loss. We think 2 things occurred. 1) she realised mum was not willing to pay off my brothers mortgage 2) mum got sick. Either way, mum is a grandmother in name only. In her own words "My brothers wife stole everything that meant something to me, and he let it happen ". She has repeatedly asked my brother what is going on. He's too gutless to be honest with her. The last time we saw her was over a year ago where she pretended to care about mum in front of the kids, but won't speak to her anymore. We both feel used, manipulated. Once mum stopped being so financially generous to them, around the same time mum got cancer because she was so hurt by their lack of concern for her, the LOve tap literally turned off. It's almost as if they have blackmailed us with the love of the kids. We either pay up, or we don't see the kids, knowing full we'll it would crush mum. We'll it has.

today was spent arguing with mum about stupid things. It all got back to " Why has she done this? I couldnt help getting cancer". It's almost as if we provide no benefit to them anymore, so they don't want to know us. Any insight would be much appreciated. She's contemplated changing her will.

[therising]

Hi David

Some people's behaviour is definitely questionable. For your mum to be cut off so abruptly, I can understand why she's questioning so much. I think unless it's obviously all about the money (without any doubt) it remains questionable.

Unless your sister-in-law is going to reveal the reasons for why she's cut you and your mum off, it sounds like this could be a job for your brother or someone else who knows of her reasons. I suppose it could come down to how you state your inquiry, as to whether you get the response you're after, seeing your brother has refused to reveal the reason/s so far. 'Tell me why she won't have anything to do with mum anymore' might not do the job. Perhaps 'I need you to be completely honest with me, when it comes to why she either can't or won't see mum anymore. I need you to be honest, so we can lay this issue to rest' could be another approach. I imagine you've tried that one too. It may even require a promise from you and your mother, such as with 'You can completely trust our discretion. We won't speak of what you've told us with anyone else, including your wife. You have our word'. Maybe even asking him to sugar coat the reason could work. So, more along the lines of him thinking up a nice way of putting things, as opposed to a straight forward way that may have his wife come off looking bad.

Perhaps it is about the money and nothing else or maybe it's about your sister-in-law's refusal or inability to cope with your mum's mental health challenges. While some people can have this attitude because they lack care and compassion and are basically thoughtless towards other people's suffering, other's can't manage another person's mental health challenges because it impacts their own mental health in a number of ways. Either way, such people may manage by not seeing certain people. Maybe there could be a 'final straw' factor involved. Kind of along the lines of your sister-in-law being able to manage aspects of the relationship she has with your mum up to a certain point and beyond that point she can't or won't manage for some reason. Sorry, I think I've left you with more questions than answers.

Perhaps your sister-in-law has kept her reasons to herself or only spoken about them with her friends and not your brother, so he legitimately may not know.

[David35]

From all the research I've done, mum and I have come to the conclusion that she is a narcissist. She never had any intention to continue a relationship with us once we stopped serving her needs. Bearing in mind that mum has been overly generous to her since my dad's passing. Her generosity was simply factored into their budget. I think it has nothing to do with us personally, otherwise they surely would have told us. She is not the kind to let some grievance go unreported to the offending individual. So we've concluded that it is simply her. She is a manipulative user. An emotional arsonist who has taken the few things in life that meant something to mum and I, the love of her kids.
We're not sure if my brother knows, but it all adds up. The entitled way she would expect mum to pay for things for her. Once we turned the financial tap off, due to her taking it all for granted, so did she in retaliation. So she has effectively emotionally blackmailed us with the love of her kids and we refuse to pay the price, for our own sanity sake. I think it will take time to heal considering we knew her for over 20 years now, but we both want absolutely nothing to do with her for the sake of our own mental health. Mum has been doubting herself for years, and we have both been grieving thinking that we did something wrong. But we haven't.

I read this Dalai Lama quote the other day.

"People were created to be loved and things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because people are used and things are loved." I think this describes her personality disorder perfectly and both mum and I refuse to conform to her way of thinking. 

Thanks.