Hurt by Close Friend

[Jannaku]

I have a close friend who has been part of my family for over 40 years and is like a sister to me.  We’ve travelled alongside each other through the highs and lows of life and are now nearing retirement age.  Life circumstances (deaths & separation) finds us both single with no close family as such, although I have two adult children who have mental health disabilities that are highly dependent on me.  We recently spoke about the idea of living together in our future retirement for financial and social reasons following the death of her hubby and my separation and all was good.  We began excitedly discussing and planning things but hit an impasse when she stated that she would not want one of my children to live with us because of their “toxic” behaviour (she never had children and is the godmother of mine).  I stated that this was unacceptable because I could never ban any child from living with me so we started exploring the idea of a dual living arrangement were we could still have independence.  Due to many factors, including recent deaths in my family and finances, the idea was temporarily put on the back burner.  As far as I was concerned there was no urgency as this was something for the future when she retires from the workforce in 3-5 years. Unbeknown to me she changed her mind about our plans and subsequently made a huge life decision to sell her home and buy into a retirement lifestyle village in another state.  She did all of this without mentioning it to me until it was a done deal.  Although I can understand her motives (financial & lifestyle), I can’t help but feel really disappointed that she didn’t consider me at all, knowing that my future plans included her.  I have no other person of significance left in my life other than her, so losing her is a huge blow that really hurts.  Her decision has completely changed the plans and outlook I had for my future.  I’ve gone from having a financially feasible plan, with companionship and something to look forward to, to having uncertainty and loneliness.  It changes everything and I’ve gone from having optimism to now feeling extremely depressed.  This has also come hot on the heels of losing the only two other significant people I had in my life (aunt in Oct 23 and mother in Nov 23).  I’m struggling and questioning whether I still want to even remain friends with her because at the end of the day she clearly doesn’t have the connection with me that I thought she did and her complete lack of consideration is making me view her through a different lens.  I highly valued our friendship and was so grateful that I had someone akin to a sister in my life, but that’s all gone now and I feel betrayed.  Am I right to feel the way I do?  Do I continue with the friendship or just accept that its over?

[Croix]

Dear Jannaku~

Welcome here ot the Forum. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and aunt. In the overall scheme of things their passing is recent and I'd find it only natural for you to still be in the midst of greif, and feeling alone.

Might I suggest you are seeing your friendship in terms of black and white? I think your freind might not be good at seeing the consequences of her actions at times and probably was very genuine in her efforts to plan some form of joint living for the future. It was not until the prospect of living with or near your  children came ot the fore that the plan was no longer viable.

This may be  more a reflection on her than your children.  Her moving and purchasing a unit elsewhere may have been a knee jerk reaction to that realization, after all she gave up a job that would have been an advantage during the next few years.

Then agian I could be wrong, maybe there was some other reason of which you are unaware..

Whatever the reason it may have been very difficult to say to you she was going to make other plans and left it late to tell you.

It could well be the freindship could continue, though i think its nature is bound to change, not so much becuse of this incident, but more becuse with distance involved friendships to tend to become less close

Do you think you cold have a frank discussion with her abut this and how you feel? I'm not suggesting anything accusatory, more sad at seeming to lose a close friend. You might in that or a subsequent conversation mention the financial problems this raises for you, however this may not be a productive avenue .

Now that you are on your one, just your kids, have you been able to make any plans yourself?

Croix

[Jannaku]

Thank you Croix so much for taking the time to respond to my post.  I’m glad that you pointed out that I am probably also still grieving following the relatively recent deaths of my mother and aunt.

My friend’s change of plans originated from a holiday to visit another couple of her close friends who live where she is moving to.  She went to view the “Lifestyle Village” out of curiosity with these friends and was completely sucked in by the sales rep who sold her the dream and emphasised how it was the final stage of the development (she bought off the plan) and that once sold the opportunity would be missed.  She left a deposit after that first viewing for fear of missing out and the rest is history.  It certainly has a lifestyle that sounds great - brand new 3 bed home, gardens maintained for you, a gym, pool, library, craft room, clubhouse, 24 hour concierge, etc, etc. and from a financial perspective she’ll be left with a healthy sum of money thanks to the conversion of moving from the city to a regional area.  I understand the attraction and can’t blame her for wanting to do it, however, it comes at the expense of breaking friendship/family ties.

I have told her how I feel and mentioned the consequences for me, but she minimises it and makes out that living 8 hours away is not such a big deal.  She’s also suggested I move there as well, but this is not feasible because of my kids and the professional support that has taken years to establish for them.  Besides that, these lifestyle villages don’t permit children (under 55s) to live there, so even if I moved I would not be able to live in a retirement community and would still have to struggle on my own somewhere.

Unfortunately, despite having a considerable amount of money, the prohibitive cost of real estate prevents me from being able to purchase anything, which is why we considered joining forces and doing something together in the first place. 

I don’t have any plans for the future now and feel like I’ll be stuck in this crappy and insecure rental market with no-one of significance in my life forever.  I was so full of enthusiasm and optimism for the future and felt blessed that I had such a good friend to venture into retirement with, but unfortunately that’s all gone now and I really don’t know where to from here.  I know it sounds like a pity party, but it is very depressing when one minute you have a really positive future direction and then the minute next you don't 😢

[Croix]

Dear Jannaku~

I can't see this as a pity party, it is certainly  bad luck, and having one's plans shattered is a real (and in the circumstances upsetting) setback.

You do strike me as someone who is able to cope, and have a lot of love in you. The fact you regard your children's professional support as being of great importance bears this out. You also are not so blinded by feelings of betrayal not to understand some of the factors your friend was attracted to in order to make the move.

You did say the matter was not that urgent just at the moment, so may I suggest just give tihngs a bit of time and see how things change. Your offspring may not have the same support available, you may find a better more secure place to live -anything can happen. You may even strike up another friendship.

All this may seem overly optimistic, however they are possible.

Can I suggest that this is a stressful time for you with greif over you family, two adult children who need you  and loss of a friend, and therefor it is more important to look after yourself. With offspring that can be difficult but if you were to reserve just half an hour a day for something you enjoy it can make a difference. I look forward to it each day.

If you feel like saying how you are getting on, or just blowing off steam,  at any time you are always welcome here

Croix