How to deal with being abandoned

Melly997 · ‎11-10-2015

My husband moved out 4 months ago but it t was only supposed to be for a few days to clear his head. He said he felt the world closing in on him. He said he was getting angry quickly & then felt guilty about his reaction. For 2 weeks he stayed in touch & said we'd be fine but over the next 4 weeks his contact stopped. No calls, no visits, no messages, nothing. I tried to see him before he caught the bus but when I did he was always moody. Then I got a text saying he was giving up (which meant our marriage) because he was better on his own. Just like that. No effort, no discussion, nothing. It ripped my heart out.

I sent him emails & texts begging to come home, to talk, telling him I'd support him through whatever he was going through - nothing. After 10 weeks I asked him what did he want me to do with his things. He said to put them in one place & he'd get them. He also said he appreciated the words & sentiments but kept contact sparse until he felt comfortable being himself.

Last week he came & got all his things, said he wasn't coming back, was happier & better on his own & it was too late to fix our marriage because he felt nothing. I have suspected all along that he might be suffering depression but never did I think this would happen. Never.

During the first 2 weeks I bought tickets to a concert he wanted to see. I made sure he still got one (which turned out to be the day before he got his things) & was encouraged because it only took him 30 mins to pick it up after my text. I hoped he would go. However last night he didn't show & it hit me like a ton of bricks. He doesn't want anything to do with me. This man I love has basically abandoned me & I am at a loss as to why his feelings went from love to nothing in only 4 months.

I sent a message to one of his work mates yesterday asking him to keep an eye on him & if he agreed with me about depression to point him the direction of getting help. I also want to help him but he's physically & emotionally unavailable to me.

I want to know why does someone push their loved ones away, shut them out so completely & end all contact? Do they ever return? How do I deal with the pain without blaming him when it might be depression & outside his control? Do I keep trying to make contact or leave him alone? Am I just trying to justify the end of my marriage by 'diagnosing' it as depression because I have nothing else to go on?

I need answers because I am at a loss & feel helpless.

glimmer_of_light · ‎09-12-2015

Dear Melly. I am relatively new to this forum. But l found out my x-husband (husband) at the time, had an encounter with my so called friend l had met through Uni 5 years ago. When l confronted him he lied and lied. The more l imvestigated the situation the more the wool unravelled. But still he lied l can relate to the phone situation though, cause after continuous lying, l found 50 odd texts backwards and forwards between the two, and very hurtful ones about me. Once again even though l had physical proof, he lied about it . Then when he did finally own up blamed the situation on me, cause l was buried in my studies for uni Well 5 years on he decided life with me was getting boring, so decided to get back I touch with the same woman. Had a gut feeling for months something wasn't right . Kept checking his phone for quite some time before finding the evidence. Not only was he chatting to her had another woman on the scene whereby he thought it was fun to be texting personal images of himself to her. When l questioned him about it he denied it all, even though l had evidence to suggest otherwise. Then once again he blamed his actions on me. Decided l didn't want to live with a lying cheat anymore, told him to move out, he refused. Legally couldn't throw him out, so l had to find a rental property- very competitive Industry if u have been out of renting for years Plus my 2 oldest children- luckily they r older moved out same time. Now he is remorseful saying he doesn't know how to live without me, he loves me, l am his sole mate, we were meant to b together etc, etc. Then l start to feel guilty, not even sure why. He was very controlling, would never let me have the remote control to tv, would have a go at me about how l stacked the dishwasher etc etc . But strangely enough l still do have some feelings for him. I just don't want to go back and have a cheating, lying, and controlling person in my life. He reckons he's changed, but l don't know abou that.

pipsy · ‎09-12-2015

Dear glimmer of light. It sounds as though you've really answered your own question. All of a sudden, he's realized (too late) you're the best thing to ever happen to him. He wanted his cake and eat it too, he got found out and everything went 'pear shaped'. What he's doing is 'blame shifting', easier to blame you for his mistakes, than admit to them. He just wants everything the way it was, back with you, cheating. If he did come back, it wouldn't be too long before his next 'conquest'. Being 'found out' wasn't what he had in mind, though. He's trying every trick in the book to make you feel sorry for him. Look at what you had, with him, think about what you could have, eventual happiness with someone who really loves you. Is what you had, what you want? I think, given the choice, I would rather be alone. However, it's up to you.

If he is what you want, you may have to accept everything as it was. I don't think he will ever change, for long. Could you really trust him?

pipsy · ‎09-12-2015

Hi. Congrats to you for all you've achieved. It's fantastic he's not going to give you any more trouble. Even if he does renege, it'll be too late. Do you have a copy of his agreement, in case he does deny agreeing with you? However, having said that, you know him, will he deny agreeing.

I hope next year will be wonderful for you. Try not to let this bad experience colour you against any future happiness.

Have a wonderful, merry Christmas and a prosperous, bright New Year.

Melly997 · ‎10-12-2015

Hi glimmer of light,

GW doesn't blame me (or at least not to me) for anything because he simply doesn't talk to me at all. It's as if I never existed to him. Him replying to my proposal is only the second time I have 'heard' from him since collecting his things on 04/10/15. Unfortunatley he stayed in the area so I run the risk of seeing 'them' & that's what I'm still trying to come to terms with.

At the beginning of our marriage I went through his phone & emails just out of interest, never expecting to find anything, but I did. Like you I found images & inappropriate comments. I blew up at him & he blamed me for snooping. Somehow I was the person in the wrong. He accepted no responsibility & couldn't see a problem with what he was doing. After that he put a password on everything. So I know how hurtful these things are.

I also know that it never stopped. Best guess is that he will keep doing it with his new GF. Best guess is he will ALWAYS do it because it's in his best interest. I also suspect your ex is/will keep doing it too. I agree with Pipsy that he is trying to guilt you in to taking him back. My recommendation - Don't do it. I still love GW but when I'm thinking rationally I know I deserve better & that I'm better off without him. Are you thinking with your head? Or your heart? Are you prepared for the same behaviour & treatment? If not, then let him live in/with the mess he created & look towards a brighter future for yourself. Some days will be brighter than others but with time & clarity bright days will become the norm.

Let me know how you go.

glimmer_of_light · ‎10-12-2015

Dear pipsy. I think your right l think a leopard never changes his spots. But for some reason he sucks me in every time with what he says. I can see some change, but then he does something or says something, and l think he will never change. When l caught him out the second time, could not understand how a 52 year old can text images of his private parts. When l asked how long would this kinda behaviour continued on if l didn't have a good gut instinct. He couldn't give me an answer. U know what his excuse was this time? He needed someone to talk to. What the heck! He told me after being found out he deleted these women from his life. Because he wants me only. Yer right, l think l spoilt his fun, so there was no need to have them in his life anymore. I also think he misses not being able to control me anymore.

Melly997 · ‎31-01-2016

Hello all.

It's been a while so thought I would give you an update. Afterall many people gave given me advice & I'm sure sometimes you'd like to see how someone is progressing through their journey & knowing that you played a part in their recovery.

It's now 6 1/2 months since 'the text'. I still have days where I feel miserable (very few) but I have so many more days of acceptance & focusing on finding me. We are still in the middle of trying to financially separate legally but if he fills the form out properly this time (he left a lot of details out) then it should all be over in a couple of months. I still dread running into him/them but for now I can work around that until I feel more confident in me & become more indifferent.

Because I will never get closure from him I have been doing more research online about similar situations & now believe that he could be having a mid-life crisis. This explains his selfishness, unhappiness, lack of sleep, anger, depression, moodiness, abandonment, instant relationship, etc & he is in the right age bracket (46). Yes, he has narcissistic tendencies (as we all do) but there were so many things where he didn't fit the classic symptoms.

Anyway, I have started doing an online therapy course to help me heal my inner self, I am painting the inside of the house to make it my own (if you ever feel like doing this I recommend masking tape & sample pots as these are 2 lessons I have learnt), just started trying colouring therapy when I get a little emotional (changes my focus & calms my mind) & joined a meet up group (& have actually gone to 2 of their meet ups this year). In general, I am making a conscientious effort to make 2016 the year of my personal growth.

A big thank you to all who have posted on my forum because I know some of you are going through your own battles but you still show empathy & compassion to others.

Your support has been greatly appreciated.

I wish you all well x

lantern22 · ‎28-11-2019

Hi,sorry this is several years later but I am just wondering how you are doing. Your story is almost identical to mine. I hope you have found peace and healing in your life now.

lantern22 · ‎02-02-2021

I was just wondering how you are doing after all these years. Your story is very much like mine.