How to deal with being abandoned

Melly997 · ‎11-10-2015

My husband moved out 4 months ago but it t was only supposed to be for a few days to clear his head. He said he felt the world closing in on him. He said he was getting angry quickly & then felt guilty about his reaction. For 2 weeks he stayed in touch & said we'd be fine but over the next 4 weeks his contact stopped. No calls, no visits, no messages, nothing. I tried to see him before he caught the bus but when I did he was always moody. Then I got a text saying he was giving up (which meant our marriage) because he was better on his own. Just like that. No effort, no discussion, nothing. It ripped my heart out.

I sent him emails & texts begging to come home, to talk, telling him I'd support him through whatever he was going through - nothing. After 10 weeks I asked him what did he want me to do with his things. He said to put them in one place & he'd get them. He also said he appreciated the words & sentiments but kept contact sparse until he felt comfortable being himself.

Last week he came & got all his things, said he wasn't coming back, was happier & better on his own & it was too late to fix our marriage because he felt nothing. I have suspected all along that he might be suffering depression but never did I think this would happen. Never.

During the first 2 weeks I bought tickets to a concert he wanted to see. I made sure he still got one (which turned out to be the day before he got his things) & was encouraged because it only took him 30 mins to pick it up after my text. I hoped he would go. However last night he didn't show & it hit me like a ton of bricks. He doesn't want anything to do with me. This man I love has basically abandoned me & I am at a loss as to why his feelings went from love to nothing in only 4 months.

I sent a message to one of his work mates yesterday asking him to keep an eye on him & if he agreed with me about depression to point him the direction of getting help. I also want to help him but he's physically & emotionally unavailable to me.

I want to know why does someone push their loved ones away, shut them out so completely & end all contact? Do they ever return? How do I deal with the pain without blaming him when it might be depression & outside his control? Do I keep trying to make contact or leave him alone? Am I just trying to justify the end of my marriage by 'diagnosing' it as depression because I have nothing else to go on?

I need answers because I am at a loss & feel helpless.

pipsy · ‎23-10-2015

Hi there. That sounds like a 'minties' moment, you know moments like these you need minties. The point is apart from the obvious pleasure you got knowing he left first. How did it make you feel actually seeing him? Did you feel guilty that you were able to enjoy yourself without worrying about his reaction? It's not 'wrong' to feel you have regained your life. It's great you did not make any sort of scene, you handled the whole thing extremely well. Whatever the reasons he left the pub doesn't matter, what matters is you did not let him spoil your outing. Congrats on your strength to get on with your life. Don't dwell on whether he felt guilty for how he treated you, be glad you are away from that. The fact that he left first tells me he may not be ready to face you. Not because he feels guilty, he's probably worried you will cause a scene. You didn't, awesome.

Melly997 · ‎23-10-2015

Well don't things change fast!

Got onto Telstra to look at the phone bill so I have an idea of what extra financial responsibility I will be taking on. I setup the My Account as he had put me down as an authorised person for the account.

You can see the bills right down to who is being texted. Horrified to discover that even before he told me it was over back in July (after only being out of the house for 6 weeks) there was a number he texted a LOT. This past couple of months there is a second number also being texted a LOT. Rang both of them. Now I know that there is a Danielle & Stephanie in his life. Unfortunately for him, I now also know where he is living.

I am SO ANGRY. To have been blatantly lied to since he pulled away about being 'better on my own'. To have thrown away our marriage because the grass appears greener on the other side. To have run away like a coward instead of having the decency to tell me & me having to find out this way. Oh, & I texted him that I now know.

OMG. Goodbye to bad rubbish. Guess I dodged a bullet. More fish in the sea. And all the other cliches you can think of. Too angry to cry but I know tears will come.

What a disgusting worm.

Watch this space as I have no doubt I will run the full spectrum of emotions over the next few weeks because what goes up must come down. Hopefully not too far down 😞

pipsy · ‎24-10-2015

Melly. Wow, what a 'meathead' he is. He really wanted you to find out. You need to get your 'poison' out of your system so you can start to 'grow' and live. Once you've 'vented' and calmed down (could take some time). You'll feel better and stronger. Okay, you know about D & S, also others if there are. I wouldn't lower myself to check see if there's any others. You'll get more hurt and humiliated knowing. Let them find out for themselves (if they don't already know). He WILL wind up the loser, in the long run, his sort usually do lose everything once everyone knows. Each time you feel like 'venting' BB is here. I actually feel rather sorry for the fool he has become. He's in a dream world where he thinks he's the answer to every maidens prayer. There's heaps of men like that. The women are living in a fools paradise too. Did you ever see an Elvis movie 'Paradise Hawaiian Style', have a look at that. It'll help you when you're angry. He thought he had it 'made' too.

Paul · ‎24-10-2015

Hey Melly,

At least you know the truth now, I think that helps put things into perspective to start moving on. It doesn't make it too much easier, but certainly helps kickstart and remove doubts!

The anger might come and go and so will the tears - it'll be a natural thing let em out!

Thanks for the update

Paul

White_Rose · ‎24-10-2015

Hello Melly

Thanks for your post. Sorry I have not written of late. Wow, as you say, things can change fast. So now you know. As Pipsy has said, he will be the loser in the end. So I suggest you throw him off your phone bill and make him pay for his own calls plus any other bills you may find yourself paying. As I suggested, go and see a family lawyer. There should be a Legal Aid office in your state. Also look up Women's Legal Service. That's what it's called in Qld but may have a slightly different name in other states.

I'm sorry for the tough time ahead. But now you know the truth you can start to move forward. Stay focussed and keep in tough.

Mary

Melly997 · ‎27-10-2015

I reached a bit of a boiling point last Friday & in a moment of spite I sent those women a text saying he was married but obviously as of June he wasn't interested to remain that way so they could have him. I have also been venting in a closed family group on Facebook not realsing his mother was still part of the group. You would think that after I unfriended her she would have removed her from the group as well, but she didn't.

I got a nasty text from him saying I needed help & he was going to cut off the phone, internet & foxtel because he wasn't going to pay for me to rant at his family or friends. YEH -a response !!! Anyway, I sent him back an email just to get a few things off my chest. I wasn't nasty I simply stated facts about how he had left, he had treated me with no decency or kindness, had callously caused a lot of heartache, I had tried to forgive & be respectful etc. I then admitted I sent a message & why I did it (pretty much because he had started seeing someone while discarding me, I was hurting & trying to deal with the loss etc). Can't gaurantee he read it but at least I got to say something.

Well, I'm going to a counselling session today. I'm finding that I am not coping very well at all with this latest development (finding out about the other women), & it doesn't help that on Sunday it will be 5 months since he moved out which also coincides with my b'day. I have noticed that my lows seem to be lasting a little longer, I'm starting to let a few things at home slide & I'm angry, teary, not sleeping well & generally feel like crap. Let's hope I can pull myself up because even though I love him I don't deserve the amount of unhappiness he has caused me.

Onwards & upwards.

You also know what? Because I'm really starting to get bitter about his cowardice & despicable behaviour - I hope karma bites him in the arse & then kicks him in the gut.

pipsy · ‎27-10-2015

Melly. Sorry to say this, but you just turned him into the victim. When someone hurts us, the first thing we want to do is lash out, humiliate them as we feel they've hurt and humiliated us. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Whether he has 'vented' about you, you 'venting' about him to other women, or his mates has just got him friends he didn't know existed. If the boot was on the other foot and he 'bad mouthed' you, you would get all the sympathy and support. I understand how hurt you are, believe me, but hatred can make us vicious. You need to concentrate on rebuilding your life. Don't worry about karma kicking, punching him. You will go through a lot of anger and general low feelings because you feel you've been 'dumped'. You have, that's true, but show him you're the better person by ignoring him. You are grieving and you need help with that. Grief counselling can help you by letting you 'vent' with help. Don't be alone too much. Do you have friends who understand where you are with your pain. You will eventually meet someone who will give you all the love you crave. Let go of the anger before it destroys you completely. Hate is the most destructive weapon there is.

Melly997 · ‎27-10-2015

Pipsy,

True, I may have made him the victim in the eyes of those 2 women but after 5 months I think I have generally handled myself pretty well. Everyone has a breaking point & I just happened to reach mine after finding out what I did the way I did. And for what he has put me through one text message seems justifiable to me. And I have also found out that him & Stephanie have been living together for a month or so. This whole thing is just one shock after another for me. Where did the man I thought I knew go?

I went to a psychologist today &I had a session to help me. After all I told her about our whole relationship & other information not shared here, she believes he has a lot of issues. Me, mine is just dealing with the grief & loss of my marriage & significant other & trying to find a way to make sense of it so I can get some closure. As she said I was basically blindsided by his actions.

She asked if he would come to a session so that I could get some answers. I could have fallen off the lounge laughing. There is no way he would do that because he moved on & he is just fine living his new life.

Anyway that's it for this post.

Paul · ‎28-10-2015

Heya Melly

Big Hugs. There's been some amazing and what you'll probably look back on later as healing discoveries. They hurt like hell now, but later on...

So glad you visited a psych, are you visiting again?

Keep venting - here is OK, bearing in mind that grief is a natural process and we're here to listen.

Oh and the occasional brain fart/melt down is also OK as well. we're all entitled to a few of them! (I reserve the right to take more than my fair share)

Paul xx

pipsy · ‎28-10-2015

Dear Melly. I understand more than you realize, believe me. You've had one hurt after another with this guy, now you find out he's been living with S for some time. How much more are you supposed to take. It's like he's flaunting his life to hurt you and taking pleasure when it does. He sounds narcissistic. It's good you're seeing a psych, that will help you with healing. Your ex's issues are not yours to worry about, now you're not together. there's a strong possibility he will repeat his performance with S and she will toss him out. But I wouldn't waste time thinking about that. With your psych, there will be more hurts as you open up more about your life with ex, this is part of the healing too. Don't be scared to 'vent' that's also part of the healing. There is a lot of hurt, anger, embarrassment, in you that needs to 'come out' in order for you to heal. This takes time. Your ex does have issues, but they're not yours, they're his, from now on. A small part of you would love for him to come home, you feel you would welcome him with open arms. But, how long before lies and deceit start again. The leopard doesn't change his spots till he wants to.

BB and your psych are here to help and encourage. I wish you all the best on the road to recovery. Oh and one more thing. Fantasizing about having him back is normal. We all want to be loved, some will take anything they can get, thinking that's all they'll ever get. You deserve the very best. here's hoping you will find someone worthy of the lovely, caring person I know you are.

Take care, my friend.