How do you know if it's your anxiety or you don't love them?

[Happiness_I_Miss_You]

I have had a partner for 9 months now. I don't enjoy time with him like I have with other relationships. Am I just really damaged or is he not for me? Is it possible for love to feel somewhat mediocre or do I just need to break up. Has anyone wondered the same? There is no other reason not to be with him besides my gut feeling telling me he isn't the one. Although we all know anxiety does terrible things to our gut feelings. I'm a grown woman with children and have had previous relationships. I am friends with my exes but have had a couple that have caused a lot of damage to my self esteem. I'm in therapy etc. Is it normal to not feel head over heels and settle??

[SubduedBlues]

Hi HIMY

For me: not enjoying a partners company should raise an alarm bell or two.

Insofar as "for love to feel somewhat mediocre" ... I'd say that depends on how long someone is into their relationship before having this mediocre feeling. In my experience there were certainly spells of mediocracy in the love department of my marriage, but that was after 10 years or so of being together... certainly not during the initial few months of a new relationship.

May I suggest that you consider what your life might be like if he were not part of it. Would his absence be painful for you? Are you more afraid of being alone than having to endure a loveless relationship?

If you're thinking of "settling", what all are you settling for? Is the absence of the wow feeling the only thing missing? Or are there other (potential) deal breakers there too? It could be that not any one of those potentials are enough to break it off, but what about the sum of them altogether? [being hit with one grain of rice doesn't hurt, but a whole bag does.]

Hope this helps

SB

[Quercus]

Hi Happiness I Miss You,

SB has given you a really solid reply I can't really add to apart from giving you my welcome to the forums 😊.

A few things really jumped out at me though (the comment about love being mediocre and also the word settling). Put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment. What do you think they would do if they knew you were settling for them and not really feeling it?

If that was me... I'd want to know you felt that way so I could end the relationship and find someone who felt passionate about me. It's not really fair on either of you.

SB has a good point. All relationships get stagnant at times. But it's just a reminder to put more effort in and reconnect. I find we get busy and lazy and forget to connect with eachother. But the spark is still there waiting. If it's not I'd be worried.

Hope you feel able to keep writing. Take care of yourself please.

Nat