How do you get past a long term affair betrayal?

[Kelly_T]

This week I found out that my husband ( 9 years married, 14 years together) has been in a relationship for the past three years. They would meet at his hotel initially and since then, they would regularly speak on the phone or via text in French, she was saved in his phone under a man's name. He tells me that, in general, the relationship for the past 2 of 3 years was really just banter and not sexual, he was texting her while we were away for my 40th birthday, she called him when his father died, their relationship was intertwined with our most personal moments. During that time, I would dream about their relationship almost every week and tell him about it, I also found receipts for private flights over the harbour (how romantic) he got mad at me, I now realise he got mad at me and made me feel like a paranoid woman numerous times, when most of those times what I was asking him about was directly related to his infidelity. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and anger I can't even explain how my body hurts, I have been on the couch for 3 days and nothing matters to me anymore. I feel dead inside and like everything I believed in was nothing. I always believed we were through everything so connected in our hearts and I can't understand how he could betray me for so long, who is he? It's like everything I thought I knew was wrong. I feel like I'm having a breakdown, my head is empty, I just sit and stare at things and then cry and then repeat and wish I could be drugged or put in a coma so I don't have to process this consuming sadness. 

I need to hear from people who have been here, I love him and he is also devastated about his mistakes. We are going to counselling today for the first time and I expect I will just cry. I just wish it could be erased and he could be back as he once was.

How do you get past this?  I fear I'm going to be broken after this, I'm afraid I won't be me again. 

[Kelly_T]

Thank you for your positivity, I'm not sure if I am the winner, but I do appreciate your perspective on this very much. It is nice to hear some thoughts from a different point of view to give me something to think about.  

I was thinking about forgiveness the other day and how one comes to the point of forgiveness. I'm not religious in any way so won't be looking to that, but I am not sure how I can get there yet, hopefully a therapist can help me with that somehow.

I really appreciate your positivity and hope, thank you. 

[Kelly_T]

Hi Fiatlux

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you and that you have now developed PTSD, this is something I am most fearful of, how will this come up in my future.

I am going for my first solo session today, I don't blame myself for this, so if I was blamed by a professional you can trust I would be out in a second!

May I ask if you are still with your partner?

Kelly

[Kelly_T]

Hey Tony

Thank you for your message, sorry to hear you have also experienced something similar, I hope you are doing ok.

I read your blog post, thank you. Your part about being alone resonated with me a lot as a few years ago I was physically unwell for a year and it was during this time I realised that I was truly alone the only one who could pull myself out. I appreciate you reminding me of this.

Thank you

Kelly

[ecomama]

Dear Kelly, what you wrote back to me REALLY resonated. Oh you darling girl I thought. This is so not fair! 
I truly remember these days I described as "feeling like I'm in a cement mixer" and not knowing which way was up. 

Only for this period in time, you are feeling so many emotions and they're all mixed up together. 
Try to NAME each one. This will help you communicate where you're at with your Counsellor at least. 
I found Brene Brown's book "Atlas of the Heart" a great one. 
Also "The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck, but the real beauties were "IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING" (I think) by Dr George Simon and "But he says he loves me" Dina McMillan PhD. 

And you need to CRY! 
And get your fury out in some healthy way too - I took up swimming... anywhere and everywhere. Did laps in a local swimming pool, swam in rivers and lakes. Jumped in a friends pool fully clothed once just to PURIFY this putrid feeling out of me (no I wasn't drunk lol just frustrated). 
I visualised the water PURIFYING me, cleansing all the disgusting things out of me. 

You're so sweet. 
You need to talk about this until..... x time. You can talk to ANY of your closest people! 
This is not your shame to bare. Please be conscious of NOT enabling his infidelity by being party to his lies and deceit. 
You can still have honest and authentic relationships with your friends and family. I just gave you a Permission slip to do so. 

Love EM

[Fiatlux]

Hi Kelly_T,

We are still married. 35 years this past September. We have been separated previously, I had to leave as he refused. We are not reconciled. We are not happy. He’s an abusive serial cheater and a narcissist. I do not like this person at all. He’s simply awful. Had I had the knowledge and education I would never have married him. I should have left and stayed gone much earlier. It would have saved me from the abuse that I have suffered.

Give yourself time and space and make an educated decision.

Good luck and take care of yourself 🙏🏼

[Kelly_T]

Dear Fiatlux

Oh no I am so sad to hear this is what has happened with you and that you are still in this situation. What are you going to do? You need to get out of there so you can at least have some peace for the rest of your life. I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

Kelly

[Juliet_84]

Hi Kelly,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write back, and I completely understand where you are coming from. It must be such a difficult time for you

and I imagine your emotions must turn on a dime at the moment. The important thing to remember is that you don’t need to make a decision now, or even 6 months from now. You most likely will just decide one day whether you can do this or not, and in that moment you’ll have clarity. As far as trust goes, that is won back in small increments over time with changed behaviour. The problem for you will be that an absence of proof is not always proof of absence so every time he is working back late, texting, has a day off sick etc you will feel uneasy and anxious. You may start going through his phone etc looking for proof. But over time, if his story continually checks out etc you will find him start to regain some of your trust. I once heard a sex therapist (Esther Perel [who’s very good and worth a watch on YouTube] speak about infidelity) and she said that we don’t trust that someone will never betray us, but we need to trust that if that happens that we are strong enough to recover from it. And I think that will be the place that you come to so that you can find peace. 
Juliet

[geoff]

Hello Kelly, thank you so much.

If he felt guilty, all it would take is the thought of being with this person that would definitely overshadow any guilt, especially when he doesn't agree with any decision that's been made, and being in this relationship for three years, he is only thinking of himself and not taking any consideration in to how you are feeling.

The great worry is that if she says it's over is your husband going to accept this or will it make your marriage more difficult, until he goes searching once again.

My heart truly feels the pain you have been going through, because all of this changes the perspective of being able to plan for the future.

My deepest thoughts.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Liz_ss]

I don't have an answer but just writing to say I feel your pain. Going through very similar situation and feeling that I will forever be sad and if I stay relationship will never be the same. If I go, it will mean a different future than I imagined for me and my child. Just want you to know you are not alone and hopefully it is the rawness of the situation and it will get better. 

[Kelly_T]

Hey Em

Thanks for your message, trust me, I have been doing a lot of crying! It's been one week now, I kinda felt ok-ish on Monday (it's Weds), but today I feel like I've been thinking about it every second of the day, I just want my mind back, I feel like I'm obsessing and I can't stop. My counsellor suggested I start journalling my feelings and I've been taking notes on my phone, but I think I need my equivalent of your swimming. I did spend a lot of time planting in my garden on Sunday and that did help to lift my mood and distract me, perhaps that may be it. I just wish I could fast forward the weeks.  

TBH I've only told two people and not my closest friends, I think maybe because I need to figure this out for myself and feel like I'm not ready to share it yet and have lots of questions. I also feel too tired for the follow up and the constant check -ins , which I know come from a place of love, but I can't deal with that extra conversation right now. 

Kelly