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How do I help my partner and myself?

Community Member
My partner has decided to leave me due to her battle with depression. I still cant believe that it has come to this, as we have had a plutonic relationship. She has said that she cannot put love into me if she can't do it to herself. I understand that you need to love yourself before loving another, but even though I've said ill be here for her and do whatever I have to do for her, she still believes that this is the right answer.Honestly, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and yes, I would do anything for her so she can get the help in which she needs however at the same time i want her to be here with me. Is this selfish?One day she loves me and the next she decides this is the best decision for her so she can seek help.She has made plans to see her doctor and I'm glad she told me this. The decision wasn't made overnight, but she never mentioned anything about it to me over the past few weeks. Yes, i noticed her change and she had previously said to me thats the needed her space. I went from seeing her everyday and enjoying the things that we both love and brought us together, to seeing her once a week and now none.I honestly don't know what to do. She means the world to me and it hurts so much not only for me with how I'm feeling right now, but to see her suffer like this and for it to make her push me away.Do I seek help? My whole world changed for the good because of her, and for that I'm grateful. But now I sit at home alone and wish she was there to walk up behind me and give me that kiss and say she loves me.We had big plans for the future, as a couple and dreams like all of us have. I just feel helpless.I've never felt this way about anyone in my life, and like a flash she’s gone.Yeah I want her to get the help she needs and for her to feel like a normal person again. Yes one day i’d love to hear the doorbell ring and she’s standing at the door, i would greet her with open arms.I don’t care how long have to wait, i will be waiting for her and i hope she knows that.
58 Replies 58

Hi Paul,

Yes that is a fairly good idea, I have said to her when she said that she was going that i would come, sit out the front or in the car, whatever. I think I may contact her mother, which i get along well with, arrange a coffee and have a chat to let her know I'm still here and still wanting to check in with everything.

I have the 'realistic' hope as well, its just at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. Ill be at the end if she chooses.


Thanks CM

I actually am caring for an ex girlfriend that lives in central vic by phone...she has been developing some serious depression over the last 2 years....she is also pushing me away....It does hurt....big time...I am in southern vic and its difficult to help her

Thanks for listening CM


Spoke to my best matetonight. He raised some valid points, like she is doing what she believes is right for her and whats right to save this relationship. Save it now while she can and keep it safe while she deals with her mind. She doesn’t want to drag me and the relationship down whilst she is in this state of mind.I understand that, i also said to her that i would support and respect her decision.I suppose its hard for me as this was sprung onto me. I knew she wasn’t well, yes it showed. I did everything she asked and everything i thought was best. I just never thought it would have come to this.
Over the last few weeks, I did notice her change towards a lot of things. Her emotions and feelings towards me had dwindled, but not intentionally i believe.It was hard for me, as there was times i wanted to feel her emotions and she did say that the emotions had gone away. I felt as though i needed to step up and help the situation, but not to make it worse.We never argued about anything, always supported each others decisions and pushed each other for the things we most desired. Whether that be me looking for a car or getting into the team sorting, or for me wanting to taker her away on a nice vacation she always wanted or attending all her horse events. For those that i could attend i would offer my support and love. She new this, she would thank me and tell me she loves me and all of that. So to go from that too not receiving much love, is hard. I can see the love in her eyes, but at the same time she is fighting with herself.
I was selfless today as well, I keep thinking if I'm feeling this way, how is she feeling? I can't bare to think how and what is going through her mind. Knowing that I'm not there to help, thats painful.

You have a great best mate CM...he is a legend...

"I can't bare to think how and what is going through her mind. Knowing that I'm not there to help, thats painful"

I feel your pain CattleMan88...


hi CM, it's tough I know, but don't be upset if you feel as though her emotions have dwindled away, and on the surface this could be so, but really deep down the love may still be there, it's just that she can't find a way to show it, but that's what depression does to us.
There will always be thoughts from you about how she is going, that's only natural, and it's impossible to stop although you can distract yourself, but then you start thinking of her once again.
Obviously there is great love between the both of you, but unfortunately this has just taken a break at the moment as she is suffering, but being with her is what you would love to do, but it may not be the best situation right now, and this hurts you so much.
You don't know how long this is going to go on, nor does she, and the longer it does means that you want to step in and help her but just be there for your support and when you do see her say that you are there for her and that your love still remains.
Keep in contact with your mother in law and perhaps say to her that if your partner wants to 'attend any of her horse events' that you will be there for her, it may or it may not happen. Geoff.

I was told that she has to leave because she can't love me when she can't love or be happy with herself.
This was very hard for to take in, as I'm still dealing with it now.

Today I made contact and with the help of a close friend, small talk was the key. No questions, just a simple - Hope all is well.
I did receive a reply and it was simple, not what I wanted to hear because I do have alot of questions, but now is not the time.
Ive decided to write down what I want to say to her and go over it a few times and when the time comes, I will send it her way. She may not like it, but more my sake, it's a peace of mind letter. Im able to write down how I'm feeling, the way in which I was affected and my side of the matter.

At the end of the day I understand she needs help and she has started that process. If by being distant and being just a mate is what's needed then so be it. As much as I want to know what her feelings are toward me and wanting to know if we will ever be together again, I have to respect that she needs time.

Im doing the best I can, talking to close friends and telling them exactly how I feel. Im not one to open up about this sort of stuff, but the weight got too heavy on my shoulders. Yeah I've cried, yelled and gotten angry. As I keep being reminded, it's not my fault. It's not her fault, it's just a disgusting condition that needs to be healed.

hi CM, I can feel your pain, it's so very clear and it's hurting you so much, and I wish I could give you the reason why this has happened, but depression is so complicated, has so many awkward issues, problems which those who have a loved one who has fallen to this illness are left with complications in that their questions can not be answered either now or in the future, but as you really love her then that will always remain.
I wish that perhaps I or those who have replied to you could be there with you to help you struggle through this devastation, but we can be by using this site.
Your own worries are still going to be there, and I would love to keep hearing from you, now or when ever. Geoff.

Thankyou Geoff,

This site is helping me, by obviously talking about it. It is very hard seeing her go on to do the things I once helped her with and for me not to be there to enjoy them with her does hurt.

I do want what's best for her, but at the moment I feel did she even feel the way I felt about her? Did we actually share the same emotions or was it her depression covering up her opinion or thoughts. She once said to me - 'You've only known me on medication, you don't know what I'm like when I'm not on them'. This I still think about right now and it's not a good feeling. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't want to be feeling like this.

Hi Cattleman. The fact that your gf has told you she's 'one' person when she's medicated, she's maybe someone who is not so nice when she isn't taking her medication as prescribed also gives me the impression she's saying, let me get to know who I really am so I can be with you as 'me'. It's almost a dual personality problem. Perhaps when she's at home alone, she questions whether she's been totally honest with herself and you. If she's not happy with who she is, she needs to get in touch with the real person. It could be medication, coupled with inner questions re: who she thinks she is, giving her these doubts. I would consider sending her a letter, telling her you're there when she's ready. Don't pressure her by telling her you love her or miss her. Perhaps, by all means have a talk with her mum, let mum know if she wants to talk, you're there for her too. For now, just be content to be a friend.


Hey CM

I just read something you said "Today I made contact and with the help of a close friend, small talk was
the key. No questions, just a simple - Hope all is well."

You have really well with 'small talk' being the key. Very cool and very non desperate too.

It is a mongrel of a condition CM. I will probably be on AD's for ever. I hope she can see you as the pillar of strength that you are.