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When is it time to put me first?

Community Member

My husband and I have been together since teenagers, going on 15 years, both in our 30's now. We are very different, but now it's really starting to matter. He's always been a binge drinker often mixing with drugs, generally ending up in a drunken disaster, ie, getting lost with no phone, getting headbutted by a bouncer etc. I used to be able to have a few drinks myself and have fun, but now I worry so much about him I can never relax and have a good time with him around. But now it's gotten worse, he's started to dabble with ICE & it is something I most definitely don't want anything to do with. I confronted him about it & he said he was just trying it & wasn't doing it anymore. But now I'm pretty sure he is using again & I don't know what to do. I love him so much & I know he loves me, but he's just so depressed about his life, says he hates it & nothing but death will fix it. I don't think he's suicidal, but I just don't understand what's so shit about his life? We have well paying jobs, nice stuff, roof over our head, & each other. Does that mean he thinks life with me is shit? I try so hard to keep him happy, always walking on eggshells. My love for him is infinite, but at what point is love itself no longer enough? His unhappiness is making me unhappy & he won't do anything about it. He won't talk to me about anything, so there's no way he would ever see a counselor or anyone. The ice use us a big deal, but now it's much more than that, there's a reason he's doing it & he just won't let me in. Im at a crossroads as to whether or not to leave him, I worry so much about him & what he would do, where he would go, would he become a full blown addict? I don't want that for him. But I'm suffering so much anxiety & worrying myself sick with what to do. I often think that it would be so much easier if one of us died so I didn't have to choose.

I'm so exhausted.

9 Replies 9

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry to hear about the stuff you're going through at the moment. I personally was addicted to painkillers for 3.5 years and I can pretty strongly relate to what you're saying. I damaged all the good relationships in my life and was so lost in my addiction that I couldn't see a way out. Funnily enough the thing that made me change was a breakup. It made me realise how much damage I had done and my family forced me into rehab. Rehab completely changed my life and gave me a new perspective on everything.

If you were to leave him it's really hard to say what kind of path he would go down. Some people use grief as an excuse to fuel their addiction whereas other people use it as an imperative to change. You could suggest groups like Crystal Meth Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. I used to go to their meetings for quite a while and a lot of people get clean through the groups. Also, there's an organisation called Nar-Anon which is a free group designed to help loved ones of people in addiction manage their own lives and try to help the addict get clean.

At the end of the day though it's the responsibility of the individual to make their own decisions. Addiction is a disease and it doesn't discriminate. I come from a great home with living parents and ample income and I ended up doing drugs every day for years, stealing money and a bunch of other deviant behaviour. But nobody could force me to change until I decided. People put pressure on me but in my case it was a breakup that made me change. You can offer all the support in the world but if he's unwilling then I guess you know the decision you have to make. Ask me any other questions you'd like, I've got pretty ample experience in dealing with this type of thing.

Thanks for the reply.

It's just such a hard thing for me to do, I don't want to leave him, I love him so much. & I know he loves me.

But I just know there's a reason behind him using & I'm so scared to bring it up with him. He just shuts down & tells me to go away whenever I try to talk to him. This time on his comedown I just supported him & looked after him without bringing anything up about a link to drugs, just "dismissing" it as exhaustion from work, he responded 100% better to me this time, last time I hassled him about him using & it really didn't get us anywhere. I'm hoping that showing him how much I love him & can support him it may help him to see how much I love him & he will choose to stop on his own, like you said, it has to be his choice, & giving him an ultimatum will probably be make him resentful towards me & feel more stressed.

I have a feeling that he may be depressed. Is depression a side effect of Meth? Or is he taking it because he's depressed?

I just want to help him so bad, but I'm also really starting to develop an anxiety issue myself, constantly worrying & being paranoid about what he's up to. I just don't know what to do.....

Hi there. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm going to cut to the chase. Everything aside - ice destroys lives. I'd be delivering him a no nonsense ultimatum. He either gets help or the marriage is over.

He has an addictive personality. He needs help with it but that means professional help. But Pat is right, he has to accept it. You can only so much. I know you love him but ultimately he is not displaying behavior befitting a responsible adult and role model for prospective children.

Depression is definitely a side effect of meth, that's why people keep taking it. I certainly wouldn't be making his drug taking life easy for him. So go ahead, issue an ultimatum. You're his wife and he's destroying your lives. Either he gets help or he leaves. Sure, don't hassle him for taking it, just make it clear it won't be tolerated

Hello Is Love Enough

Welcome to the forum. I am so sad you are in such pain and I hope we can help you. There's not a lot I can say different to the guys above. Pat has spoken openly about his addiction and who is the person that can stop your BF continuing his addiction. Apollo has pointed out the end result of addiction to ice.

Well it does come down to is love enough. You received a better response when you did not remind him about the reason he was unwell. No wonder he was OK because he has manipulated you into accepting his drug habit.

Go to your GP for a check up and possibly a referral to someone to help your anxiety. And/or go to Nar-anon as Pat has suggested. I have to agree with Apollo that your BF needs a clear choice, you or the drugs. He is not ready to change and may never be ready. You on the other hand have a life to lead and one that is not fueled by drugs. How long will it be before you join the BF?

Yes it will hurt to tell him to leave, but in the long run it is going to hurt far more if he stays and continues as he is.


Thank you all for your responses. I know deep down what is best for me & that I probably need to leave him, but I just can't do it yet. I love him way too much & he is in pain, I can't just abandon him. I'm going to try to have a good talk to him to tell him how much his behaviour is affecting me & that I want him to get some help & stop using.

Thank you again for your honesty & support. I will let you know how I go.

Hey don't panic - we're not telling you to up and leave just like that. But he needs to know that his behaviour is inappropriate and if he doesn't stop what he's doing and get help then you WILL leave.

I think you need as much help as possible to do this. So take your time. Look up some drug & alcohol support services in your area and get some advice on how to tackle this, let your GP know you're struggling with the situation, tell a trusted friend what's going on etc.

I know it's not easy - but you're taking the first steps and that's important. The main thing is that your letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable and that you do not support it - but you do support him getting help

Thank you Apollo. I'm just so scared to bring it up with him. I hate it when he's upset with me. Normally I'm a very strong person, but there's just something inside of me that can't bare it when he's unhappy with me. I think you're right, I need to talk to someone first about what's going on with my hesitation & how I can overcome my guilt, & best ways of how to tackle this with him.

I could be sooo wrong with my suspicions & going out of my mind for no reason. But I don't know how to talk to him & he won't open up to me, so that's where I need to start. I need to take action, for both our sakes.

I totally understand how you feel. I'm in a totally different situation but also similar. I fear bringing things up with my wife because I fear her response. So I end up nerfing my personality as a result and create very weak boundaries. He's mad at you because you're interfering with his drug taking. Just like why my wife was mad at me for being upset with her for meeting some guy on a beach at night - because I exposed it and ruined whatever moment she had.

so don't be concerned about his mood. He needs to be concerned about destroying both of your lives and as a result being by himself. Ultimately it's his choice, you can just help guide him to the most appropriate choice.

You have to be ruthless though. I'd be making it as difficult as possible to maintain a drug taking lifestyle. It also costs money so please track your accounts

Regarding your suspisions, Like if you thought he was having an affair - what would you do? You'd check his phone, email, etc. personally I can't see anything wrong with confirming your suspicions. Check his phone for dodgy catchups, check for drug using gear, etc. the tell tail signs will obviously be him staying up all night. Don't let him get away with it, it's unacceptable

I had somewhat of a breakthrough today Pat.

Unfortunately this morning I had the beginnings of an anxiety attack & for the first time had serious suicidal thoughts. & not sure if this is normal, but I wanted for the both of us to do it together, we're both just so unhappy. I though maybe it would just be easier on both of us.

So I started to tell him how I was feeling about being overwhelmed & anxious about my worry for him & his unhappiness & drug use. I asked him if he wanted to die with me and his mouth dropped, he said what was I talking about & to not be so stupid. I broke down & I told him why I was feeling like this, being that I won't be happy until he is & I don't know what to do.

I feel my reaction & worry for him is obviously not normal & I am going to see a Dr to get a mental health plan & I asked if he would come with me to which he said yes.

Then the breakthrough. I asked him what is it that's making him so unhappy & he said he doesn't even know, so I asked if he would maybe talk to someone with me too and he said maybe. I then gently brought up the drug use saying that I really don't want it to continue and he said he takes it because he so tired all the time. I knew he was tired from work, but then he said that he thinks it's also because if his nose. He has suffered for years with congestion issues that mean he can stop breathing sometimes during the night, he had a big episode a while back where he woke up gasping for air thinking he was dying. He said now hes scared of sleeping on his back as he's scared he'll die, but sleeping on his stomach hurts his back & neck, so he tosses & turns all night.

So..... Sorry for the saga....Im going to book in for me to see a therapist & ask him to come along so we can encourage him to open up & have also booked appointment with an ENT to have his nose looked at.

Hoping that these baby steps might get us on the right track. I feel 10 times better being able to get something out of him.

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