How can I finally let go?

[ReeCar123]

Hello All,

about 1.5 months ago, my partner and I made the decision to end our 1.5 year relationship. He just wasn't ready after uncompleted grief work following his leaving his marriage with an alcoholic wife, plus quite a bit of work to do relating to childhood issues he never really got aware of before. He also has an avoidant attachment style because of the childhood issues, so although he wants and loves me, every time he has the chance and I want to build a lasting relationship, he pushes away again. He is aware now and his therapy has taken a much better turn since he is finally aware of all the various things he needs / wants to work on so that his future can be brighter one day. Nonetheless, we ended our relationship because he is not ready and we did not move forward. It was excruciating for me and so we said we would do the one thing we can and give each other the chance to work on ourselves individually so that we both can have a chance of good lives, love and happiness in the future. However, although I initially wanted to keep hope alive that this might still mean the two of us together some day, I have realised that everything he says and does is too vague and I need to let go so I can progress and not get stuck in nothingness.

I am trying my best, I have arranged things with friends, found new hobbies, I exercise a lot and get out into nature. I read a lot about myself and how I can / want to improve aspects of my life. Lastly, I realised I have to set boundaries with him because we work together and although I love him very much, it is not healthy for me to interact much with him while my feelings are still so strong. So I set boundaries again and again, worked from home for weeks on end and asked to only have contact if we really have to speak about work. But, I guess the push and pull continues because although he cannot give me anything and constantly says we need to look after ourselves for now, he continuously seeks contact. It hurts me a lot because that way, I have to be the hard one and push back although everything inside me feels terrible for doing so. I was always the one ready to go all the way, the one that loved 150% of the time. Now I feel I am the only one trying to set necessary boundaries. I love him but this pulls me back again and again and every time I feel I am progressing, contact with him makes me so incredibly sad. How can I progress without breaking our connection completely and without breaking myself?

[Guest_3256]

Hey ReeCar123.

Sorry, I may have read the posts back to front. I am sorry to hear that you had tried - you are now obviously over his behaviour and sick of outing up with his childish games. Best of luck to you.

[ReeCar123]

Hi All,

thank you so much for all your contributions and advice. And sorry to keep coming back to this. However, there is new development and I am a little confused, although feeling much stronger. The past months have been hard, at times, I felt I would never be able to let go of my partner. I truly loved him but his endless not being ready was very painful. So, as you know, I subsequently just wanted to move on because I accepted that I could not be with him. I did everything possible to show action and through being active, driving change. Subsequently, last week, I felt like I had reached a real turning point and since then, my emotional state is far better. I feel relieved that I have been able to detach and see with more clarity and I am finally excited about life again. I have started new hobbies, lined up volunteering work, applied for a great new job, am planning to join certain music groups... I feel I have achieved so much and I am a little proud of myself because although I am very much a woman of action, I also sometimes feel a little introverted. I feel that, right now, I am actually closer to showing myself the necessary self-love I have been struggling with so long.

I have met my ex-partner again more regularly because I have returned to the office after working from home. At first I was apprehensive but it turns out that I am really fine with it and there is no hidden pain or sadness. I am quite honest with myself, so I truly feel emotionally sound and well. The strange thing is, however, that he has never stopped staying in touch and he regularly reinforces that he wants to be with me. Since last week, things with him have changed. In the past, he would constantly tell me the same story about guilt, not being able to move on etc. I created distance because I did not want to hear it anymore. Now, he told me new things for the first time and that he finally has faced a lot of the past which has opened his eyes to how meaningless nostalgia and anxiety have ruled him. He says, he is aware he needs to do a lot more work on himself but that he has realised 100% that he wants to commit and spend his life with me. I told him this is a huge risk for me and that words don't count anymore. I said I no longer believe in anything but evidence and he is adamant he will work for us and show me he is in for the long haul. I am confused as to how to manage this because I would like to see him really fight for us but I'm not sure if trusting him is good.

[geoff]

Hello ReeCar, relationships can't be won on continual promises that are always broken and you can't allow any trust if that had once been formed to resume, it needs to be won by the love you have with someone and if this doesn't happen, then you're only fighting a lost cause.

Promises are not viable over the phone, on this occasion, it has to be proven when and if you are together, don't let this stop you from moving forward by yourself.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_3256]

Hi and welcome back ReeCar123.

Don't be sorry for coming back to the forum. Know that you have been doing really well to improve your mental wellness and looking after yourself. It seems that he has broken your trust and that can put you into a really difficult situation. Only you can resolve that though. Try not too project onto him and focus on being more open and supportive to his needs. I know that for some, this can be really touch to do, however, it will not only benefit you, it will also help make you more supportive to his care needs.

[R.Penn]

Hey Reecar123

I wanted to get in touch and see how you are doing with your situation? It’s so great to hear you have become stronger and focusing more on your self care and hobbies.

I was wondering if he has proven he is trustworthy yet and how we get from heartache to a relationship? I would love to chat more as I am still in contact with the person I am involved with but she has come to a point where she is looking after herself and breaking up slowly with her long term partner. My needs have gone unmet for 4 months and I am wondering am I being the selfish one wanting more still, she has always slightly suggested a relationship but makes me feel like I am demanding a relationship when I have just tried to fit in with her? I also have massive trust issues and can’t trust her loyalty. She has never been loyal to me and do you think it’s possible to even move forward with her on this. She has asked for her freedom and it’s always on her terms when she wants to talk or catchup. Catching up is super rare it’s been 4 months since we were together. I would be appreciative if we shared our experiences as they sound so similar and I’m super confused now. We text nearly every day still and she becomes avoidant once she has had her fill like your fella 😞