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Don’t know how to move on

Community Member


I’m new to this forum, but I’m sure my issues are anything but new.
My partner had an affair which lasted as couple of years. He was caught by a complete accident. It’s been nearly a year and I’m just unable to move on. He begged me to stay, promised to do anything to gain my trust again, said I’m the only one blah blah blah.
He tried at first, we went to see a counsellor twice, I saw a therapist. We talked and talked, had dinners together. But now i can see it’s gone back to where we were a year ago. While having an affair he completely shut me out, but in a terribly nice way. It was like, I don’t know, living with an awfully charming polite stranger. We hadn’t had sex in years, and when I tried to initiate he’d just politely refuse. It was awful , not knowing what i did wrong. But now I know the reason and it’s even worse. There is no perfect partner, but I thought I was a good one, supporting, loving, trusting. Or maybe I was just a naive idiot.
Anyhow, I’m gradually slipping deeper and deeper into well perhaps not a depression but apathy. He’s still super nice and caring, but I suspect he doesn’t really want to/know how to be a couple. I’m not sure I want to either.
I know I have to make a decision, have a goal but have no idea what to do. Things are complicated enough to just walk away (family, children, mortgage, business). I’m lost.

1 Reply 1

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi StartAgain20,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, and thank you for posting what must be a frustrating experience for you.

It sounds like you are living a pastiche of a relationship which is only exacerbated by your husband's obsequiousness.

However, you are in a relationship and that is the same as any marriage where separation is a formal process which requires professional advice for assets, liabilities, and children.

Although currently co-habitating, this is a loveless relationship - it has little to do with what you did or didn't do; it has just run its course and it may be time to reassess your future happiness as a priority. You have tried addressing the problem and nothing has changed. Staying together for 'convenience' is an option, but you can see how much it is affecting your mental health.

Perhaps you should raise this with your partner as a decision you are making, and take discussions on that premise to see where it goes from there.