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Failed sexual relationships

Community Member

I first posted in June about a break up. The relationship was my first and I expected to lose my virginity (something I held on to wanting to wait for the right person. given I'm over 25 I also became self conscious about this). We never got to have intercourse because my ex couldn't get an erection. I thought it was me, but my ex eventually told me that he was struggling with sexual trauma from childhood, preventing him from getting erect for the first time in his life. I was devastated about his experience and even though he told me it wasn't me, that feeling of insecurity was implanted in me before I knew about the trauma and I can't shake it off. We were so in love and the whole relationship breakdown due to his PTSD broke me.

Two months after, I met somebody else. He was open about his turbulent childhood and told me that he was apprehensive to hurt me, since he felt dark and he noticed that I was innocent. I decided against a serious relationship - in fact I suggested we only have fun and ehe agreed. By this stage I had known him for two months and felt comfortable around him. I wanted to associate sex with fun - after discovering my ex's trauma, I became distraught. I also associated sex with embarrassment because of my inexperience. The new guy was understanding and I felt empowered to view sex differently. We tried to have sex and I was devastated when he couldn't get an erection too. He has ADHD and told me that fatigue is one of his symptoms, which prevented erection. He also said he was nervous.

This was a month ago and we haven't tried again. I messaged to catch up/have sex and he said he was busy and responded a little slower than normal. Ever since then we've only messaged sporadically and I feel like I'm being ghosted. Could he be embarrassed? He was keen for a casual arrangement too and now I feel that he's lost interest after the encounter when he couldn't get erect. I'm disheartened, feeling uncertain and fearful about sex. I've ran into him a couple of times and he's been really kind, but I feel really self conscious about us not continuing our sexual relationship. I could ask him why but I can't face the rejection. While looks aren't everything, I'm told very often by people that I'm attractive and both men felt connected to my personality too, but I can't shake off feelings of inadequacy and fear about sex now.

I feel abnormal and like a failure. How do I become less nervous about sex? I'm so scared of this happening to me again.

2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Clover9312,

Welcome to the forums and I’m sorry that you are experiencing these negative feelings in association with sex.
From an outsiders perspective, it sounds as though you are placing a lot of pressure on things and using sex and your virginity as something to get rid of due to your anxiety. But that kind of defeats the whole purpose and puts a lot of expectation on the person that you are with, which can lead to such things as performance anxiety, which seems to be an issue here. I think it’s also important to remember that although you are keen to rush in and get it over with, you need to be mindful of the other person and not moving too fast. Most people, myself included, need to have established an emotional connection with someone, or at the very least want one, before sharing intimacy.
I think you would be best to take things slower, and let the relationship dictate the pace. For example, meeting someone, going out on a few dates, then sharing a kiss, and letting the pace set itself a bit more organically. Either that or try and get it over and done with once so that you can relax a bit more moving forward.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Clover, a warm welcome to the forums and thanks for posting a comment that may have been a reluctant topic, but pleased you have.

In a new relationship with two people having sex only happens naturally and instinctively in a secure connection you both where you learn to control your own emotions and are not impulsive.

If the topic is raised, push it aside, and wait until the situation develops, then you will know, because if you push it, you maybe disappointed, love doesn't work that way.

Best wishes.