Hope always leads to depair, lonely life loving a depressed person

[porcelain]

My partner first told me he had constant feelings of depression, after a couple of years together. He said he doesn't know why it always is there. Even though the events in his life should equal to happiness. eg family, wife, job. Immediately for some reason I felt guilty as if there was something wrong with me for not being able to provide "happiness". Nine years on, through so many ups and downs, behaviour that flat out breaks my spirit and leaves me feeling empty and alone. Moodiness and irritability coming from absolute nowhere. Reactions from same situations differing from week to week. Most painfully is he is mostly never there or aware in my extreme times of need. I continually get let down. I am the foolish one, continually here, believing somewhere he of course loves me. This has led to me having an anxiety disorder, and I am fearing I may head down the depression road also. I continually have 'negative phrases' my partner has said circulating my head . My partner feels no remorse for any hurt he may have caused. He says he does things because of me and I should be saying sorry. While I understand, I do say and do the wrong things sometimes, but I take responsibility for my actions and apologise. I tried to explain why I am feeling down and I was met with no support. He basically told me to snap out of it and i'm not the only one. He says I should be looking at all the things he considers frustrating and correcting them, and once I show my care for him, he will care for me. I continually accept that this is depression talking. However he has been on antidepressants for a time now (4 years), and while the downs aren't as frequent, I am still left to conclude that it is me causing the residual problems in his life? I yearn for my partner to see me. I feel very invisible sometimes.

[geoff]

Hi Porcelain, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment.

You can't be blamed for your partner's depression and from what I have read is that you are being pushed into depression yourself by him, that's a warning sign that you should go and visit your GP to look after yourself.

You can't provide happiness to someone suffering from this illness, this will only happen when he decides he needs to get professional help himself, and until then you won't get any help from him, and the AD he is taking may need to be reviewed by his doctor.

Are you able to separate until you are feeling strong enough, while you are seeking help and therapy because at the moment your mind is clouded in not knowing what to do or say to him, as it's not easy to be able to speak with someone suffering from depression unless you are trained to do so or have been through this terrible experience yourself and come out the other end by 'seeing the light'.

It's not uncommon for couples to separate because then they are able to have time alone and seek help, is this possible and do you have somewhere else to go, but please contact your doctor, they will start the ball rolling so you can get better.

Take care.

Geoff.