Historical Child Sexual Abuse & Family Court Proceedings

[Nik_Nakz]

I’m currently in the middle of Family Court proceedings about the care of my two children, who are 11 and 9. I was their sole and primary carer for years after leaving their father in 2018. Over time, the pressure of single parenting, work stress, and a long history of domestic violence took a toll on my mental health.

In early 2024, I reached a point where I knew I wasn’t coping. My mental health was deteriorating, and I wanted to keep my children safe from a man I had been involved with who was emotionally abusive and connected to drugs. As a protective step, I asked their father to care for them temporarily while I got help.

After that man was arrested later in 2024, I cut ties completely and started addressing my mental health and substance use. The kids briefly returned to me, but their father then moved them to a school far away, which made it impossible for me to get them there without transport. Not long after, he began withholding them.

Around this time, I also reported the inappropriate relationship he and I had when I was a minor. That process is still ongoing, but it feels like it has stalled, even though the evidence is there.

The last time I saw my children was in May 2025. Since then, the Court has focused heavily on my past mental health struggles, the domestic violence I experienced, and my history of substance use. Even though I’ve been actively working on my mental health for two years, I feel like the context — the trauma, the abuse, the reasons behind everything — is being ignored.

What hurts the most is feeling like the system is allowing someone who harmed me to use the legal process and my children as a way to continue that harm. I’m doing everything I can to heal, to be stable, and to be the mother my kids know and love. But it feels like the more I try to speak up about the abuse, the less I’m heard.

I guess I’m asking… why does it feel like victims are punished for the trauma they’re trying to recover from? And how do you keep going when the system that’s supposed to protect you seems to be working against you?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A very good question at the end. I'll try to help.

I can see things a little different than yourself. I do have a limited legal background, I've been a non custodial father to my kids now adults (7 and 4yo upon separation), I've endured a frosty communication base with the mother of my kids for 14 years with visitations then the last 15 years zero contact with her (my wish). I'm estranged from my youngest now 33yo. I'm close to my eldest 36yo.

1. When it comes to the safety, stability and welfare of the children courts only consider that in their decisions. If a claim was made about some past illegal acts that is irrelevant to their considerations in my experience as is conflict between the parents.

2. The complexities of your situation with the father of your child really demands mediation with professionals. We are peer advisors with mental health issues ourselves that draw on lived experience to guide members, we are not professionals.

3. A claim against your ex for a matter allegedly occurred a long time ago could be seen as a revengeful act by law authorities, perhaps that is relevant- you'd have to ask them.

4. The "system"? All of the legal systems be it kids, parents, enforcement etc is flawed and thats because it can never be perfect. Innocent people can get caught up as victims easily and there are innocent people in jails, a very small minority but still... Better to accept the system is an ass and focus on getting access to your kids. The systems never improve.

5. Remember in the worst case scenario if you dont get access to your kids then one day they will become adults and will find you. It's very important for you and indeed them for you to be waiting as excruciating as it is. I went many years waiting for my youngest and although she came walking up the driveway many years later sadly she only wanted money in excess of many thousands of dollars I'd spent on her jaw realignment, gifts and child support. It didnt work out but she did arrive. Make it your life's goal to be there.

I'm sorry you have had  to endure that emptiness some parents feel, society also gets it in reverse when a mother keeps her kids away from their dad. It's a terrible feeling. I hope I've clarified some things but professional mediation including some sort of peace deal between you and their father is your only hope and that would bring joy to your children. Never give up, dawn always returns

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[Nik_Nakz]

Thank you for taking the time to respond and for sharing your own experience. I can see you’ve been through a lot yourself, and I appreciate you offering a different perspective.

I agree that the Court’s focus is meant to be on the children’s safety and stability. That’s exactly why this has been so hard for me — because the parts of my history that are being used against me are actually the result of trauma, not a lack of care for my kids. I’ve been working on my mental health for two years now, but it feels like the context behind it all is being overlooked.

I also understand what you’re saying about the system being flawed. I think that’s part of what I’m struggling with — having to trust a system that isn’t perfect with something as important as my children. It’s a helpless feeling when the person who contributed to the trauma is able to use the legal process in a way that keeps me shut out.

About the historical abuse — reporting it wasn’t about revenge. It took me 19 sessions with my psychologist just to work through whether I should go ahead with it, because I was so worried people would assume exactly that. In the end, I had to acknowledge that what happened to me as a young teenager shaped my entire development and mental health. It wasn’t legal, and it wasn’t something I could keep carrying in silence. Part of my fear now is wondering how someone who was an adult attracted to a minor back then is viewed in terms of risk today. That’s not about anger — it’s about safety and honesty.

Your point about the long‑term relationship with children really hit me. That’s what keeps me going — the hope that one day they’ll be old enough to understand the full picture, and that I’ll still be here, stable and healing, ready for them. I don’t want them to grow up thinking I disappeared or didn’t fight for them.

I’m trying to focus on what I can control, but it’s hard not to feel punished for the trauma I’ve been trying to recover from. That’s really the heart of my question — why does it feel like victims are held responsible for the damage done to them?

Thank you again for your perspective. Even hearing a different angle helps me process things

[white knight]

Thanks for returning.

I do understand.  These posts, mine included may not be perfect in terminology but you get the gist of it.

Eg re: "...could be seen as a revengeful act by law authorities" the key word is "could". Its a suggestion from me what police MIGHT consider, not what I'm claiming you've done. Not at all, we dont judge people here but its easy to think that so thats ok. We're chilled here.

I think your progress with your mental health is commendable,  few of us make such large inroads. In the past, not being able to cope you passed your kids over not forecasting this latest road block. So atm your continuation with any treatments, proving to your GP and other professionals that you are stable and positive could be important to any future consideration of approval of visitations etc. Seek legal aid and apply to the family court for access. If you haven't done so. 

Do you have hobbies, interests, friends. How are you emotionally. Ive dug up a poem you might relate to.

FROM AN OVERCOAT OF GREY

The window has a view of a hill and its mate

and the letter I planned to write- I did hesitate

For parents should not demonise the other to their kid

It isnt a sales yard where the strongest wins the bid

So I wrote a letter in my attic on a cloudy day of pain

Sent it to my folder, labelled “regretfully insane”

Couldn’t mail it to my youngest in her typical silent way

“You needed me in London- I’d swim if I could not pay”

And the fairies played their bugles while in slumber land

And the teddy’s cared for all, so they could understand

That the song of love was one sided in my life of joy

I wish I could master being hugged - of being just a toy

And the forces I do not know are there for all to see

If we searched hard enough they laugh – laugh so merrily

But it comes to loving parents when the corner has a bend

That’s why I mask my pain with rhymes I never send

And those fairies still play their bugles and Barbie’s do their hair

I can look closely still, but there’s no youngest daughter there

In a room of joy and words meant to harm and annoy

I wish I could master the magic- of returning to a toy…

A price to pay for kindness, returned without a task

A symbol of returning care- isn’t much to ask

There was a time I told her I’d swim if I could not pay

All the love I had, from an overcoat of grey….

There are too many mirrors in her life of sanity

And words of care are missing only eyes of vanity

There’s a poem of hope gathering dust and almost in decay

“I’d swim to London to save you…if daddy cannot pay…”

You're a good mum Nik_Nakz. I get you

TonyWK