Husband issues

[Witchy76]

So I asked my husband to teach me to repot a pot plant, he showed me what to do but I tried and he was getting frustrated with me cos I was having trouble so I let him do it . Later on we made a 3d wooden puzzle together and I was trying to do something and he’s getting annoyed cos I wasn’t passing it over, “your not listening “ etc so I walked away. 
we have had issues before because he prioritised friends over home life and he refuses to talk about it. Stone walls. So I threw my rings at him and told him I’m done etc then he calls me a psycho like his ex. He can be very rude in the way he speaks to me in general. He drinks a lot of wine and smokes pot 24/7. If we go past a cyclist he doesn’t do the one metre rule he does the 30cm rule. U can see the cyclist raising his fists and yelling out etc 

haven’t been married a year yet and I’m thinking I made the wrong decision to marry him to be honest. Don’t know what to do. Seems to blame everyone else for everything 

[therising]

Hi Witchy76

My heart goes out to you as you feel yourself waking up to the differences between a 'feeler' and a largely 'non feeler' or a 'sensitive' vs 'someone who doesn't sense as much'. 

I've found there to be a whole variety of reasons for the difference between the two. To name just a few

• While some parents, carers, teachers, employees etc may roll their eyes yet accept someone's sensitivity, for others they're conditioned out of being able to sense so much because their nature is deemed as being 'unacceptable'. In other words, some kids are led to become insensitive adults
• For some, based on the way they naturally tick, they aren't able to feel or sense as much as others. I know a few people on the autism spectrum who will vouch for this. This can become a major challenge for them
• Other people are basically just self righteous and they've developed a passion for being right about everything. They get high off the feeling. In their mind, they're right in the way they think, right in what they do, right in how they feel and everyone else is wrong and they absolutely love that. Hmmm🤔, what can you say?! 

and the list of reasons as to why people are they way they are continues. The ultimate question becomes 'Which type of person am I dealing with here?'. The approach will depend on the type of person.

In talking about self-righteous people in particular, what is an absolute game changer involves finding others who can also feel or sense, like we can. Nothing quite like being with another feeler or other feelers when a highly questionable person does something highly questionable. You all look at each other with an expression of 'What the hell?!'. You all feel the same thing. It's incredibly validating. When feeling or sensing on your own, a highly questionable person can lead you to self doubt. They can also lead you to stress, a sense of depression, a sense of hopelessness, a sense of heartbreak and so much more. Being sensitive, you can sense everything they lead you to. An ability (to sense) that can feel like a curse at times. I've found this is exactly what flips the script, recognising such sensitivity as an ability and not a weakness.

Our part in how things play out means the script or conversations become more like 'Can you not feel the stress of that cyclist or a sense of what's legal and what's not?'. 'Can you not feel the need for patience when I'm in the process of learning and practicing something?'. 'Can you not feel or sense your own self-righteousness?'. A lot of the time the response will be 'No' or something along those lines. The ultimate question then becomes 'Why not? Why can't you feel or sense any of this stuff? Have you ever stopped to wonder?'. If we want to get really cheeky, when it comes to dealing with a self-righteous person, we could say 'Can you not even feel a sense of wonder when you really need to?'. 😁

Chances are your husband only likes to feel what he wants to feel. Doesn't want to sense other people's feelings, prefers to sense how wine and pot lead him to feel, doesn't want to feel conflict (so shuts it down), likes to feel highs from being right and so on. It's definitely a tough gig if you're the only one in the relationship trying to feel your way through the challenges when it's so much more constructive to feel the way forward together with our partner. From my own experience as a 55yo gal, there is a sense of loneliness in navigating such a relationship. It definitely develops you though and your ability to feel.

Maybe the ultimate question here is 'Why can't your husband feel or why doesn't he want to feel more or did he shut down his ability to feel long ago for some particular reason (to do with self preservation) or does he believe his way is the only way?'. If it's the last one, it will definitely test your sanity.

[Daydreamer70]

Hi Witchy76, 

Thank you for writing in, and I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this with your husband. Marriage is a huge challenge, and I believe it takes a huge amount of communication, commitment and willingness to hear each others perspectives in order to make it work. I myself am not married, but from the people I have observed around me, the biggest strength in the relationships that last happily are the ones who are good at communicating. Silence is the thing that destroys relationships, even non romantic ones. Im not sure what you are both like in this department, but would you both be open to speaking to a marriage counsellor? Going to speak to a third party does not mean the marriage or you as individuals are broken, but it can be really beneficial to get an outsiders perspective on what you are both experiencing. I find when my emotions are heightened towards a person it can become difficult to resolve things. Sometimes I need someone to present the issue to me differently in order to gain more understanding. Try to be as honest as possible with your husband about how he is making you feel. In some cases he might not even realise that he is having an impact on you. Awareness gives you both the opportunity to work together to resolving things and hopefully being happier. 

I hope this helps in some way! We are here for you on the forum so please feel free to continue to conversation if you have further thoughts/questions. 

Kindest regards, 

Daydreamer70. 

[Witchy76]

I am starting to think it’s his way or no way, have had issues in other areas and I’ve often brought it up that I don’t get a say. 
I sit here and try to work him out, just can’t put my finger on it. He once threw out snitzel he cooked because they stuck too much to the pan and the coating came off. I ate mine, cover it in gravy and it’s fine. I hate shopping with him at the checkout he takes over and if I’m in his way it’s ’can you move’ or you’re in my way. I’ve learnt to say ‘you don’t have to be rude’ .

after we first met he had a cricket premiership win, after party was drinking etc he disappeared into a room with two guys, I was ready to go home and knocked on the locked door, he opens it and says ‘I just did a line’ I could see white powder on a table in the background. I lost my shit, took him home. But I feel I should have left then and not stayed with him. He’s 54 and hasn’t grown up maybe. No kids never been married until me. I am miserable feel stuck. 
when he knows I’m mad at him I don’t feel like a kiss, shoves his face in front of mine for one. I just can’t work him out. He doesn’t care if he hits a cyclist he could end up in jail etc 

walks the dog and if she gets the lead tangled around herself he keeps walking I had to say hey stop u can’t walk her like that, ‘she shouldn’t get tangled’ is his answer. 
has compared me to his ex more then once. I’ve been married 3 times. He’s my third. I’ve never once compared him to any of them. I just keep thinking I should have stayed single 

[Witchy76]

Husband walks in door after work , normally gives me a kiss when he walks past but didn’t, talks to the dog and then says HELLO like I’m hard of hearing. I just said you don’t need to talk to me like that. I’m sick  of him talking to me in that way grr 

[therising]

Hi Witchy76

While not wanting to jump to the wrong conclusions, he definitely sounds interesting and intensely challenging at the same time. You could be onto something when it comes to him never having felt the need to mature in a number of ways. Maybe it's as simple as that or maybe it's that and something else. Can't help but wonder.

Have you ever wondered at him, seriously wondered, as opposed to wondering through frustration or anger or sadness. For example, 'I can't help but seriously wonder why you can't feel what you say to me', 'I can't help but wonder why you don't care about how anyone feels', 'I can't help but wonder why you drink like you do or take drugs' and so on. Wondering in this way is about throwing out lines and catching clues or fishing for clues. Every answer or clue he offers brings you closer to knowing why he thinks and acts in the ways that he does. Or you could get straight to the point and ask 'Do you think your selfish unfeeling attitude towards others comes from enjoying the feeling of never having to grow up and mature in selfless and deeply feeling ways or did you just become shut down for some reason?'. 

Looking back to the early part of my relationship with my husband, I questioned a number of things and his answer was typically 'You gotta remember I lived on my own for a long time before I met you'. I can laugh now (not then), as his regular reason for excusing his behaviour challenged me. I can recall eventually saying to him 'I can arrange it so that you can live on your own again'😁. While he's changed in a number of ways, there are some things that just don't change. Being a mum, I have to say my kids developed me out of a lot of my old ways as a selfish gal. 

Witchy72, I personally welcome a sense of wonder, the opportunity to become more conscious of why I tick the way I do or why I behave the way I do. While deeply challenging at times, I love becoming more conscious. I've found some folk just don't like to wonder. They either just couldn't care less or it's too mentally and emotionally challenging.

[Witchy76]

He would get very defensive if I asked him why. I have told him he will get in big trouble if he hits a cyclist. His response they shouldn’t be in the road they should have to pay regi and insurance we do etcetc 

im on a dsp pension for anxiety and I have regular counselling for trauma as a child. I did find it a struggle to communicate but I have improved a lot. But not him he just says u don’t want me to not talk to you because that will be the end. He always does the silence. Avoids conflict. Can’t talk to him about anything he gets defensive and blames me. I dunno. I can see us not lasting long to be honest

[trying_my_best]

Hi Witchy76! 

Partners can definitely get on our nerves sometimes! I know mine certainly does! I find that when I have an open and honest conversation with my partner about how I feel regarding his behaviour we are able to work through it. 

Wishing you the best! 🫶

[therising]

Hi Witchy76

Something to be so incredibly proud of is the amount of work we do in order to come to better know our true nature, our triggers, our connection to life and so much more. It sounds like you've come along way through a lot of hard work. The way you've evolved, especially with communication, is definitely something to be proud of. 

I think when one person evolves and the other refuses to, a gradual and natural separation can develop. When one's ability to communicate improves but is not met with equal levels of communication, it can be challenging. When one's self esteem improves to the point where they can no longer accept intolerable behaviour from the other, it can be challenging. When one's ability to understand what needs to change in the relationship develops and the other refuses to acknowledge much needed changes, it can be challenging. At times I've found the question in my own marriage to be 'Am I developing more so on my own in this relationship or is he developing with me?'. Of course, we all develop at different rates and under different circumstances (individually and together) but when one insists on standing their ground and not changing in any way, technically the other is moving forward or making progress on their own. Sometimes it pays to focus on our own development and observe how things naturally unfold. We feel what we focus on. I much prefer to focus on feeling amazed by my development, as opposed to feeling disappointment or frustration in another's longing to never change. Amazement is a magical and energising feeling.

[Witchy76]

Stubbed my toe on lounge lastnight but it wasn’t a hurt and shake it off hurt it was a doozy, made me cry.

kicked it real good trying not to trip over the dog . 
husband’s like I didn’t think you were a crier, I said it bloody hurt.

then he screws his face up mocking my crying .

i said aren’t I allowed to cry, yeah but I thought it was funny, until I realised you hurt yourself.

i can’t get the image of him mocking me out of my head. Not liking him at the moment. Surely this isn’t how ya husband is supposed to react. 🙈