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High functioning, overworked, alcoholic husband now smoking pot & fights becoming more aggressive/physical

Jen18
Community Member

When I met my husband 13 yrs ago he was fit and enjoyed his scotch. I started to realise that he had a bit of a problem (he managed to hide it very well), now its major. He works very hard and has progressed to a point where he may be promoted to a directors role. We have a 5 yo and a 18 from my previous relationship (with a person who was a daily pot user).

Some very big cracks have appeared over the years and im feeling like ive failed everyone.

Credit card statements showed he was visiting bottle shop every 2nd day, now he visits every day & spends around $40 + (full bottle of scotch).

Arguments have been escalating and i cant help but call him out sometimes calling him a drunk during our arguments. He has this way of justifying why he deserves to be angry for instance .."you said this earlier or you had a melt down yesterday and now its my turn, or you started a fight this morning" (despite everything being fine or settled for hours in between). Fights snowball, instead of just discussing the disagreement, he brings all sorts of hurtful things into it. Lately if he has to go away for work or has a big meeting, the w'end is ruined because he starts dreading from Sat or Sun. Its "do you have to get on a flight tomorrow...or do you have a meeting with the boss tomorrow...who do you have to report to?"). Ive been starting my own business up over the last year and while my income is not as high as his, i do most of the house work, finances and running kids around. He's been threatening me a lot with cutting off finances and evertime i try to leave the house during an argument he tries to stop me taking our 5 yo then becomes really distraught.

He now smokes cigarettes and pot (everytime i am preoccupied he runs out and smokes, its like he gets a thrill out of sneaking around).

He says his wage covers his spending yet gets depressed and jealous of others who appear to be well off financially. He has had an anxiety problem which is just getting worse.

I've tried to ask his family for help. His sister has bipolar and his brother had alcohol & gambling problems. They lost their dad 18 yrs ago and my husband has always been seen as the most together. I drove to them on the w'end after an outburst, asking the brother to check on my husband (he was throwing things from the garage when i left). Instead my brother in law begged me to leave my son with him & tried to make out i was insane...he was like "are you really ok ...one minute you are laughing etc"

3 Replies 3

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jen18~

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going though and am really worried about the 'physical' in your title. Have you been subject to violence?

It is pretty obvious from your post that your husband has reached the stage where he is, in one way or another, abusing you. Even if he has not done anything physically his use of finances or a child to try to control you is unacceptable.

There may well be reasons for him being as he is, a long standing anxiety condition perhaps which leads to alcohol and drug abuse, and those things should be countered with professional help - which he has to seek.

Even so that does not help you in the current situation.

May I ask what you see as being your alternatives? Trying to know what is possible and what to do is hard, particularly in isolation. Do you have anyone you respect who cares about you and will go over things with you?

I would suggest talking as well to people who are used to these circumstances. Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) would be a good one to contact.

Feeling that you have failed is a natural reaction many people have, and is undeserved. Counseling services such as mentioned above can help put perspective on things as well as offer practical advice.

You will always be welcome here

Croix

Jen18
Community Member
Thank you, I'm going to try to get counselling for the family as a whole and focus on building better ways to cope with anxiety, stress & communication rather than focus on the alcohol problem for now. Its possible he will never do anything to resolve his drinking, I guess i just have to do my best to create as normal a life as i can for everyone. The only other option is to separate.

Guest_7403
Community Member

I drink too numb myself from what's going on

Perhaps he is similar, try and find out what leads to him needing that drink in the first place