Help in making new friends

[Lonely789]

I really struggle to make new friends. I’m often on the side lines and won’t just walk up to people and start talking say at the gym or kids sports for example.

I find it really hard to open up with people until I’ve gained their trust which is hard for people to get to know me.

We recently made a decision to move towns and have basically not heard from any of our closest friends since we let them know. They’ve basically skipped my birthday, sent messages and said they would come see me and weeks have past and no one came to see me. One even went as far to say well now you are moving we won’t see you any more I will not drive out of my way for anyone not even family so if you move away expect that. I’m totally gutted as I thought this was a close friend and someone I could trust and we have been completely dumped, just because we chose to do something that will be good for us but aren’t following the grain of these friendships.

I miss having a friend that walks into your house and makes them self at home, these friends never did this so much but we had a lot of fun times together. How do you find that again as an adult?

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are going through this. Life definitely fluctuates in regards to friendships, sometimes you will have an abundant social life and have seemingly many friends, and sometimes you will feel lonely and wish you had more. That is okay. But what I will say is that the quality of friends means much more than the quantity. You could have heaps of friends, but still be lonely, bc none of them is close enough to you that you can share you deepest thoughts. Tbh, I would rather have fewer friends but closer friends than anything.

I too also only let people in slowly, it takes me a while to trust people before I let them close to me. Maybe this is due to past relationships or childhood trauma, but that's just me. And that's okay too.

My advice would be to join a group or club and try to make some new friends. Or just keep being you and try to go out and socialise, because the right people will come to you in time. You don't need the "friends" you are describing here. Making new friends is hard, no one said it was easy. But just keep doing you and the right people will appear.

All the best,

Jaz xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Lonely789,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums...

I am sorry your friends have done this to you....Real friends will go out of their way to visit another, even if they have moved towns or areas.....

I find it hard to make friends...like you I cannot just walk up to someone and start talking....Maybe if you see the same people often attending the gym you go to...or children’s sports...just start of with a small hello, with a smile....after time friendships could be made...

Another gentle suggestion is, to join some groups in your new town...a group of people that like the same things you do...could also form friendships because you see them at each visit....

I have only one friend...that I can be their for her and she is always their for me.....which are what true friends do for each other....I moved into a small village around 8 years ago...and it took a couple of years for us to build up a beautiful friendship....It does take time for me, as it does for you to trust people enough to open up to them....

Do you think joining a group that you have a passion for...is something that you could do?...

Kind thoughts Dear Lonely789..

Talk here anytime you feel up to it...We are here to support you the best we can..

Grandy...

[Sophie_M]

Dear Lonely789,


We are so glad you have found yourself here in our forums. We are sorry to hear that you are struggling to make new friends and your "building of walls" makes it difficult for new people to get to know you.  We have a very encouraging, supportive community where you will find a safe place to talk about your struggles with no judgement. 

Regards

Sophie M  
 

[Juliet_84]

Hi lonely787,

Welcome to the forums, although I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling to find friends. I have had a similar situation for most of my life and finally had a small close knit group of friends and then moved to another city, like you intend to. Before I moved, I made a pact with myself that I would put myself out of my comfort zone in my new homeplace and be more social in an attempt to make friends. I was true to my word and signed up to walking groups, a social sports competition and joined meetup. I hated it at first and felt so awkward (I suffer from social anxiety) but I persisted and eventually I started making friends and now I have another good group. But I will say it took me longer than I expected it was going to, so I’m glad I persisted as if I had given up in my first year of trying these new things I still wouldn’t have any friends. So my advice to you is to decide that you will put yourself out of your comfort zone in your new town and make an effort and accept that it will take time. But you will get there I promise x

[Lonely789]

Thankyou and I completely agree with quality over quantity I guess the hurt is that couple of friends I felt close to one in particular has shown that as soon as you do different they will dump you and I thought our friendship was a lot stronger then that so it totally has blindsided me. Thanks for the advice it’s good to hear that I’m not the only one that finds this tricky

[Lonely789]

Thanks for your response, one true friend would be amazing, your very lucky to have that friend. They seem so hard to come by. I will try step out of my comfort zone once we move and in the mean time i am going to stop thinking about these people I thought were friends

[Lonely789]

Thanks for your response. I did have a giggle at your building of walls comments, hit the nail on the head

[Lonely789]

Thankyou for your response. It’s very reassuring to hear from others who have been able to step outside their comfort zones and had success

[Kiag34]

It can be so hard to make new friends. I’m in my 30’s and I find that there are people at mutual activities (ie parents of school kids, work, gym) but that outside of those interactions I don’t really see them.
work has all age groups working alongside and so people I work with are often quite a bit younger still in party mode with no kids or becoming grandparents!
I have 1 longer term friend and it is hard to catch up between work and family and it goes months in between. We do t live super close it’s about 35mins away.

keep talking to people eventually you’ll click with someone if you keep having courage to get to know others. I hope you find a new local friend. Good luck 🤞