Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 · ‎09-07-2018

Hi, I need some help and support. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and have lived with him for most of that time. I was single for a long time before I met him; was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. I am insecure and do not trust easily. But he was so loving and still is at times, I thought I’d found my perfect partner. After a few months I found out he had been communicating with past girlfriends and was on multiple dating websites. He’d even contacted a woman on one. He assured me he would wipe his past and we started counselling. My trust was broken. He was eager to buy property together and get married. I held off the marriage but bought land with him. We have been under a lot of stress due to work and trying to blend families successfully. He is reasonably nice to my kids but complains they do nothing to help out. We are back in counselling as he pushed me a few times and I called the police. It doesn’t seem to be helping. He blames me for all our problems; he has tried to contact his past girlfriends a few more times and has met with one of his ex-wives to discuss our relationship which I had asked him not to do. I often wonder if he is a narcissist. Reading about it I can see some traits in him. We have a few good days and it’s so loving and wonderful but then I’ll say something he doesn’t like and won’t speak to me for days. This happens all the time and has been our story. I have reached out to his third wife to get some insight on what I thought was true - he cheated on his wives and lied. He has the potential to be quite horrible when drinking so I asked him not to drink much and he did agree but in the last two months he has started to go out with work colleagues (mainly women) and drink. It’s hard to express what I’m feeling. Basically some times he treats me so wonderfully but he can’t sustain it. Then he blames me and doesn’t speak to me for days. He is very negative about things at times and mopes about. He always talks about himself and will often cut me off. My psychologist is of the thought he won’t change and I need to leave. There’s been so many times he has lied to me or contacted other women or not spoken to me for days. I’m so confused. In my gut I know I have to leave; I think he will become mean if he finds out my plan. I’m worried how I will move everything out in one day. I don’t have many people to help. I can’t pack beforehand as he’ll know. But then he is quite loving. I need help to stick to my plan to go.

Peppermintbach · ‎13-07-2018

Hi Gilmore (and a wave to all your caring supporters),

That sounds so confusing...conflicting opinions is always hard.

I really like what Terry wrote (fantastic post!). As suggested by Terry, I also feel there’s something to be said for going with our instincts sometimes...

Can I ask how your appointment went yesterday?

Sending kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper

Guest_926 · ‎13-07-2018

Hi Pepper,

it went well, my partner also cane yesterday as I had stuff I needed addressing and it would have been better for the counsellor to hear his side of things too. I have another one next week, it’s a couple one but I might be going on my own. There are a lot of things I don’t understand; like what is normal male/relationship behaviour and what is not. The counsellor was good yesterday at explaining his behaviour but also telling him what he should be doing instead. I guess he also needs to listen and follow her advice to help himself not do what he does. Time will tell. I just want to thank everyone who has offered their support. That means a great deal to me, thank you.

Jigsaw9 · ‎13-07-2018

Were here for you Gilmore

I noticed you mentioned in an earlier post that the 'happy times' are now longer then they used to be. That is an excellent sign. I sincerely hope he stops his narcissistic behaviour. If the 2 of you can recover from this, it will only make your relationship stronger.

Peppermintbach · ‎16-07-2018

Hi Gilmore (and a wave to all your incredible supporters),

I’m happy to hear that your appointment went well. It sounds like it was a very eye opening experience for you and a lot was shared and communicated, which is great 🙂 What an uplifting, caring and supportive post by Jigsaw too...

On another note, I recall your psychologist also had her own thoughts on the situation so maybe keep that in mind too. Sorry, I’m not trying to confuse you but I’m just suggesting that you might like to consider her views too...

Warm and kind thoughts,

Pepper

Terry73 · ‎16-07-2018

I am glad things seem to be getting better for you, and I do hope it continues for you. Always work towards a good solution to gain happiness and to move forward, no matter what stage of life you are at.

Terry

Guest_926 · ‎24-07-2018

Hi,

i am so confused... no words can describe how much. We had a good week last week except for a day and then it was good until last night and now he has shut himself off in the bedroom and not talking to me. I am so so so confused. The counsellor doesn’t seem to think he is narcissistic however she can see why I would think that. Honestly I have not been in a normal stable adult relationship ever so I don’t know if this not talking to me business is normal. Times like this I think ok I need to leave but then when it’s good I change my mind and think oh no this is good and loving and it’ll be alright .... I think I need something but I don’t know what...

Peppermintbach · ‎26-07-2018

Hi Gilmore,

His hot and cold behaviour does sound very confusing. No wonder he has left you feeling so lost and perplexed...I feel all this makes it so much harder for you to make a decision...

I wonder if it would be helpful to have a good long think about whether this relationship is ultimately helpful or harmful (overall) as this might help you find clarity, and maybe even pave the way to some sort of decision. I recall you had a psychologist so perhaps you might like to discuss this with her...just a very gentle suggestion.

Kindness and warmth,

Pepper

Birdy77 · ‎26-07-2018

Dear Gilmore,

The way your partner switches on and off and stone walls you is not the way a healthy and loving relationship looks to me.

Even if your counsellor doesn't believe he is a narcissist, the behaviour he shows towards you tells you what you need to know. Having a label or diagnosis doesn't change his actions.

I can't remember if I said this in your other thread, but have you heard that quote when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your partner continues to show you time and time again who he is.

I completely understand the way you go back each time, and when it's good, you think it will be good from now on. But it never is ...

Could you try this: think of a friend or sister or someone you love in your life, and imagine them being treated the way your partner treats you; put your loved one in your position. What would you say to that loved one if they asked your advice? Would you like to see them being treated as your partner treats you?

Maybe try it and see what thoughts and feelings come to you.

We are here to listen any time.

🌻birdy

Guest_926 · ‎29-07-2018

Thank you... 3 times of being ignored in 1 week is my answer. Thank you so much. I have two houses to look at this week and I know what I have to do but I really need some strength. I wouldn’t want my daughter or friends to be treated this way. I don’t deserve it. I just was never really sure if it was normal.

Terry73 · ‎29-07-2018

I wish my ex was as considerate as you and your ex, I caame home from work on a monday to an empty home (no wife and no kids) which didnt alarm me as I just thought she went shopping or out to see family or friends, started to worry around 7:30 pm so went for a shower then was going to call her after that, just coming out of the shower and her father was at bathroom door telling me that my wife doesnt want to live with me any more, wife was in kids room getting clothes etc for the kids. I didnt want to cause a scene so let them leave in peace (plus I was just shocked from the news and had to have time to process it all). Tuesday came, I was of the mind to give her space as she will have to contact me to work things out, so I went to work as usual, came home, still no wife/kids, no contact made on phone. I had left my mobile phone in car that night (not uncommon for me to do so), went to work the next day, being wednesday, at work remembered my phone, saw a text there from my wifes father saying that he was changing the locks on wednesday and that I needed to pack some stuff so I had work clothes for the rest of week and on weekend I was to pick up the rest of my stuff....

Basically 3 days notice, and I was homeless, and less that a week to get all my stuff over the years out into one car, havent seen my kids since, that was 8 years ago, whats worse, is that wednesday when the locks were changed was actually my birthday, my daughter was 2.5 years old and my son was 9 months old...

All I am saying is that at least you guys are being reasonable about it to the point where you are allowing each other to find alternative living arrangements.