Help- I need strength to leave my partner

[Guest_926]

Hi, I need some help and support. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and have lived with him for most of that time. I was single for a long time before I met him; was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. I am insecure and do not trust easily. But he was so loving and still is at times, I thought I’d found my perfect partner. After a few months I found out he had been communicating with past girlfriends and was on multiple dating websites. He’d even contacted a woman on one. He assured me he would wipe his past and we started counselling. My trust was broken. He was eager to buy property together and get married. I held off the marriage but bought land with him. We have been under a lot of stress due to work and trying to blend families successfully. He is reasonably nice to my kids but complains they do nothing to help out. We are back in counselling as he pushed me a few times and I called the police. It doesn’t seem to be helping. He blames me for all our problems; he has tried to contact his past girlfriends a few more times and has met with one of his ex-wives to discuss our relationship which I had asked him not to do. I often wonder if he is a narcissist. Reading about it I can see some traits in him. We have a few good days and it’s so loving and wonderful but then I’ll say something he doesn’t like and won’t speak to me for days. This happens all the time and has been our story. I have reached out to his third wife to get some insight on what I thought was true - he cheated on his wives and lied. He has the potential to be quite horrible when drinking so I asked him not to drink much and he did agree but in the last two months he has started to go out with work colleagues (mainly women) and drink. It’s hard to express what I’m feeling. Basically some times he treats me so wonderfully but he can’t sustain it. Then he blames me and doesn’t speak to me for days. He is very negative about things at times and mopes about. He always talks about himself and will often cut me off. My psychologist is of the thought he won’t change and I need to leave. There’s been so many times he has lied to me or contacted other women or not spoken to me for days. I’m so confused. In my gut I know I have to leave; I think he will become mean if he finds out my plan. I’m worried how I will move everything out in one day. I don’t have many people to help. I can’t pack beforehand as he’ll know. But then he is quite loving. I need help to stick to my plan to go.

[Guest_926]

Thank you. It’s quite hard as he has returned from being away and I’m trying to be ‘normal’ but I’m so sad. I realise I too am at fault as fighting doesn’t happen in a vacuum but it’s just so frequent. He can be so loving at times and I feel so lucky but then when we are not talking it’ll last for a few days. I don’t trust him and even when things are great I wonder how long it will be until he does something else. He claims he seeks out his exes to try and work out what’s wrong with him. I don’t know what a normal relationship should look like. Is seeking out exes and not getting along/talking every other week for a few days and making me feel like he isn’t choosing me sometimes with his choices a normal relationship? I am so confused. If it was a healthy relationship would I be so confused? I’m looking at a house today with the plan to move in 2 weeks. What if I’m making a mistake and he is the right one for me? He has had 3 wives and a few girlfriends before me. We are only in our mid 40’s. Is that unusual for a man our age? With each one he has built a house and married quickly. He wanted the same thing with me only I kept him at bay with the marriage side of it. Thankfully our land settles next week (it sold). Is that normal behaviour?

[Jigsaw9]

Gilmore

Strange things happen at any age. I don't think however that exes can help him sort himself out. He needs professional help. Constant arguing is never a good thing in any relationship. Congratulations on the sale of the house and the plan to move. I think it will help you having a little time to your own to think things through. Perhaps if you miss each other you will come back stronger.

[monkey_magic]

I think to be in a " normal" relationship u have to be with a " normal" guy that has open communication, doesn't hide things and who u feel " secure" with. Being with a narcissist rings alarm bells for me. I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons and figure out whether u want to remain in this relationship long term or leave it. I left mine because of the abuse. It hurt. And hurting someone isn't an act of love. It is so confusing when they have different sides. A normal relationship is built on trust and u don't have that with him. I too felt so lucky because of how much love he showed me but he was also a monster with a lot of issues. He hid things from me and was cheating too....

Do u know why it didn't work out with the other wives and girlfriend's? This might give u all the answers you are looking for.

[Guest_926]

He cheated on his first two wives. I spoke to the third one on the weekend and she left because of his mental health issues and how they were impacting on her and her children. He was also drinking quite a lot. She isn’t aware of whether he cheated on her or not. He did move on quite quickly. I don’t encourage drinking at home so I haven’t seen what she was seeing. However, he has started drinking with work people at the end of the week. We are in counselling as a result of him pushing me. I’m not sure it’s working, the nicer times are now longer than before but i still just wonder. I know I have trust and insecurity issues that I bring into the relationship but he hasn’t helped the situation by trying to contact exes... I check his emails, text messages, phone, computer and haven’t found any other evidence of cheating. I’ll be buggered if I know what the right thing is to do. I’ve tried to contact my counsellor and my pyschologist today but they’re pretty busy. We have an appointment tomorrow together and I have one on my own Thursday.

[Lily78]

Hi

Ending a relationship is always going to be hard. From what you have mentioned in your post, I want to give you all the strength I can from afar. Without knowing the whole situation, I'm still fairly convinced you should part. If a person is willing to change or give a relationship all they have, they will. Actions speak louder than words.

I have been in similar situations, and continued to try and try right up until my own mental health was seriously affected. My regret now is giving these chances. When trust is gone it is gone. And you can't change a person. It sounds like your partner needs to see a counsellor to deal with some of his past.

I am here if you need someone to vent too. Please look after yourself and be strong. I think you know what you have to do. You just need to be brave and follow through.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Gilmore (and a wave to all your lovely supporters),

I hear the confusion, distress and uncertainty in your latest post. I feel this must be such a stressful time for you.

So I’m extra glad that MM, Jigsaw and Lily have also chimed in with their beautiful support...

Is it okay if I ask how you’re feeling today?

Caring and kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Jigsaw9]

Gilmore

Hoping you go through with the appointments and get the help you need. We're all here cheering you on.

[Birdy77]

Dear Gilmore,

You have a beautiful support team in here and i would like to join.

I have replied to you on another thread about narcissistic abuse, and then saw your personal thread here.

We would love to know how it went with the psychologist ... We are behind you and supporting you 100%.

Your life can b e so much better. Someone who treats you this way is not someone you should be with forever.

Strength and courage to you Gilmore.

We're with you.

🌻birdy

[Guest_926]

Hi thank you all so much. I’m really struggling at the moment. My psychologist says one thing but we see a counsellor together and separately and she is saying we can work through our problems. He has seen her a few times on his own and we went yesterday together. She explains why he has done these things in the past and assured me he truly loves me and just wants me. But it’s so hard. I’m seeing her again today (I’m damaged too from my past) so hopefully I’ll get some clear guidance.

[Terry73]

Hi Gilmore,

I am not sure I can give advice here, but I just want to give you my support instead, and say that you have many people here that are able to even just listen should you want to get things off your chest.

I hope all goes well, trust in your own feelings, and then make choices based on what will make your life better in the end. Finally, just stick with your decision and never look back in regret, just keep looking forward to that brighter future

Terry