hello everyone

[LisaMG1967]

I just need some support as my marriage has just broken down... after more than 30 years... I had to move out as my husband was drinking too much and he did not think it was a problem... He now has started seeing someone and it is breaking my heart... I just do not know what to do to get past this... please can someone help...

[Bob_22]

Hi LisaMG1967,

I'm so sorry about your marriage and thank you for reaching out here for help. Please note, if you are in crisis or need to talk to someone over the phone you can always call in to speak to the counsellors at Beyond Blue by going here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

I can imagine your going through a lot coming out of a 30 year marriage. It can almost equate to pain of losing a loved one. There are some fantastic resources and support for those experiencing grief on griefline: https://griefline.org.au/ 

I would suggest now would be an important time to use any support networks you have. This includes your GP, friends or family members. They can help you process what you're going through as well as offer a distraction if needed. I can't imagine how much it hurts but with a little time things will get slightly easier. Unfortunately it is sometimes a matter of hope and patience. This is why it might be great to seek professional help through a psychologist by contacting your GP for a referral. In the meantime, it might be great if you can pursue any hobbies or engage in any self development if possible. Is there anything that you enjoy doing for yourself? It may even be worth keeping a journal of how you're going so that you can look back and compare your state of mind to the past. It is also a nice therapeutic exercise. I like to paint and write poetry. 

If possible, I would limit contact with your partner as much as possible until things have gotten easier. This is difficult however when going through a divorce. 

I didn't offer much advice/support but I hope this post helps a little. Keep us updated.

Bob

[Dean07]

I'm sorry to here what you are going through.

I'm in a similar situation. End of a 30 year marriage. I've known about it for about 4 weeks.

Everything Bob_22 wrote is fantastic advice.

I'm still coming to grips with it even though it's been on the cards for a while. I have good days and bad days. I know from what people tell me that it get easier with time but it's very hard at times.

I lean on my support groups and have called Mensline several times. The helpline has been fantastic as it is available 24/7 and have trained therapist to chat to.  I think Beyond Blue have a helpline. It's ok to ask for help and someone to talk to if you are struggling.

Journaling has been helpful to organize and reflect on my thinking. I use a Cognitive Based Therapy app designed by a physiologist to journal as it is designed to challenge common thinking faults. I have been journaling for years. I find it helpful to be able to look back and see how my thing has tracked over time.

Reading about grief and understanding the process has helped. 

Sometimes it is just hard and having a good cry is ok.  From what I have read feeling the emotions rather than suppressing them will help in the long run. It's normal to have all these strong emotions at the end of a marriage.

I have been trying to do something nice for myself once a day. Even if it is just to stop for a cup of coffee. A bit of selfcare seems to help me.

It's early days but I keep holding on to what people that have been through this before keep telling me. "It will get better with time".  We deserve to have a good/happy life. I have been trying to see the marriage break up as necessary process that will eventually lead to a better life.

I have been getting through it by taking it one day at a time.