Alcoholic partner

[duck123]

Hello. 
I just need some advice. 
My partner is an alcoholic and I recently left him. 
We have a young daughter and i have a son from a previous relationship 12 years ago who looks as him as his dad. 
He knew the reason i left was because he was drinking and being emotionally abusive and making me feel unsafe- the old cycle of abuse was happening and i didn’t even know until i went to ‘couples counselling’. We were separated for approx 6 months and during this time he had 3 months sober and really started to be a present dad and a healthier person. 
So I ended up accepting him back into my life. 
Fast forward to now and he is back to his usual drinking and then being unkind to me because i can not bring my self to be physical with him anymore. He gives me the ick. He is very unpredictable and negative about everything but expects me to positive and want to be around him. His mood swings make me feel like im forever walking on eggshells. 

So really i am asking for people to let me know if they have experienced anything similar and did their partner ever stop drinking, and did the ick ever go away? 

ps. I keep him away from my children when drinking. They are safe. 

[Croix]

Dear Duck123~

I'd like to welcome you to this Forum. It's a good move to come here as you can look around the Relationships Area to find others with similar circumstances, and maybe how they dealt with the situation.

I guess the first thing to say is you must have had a great deal of strength and determination to break off the relationship despite the heartache after his drinking and abusing you -and especially being unsafe. It might seem straightforward to you, but many people are unable to do that.

I would think there is no way you would want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells because  by the sound of it the old pattern is back - mood swings, drinking and abusing you again. All this by a person you now find repugnant (small wonder). To want to be intimate with someone you have to feel safe, respect and really want to be with them.

It is only natural to want back the 'ideal person' he may have been at times in the past but that has to be contrasted against you safety and happiness, and the welfare of the children -you deserve something a lot better.

Can I suggest you give 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) a ring and talk matters over with them? They are very knowledgeable about these situations (my apologies if you have already done this)

A number of people do get over misuse of alcohol, but it is by no means a straightforward process. Not only is there the physical addiction, but habit and more importantly trying to address the basic cause of something that may have become a coping mechanism.

After you have talked with 1800REPECT and if they suggest trying to improve his behaviour then our own 24/7 Help Line may be able to point you in the right direction

It is a truly horrible time for you and I’m hoping you have some personal support - family or a friend perhaps, who you can lean on and not feel alone

You are always welcome here

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Duck123, I was self medicating with alcohol but was always quite and not abusive, but when you have left him, he promised not to drink, just to get you back and as soon as you returned, he once again started to drink again, whether it was in front of you or by cupdrinking.

My wife divorced me because of my depression and that I was drinking and now that I haven't drunk for 3 1/2 years we have bonded back together, but your situation may be slightly different because under difficult times there could be a time when he needs tha alcohol again.

The only way you can feel safe with the children is to finally separate, when someone is an alcoholic you never know when they may start again and if he is abusive then you need to be far away from him and don't believe anything he says, because he has broken this promise before.

Please get back to us and ask any question you want.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Juliet_84]

Hi duck123,

I was in a domestic violence (occasionally physical but mostly emotional/verbal) relationship for many years and he was also an alcoholic. It wasn’t the alcohol that made him abusive but it didn’t help the situation and it definitely got worse when he drank. We too separated, for two years, and during those two years he worked at me about how he had changed and was no longer angry etc and over time I came to see these improvements but then when I went back, things eventually slid back. I believe that people are fundamentally who they are, and you need to ask yourself whether you can accept this person not the one they are promising to turn into. You shouldn’t have to stay around hoping for someone to change, it rarely ends well in my experience. My partner strung me along with promises for 20 years and I wasted all my 20s and 30s hoping for Something different, if it could only be like X, if they could only get their act together. My advice is believe people when they show you who they are. I also couldn’t shake the ick no matter how hard I tried. I honestly believe it’s something in your soul that is rejecting this person and the way they make you feel/are treating you. 

[tinyone]

Hi there

I'm replying because this is my exact position as we ll. I do not want to be intimate but do it just to keep him happy. I want to leave again but he makes it so hard and plays on it when I try to leave.  He cries and says he will do something to himself.