He will be the end of me

[Doogaldog]

I am in my late fifties and live with my 19 year old son.  He has always been 'difficult' in that he caves in at the slightest moment of stress etc.  I do not understand as I have  always worked and been self sufficient. 

He is now at the point where he has a tantrum if he has to go to work.  Threatens to kill himself.  Says he hates himself etc etc.  Strangely when he gets out of work he is ok again.  Wanting takeout/money etc etc. He is also supposedly attending Uni.  It is all online and he has made zero effort to register for his classes this semester.  He is just so lazy, unmotivated and selfish.  I told him he had to do the Uni stuff and he prevaricated for over two weeks!  Then  he wanted me to help him sort it out!  He is so pathetic.  I am embarrassed by his antics.  Unfortunately I still love him.  Not much but I do.  He is driving me to an early death. 

Yesterday he went ballistic and threatened to kill himself.  He grabbed a knife  and  was yelling and screaming at me.  He threw my phone on the floor and broke it.  I managed to calm him down.  Again; once he knew he didn't have to go to work he was perfectly alright.  He was laughing on  the computer with his 'mates' and then invited a friend of his over.  Meanwhile I was absolutely shattered and feeling like death. 

Today he has made no mention of any of it and indeed asked if he could buy a tablet to replace the phone he smashed???  I truly feel I am going insane...his behaviour is so abhorrent...he has  taken over my house.  I am ABSOLUTELY TRAPPED as he could not afford to live anywhere else (I have BEGGED his father to help).  I do not need this!  I am paying a huge mortgage, maintenance costs etc...I could live in a retirement village!  And have peace and some spare cash!  As it is I am on the poverty line.  I am ready to go because I simply cannot see  any way out of this.  It is a nightmare that I never wake up from.  Please  don't recommend speaking to people as I have  been doing  that all of my life and nothing has helped  I just wanted to get this out there.  

For what it is  worth I spent years on IVF to have him.  How I wish I could turn back time. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Doogaldog, 

Thank you for sharing this here. We hope you have found some comfort in the kindness and understanding of our lovely community members. We’re sure we’ll hear more from them.  

It sounds like you are a hardworking parent, and it sounds like the relationship is very strained. There’s some advice here on having the conversation when someone isn’t sure they want to see a professional.  

It’s so important, that while caring for your child, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach our counsellors via webchat, here. I know you stated you don't want to talk but talking is so much better than holding your feelings in.

Your child is, of course, always welcome to contact us too, or there’s our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. We can hear it might be hard to encourage them to do so, but we are here all the same. The Black Dog institute also has some support groups you could look at by selecting your state from the options, here, if that seems like a suggestion he might be more open to.  

We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.   Please continue to share here, whenever you feel comfortable. You never know how your story might help others who can relate to what you’re going through.   

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well I'm willing to give this a go, it is a tough one and all I hope for is you'll consider the options.

We get some posters here that have journeyed down the suicidal thought road and further and that is a sure sign that, all possible ideas need considering because to save yourself is the priority.. 

My beliefs are, based on him laughing with his mates etc following what you describe as a major meltdown, that he is using emotional blackmail (for want of a better description) to get his way and for whatever reason, has lost empathy for your situation . He also knows your love for him is endless and he will succeed. I've lived some of my life with a relative that used emotional blackmail but never with the physical violent threats you have been dealt with. That is a major red flag. Radical actions need to be taken to ensure your well being. What is radical? What are some good ideas?

Well, police intervention (even though it could be classed as domestic). Yes, the old fashioned good talking to wont do any harm. He might well use it as a means to add to his next threat however eg ("you rang the cops on me"). But you need to stand your ground on him, any threats, any money requests and so on. Eg this extends to things like a tablet - "I cant buy anything as there is no money." and end it there. There is no way in my personal opinion you should replace his phone.

I am seriously worried about your safety.

When safety becomes a grave concern you might need to stop discounting possibilities. Eg if he was to move into a caravan park and be independent his future is in his hands. Consider the possibilities. Rent sharing? Emergency accommodation? Just dont be present when he moves or he'll make life bad. Unless he has a diagnosed mental health condition that means you are his carer then hard love is the only option left and that could have ramifications that you might have to live with (eg forever separated). Consider that if that occurs it isnt your fault and while you've been dealt a poor hand, IVF etc, it has finalised that way because of him not you.

Another option is for you to reduce your debt thus reducing your stress. Sell the house, work part time, buy a camper, etc etc

Repost anytime

Take care

TonyWK