Caring advice for Girlfriend who has severe depression

[TheVoid]

my girl friend has experiencing depression with self harm before. However, she stopped doing that when we start dating. Recently, she told me she is feeling the urges to do it again and its scarring her so i reassure her and told her it's fine it means your at the end of healing process. Then, she starts distancing with me and i asked her why she just told me she is so busy so she can't be free like before, and we can't even meet each other that often. Therefore, i keep asking her to give me more attention and time to spend with her which she did but i always question it cuz i was experiencing tremendous of stress as well. Until recently, she told me everything just so much for her and yet i did it again putting more stress on her and she decided to breakup with me because she thinks she is not good enough and she tried her best to give me what i want. She said she is not in the right mindset for relationship right now and i was right she can't give me enough attention and my needs, she think our rela can't be fixed cuz i can't fix her and she can't be healed. She told me she needs to end our relationship before it breaks her. She said she is struggling more than she would like to, and i deserve better. So i agreed with her about the break up for i can't stand the thinking of her getting hurt. After i agreed with her she started saying how she love me so much and i will always be the best person she ever had and she will never be able to find someone like me and she hopes me all the best and i deserve better. She said sorry that she has to do that to me cuz she doesn't want to hurt me and that is the last thing she would do. i understand that she may experience another episode or crysis, so i don't know if she pushes me away cuz she fear that she may pull me down or she is done with me. Today, i messaged her saying i know that shes fighting her fight and i wish i would take off her pain or softer things for her but i can't so i will be here as long as it needed. she replied thank you for saying this same goes to you but she doesn't want me to wait for her cuz she thinks she won't coming back. Should i keep checking up on her making sure she is alr? i'm not sure what to do and whether she pushes me away cuz shes fighting her fight and it's not fair for me if she still maintains our relationship or shes done with me? What should i do in this case

[Croix]

Dear TheVoid~

Welcome here to the Forum. It's a good place to come to as you can look around and see other people in similar situations and how they coped.

It can be very confusing when you get mixed signals from some one you care about, and there really seems there is no way to know what to do.

I'd like to mention two things form my own experience with depression. The first is that the very best thing you can do for your friend is encourage them to get professional help, and if thay are already then encourage her to tell her medical team the treatment  is not working well and needs review. There was no way I could 'make my self better' and only improved after I got assistance.

The other thing is to give you some idea of what it can be like. Depression took over just about all of my mind, fillng it wiht black hopeless thoughts which I believed were my own fault. So I did not feel worthy of having people care about me. Actually my mind was so full of these thoughts there was no capacity left to deal wiht other people. It was simply too much so I withdrew.

To be fair I did draw comfort from my partner telling me they would always be there for me, but I did not acknowledge that at the time and you would not have known it from my behaviour.

It's a very stressful and worrying time for you, uncertainty and wondering if what you are doing is the right thing. So you too need support. May I ask if there is anyone there for you to lean on? A family member or friend you can talk to, who will just listen and care. Trying to deal wiht all this in isolation is extra hard.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

[TheVoid]

Dear Croix,

Thanks for reaching out and giving me some insight. 

To be fair, i can feel her messages were full of hopeless and emptiness plus the thought of being worthless that makes her pushed me away and withdrew everything by saying i deserve better and she sorry to do this to me.

At first, i thought it was my fault that’s why she did this, until a co worker told me my gf maybe experience severe depression that’s why she did that. I spent nearly a day reading posts in our forum and i found similar cases to my situation before i decided to reach out.
This is my first time being with someone with depression, so it is still new for me so i want to ask from your experience. Should i checking up on her right now or i just wait for few more days so she can cool down abit, for i’m scared i may worsen her situation but at the same time it’s nice to have someone on your side during darkest nights. 
She has rough family where no one believes depression is real, yet she’s still seeing therapist, and i will try to ask her and encourage her more about that matter.

tbh i don’t have anyone by my side so coping with this thought whether i should do this or not is destroying me abit, for i have bad experience when i help to heal someone and they just leave me, then i have to heal myself and it sucks

Thanks again and appreciate any piece of information would help me long way

[Croix]

Dear TheVoid~

You sound as if you have had this sort of experience before when you say "for i have bad experience when i help to heal someone and they just leave me, then i have to heal myself ". I'm afraid when you try to help someone there are no guarantees, all you can do is look back if they leave or not respond and say to yourself you did the best you could.

You sound a very caring person.

That's one reason I asked what support you had. It can be very hard to invest so much emotionally and end up alone. Perhaps you might consider a bit of counseling for you, just to let you keep perspective.

You did ask what you might do, and I guess if it was me I'd try to support without causing stress. Talking face to face or on the phone can crowd a person. In my case my mind did not have the capacity left to deal with people, no mater how nice.

I guess I could suggest simply sending a text, saying you will be there for her and if she wants to talk anytime she does not have to actually speak with you unless she wants to, just a text would be fine.

That way she doe not have to deal with your message on the spot - like in a phone call - and may just have it at the back of her mind for a while.

It's a pity her family does not support her, it makes things even more difficult, though I'm glad she is seeking some medical help.

Please be kind to yourself, try to have other things in your life so this situation does not rule it.

Croix