He photoshopped porn with a girl who isn't me. Why... - Beyond Blue Forums - 443825

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I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, I'm 22 and he's 23. But yesterday I discovered he had sent around 8 photos to himself on face book of photoshopped porn photos with some girls face in it who we don't know well but he clearly finds hot ... I confronted him about it he 1- lied straight away and made some story up and then he admitted to it and said it was just a once off thing and meant nothing and he's extreamly embarrassed about it. He then keeps telling me to stop talking about it as he's sorry and doesn't want it to be turned into a big thing as he PROMISES me it was a one time stupid thing. I feel extreamly degraded and confused as he's not like this and I'm just in shock.... Why do that if you have a girlfriend of 4 years you could ask for nudes from?. I feel this is the end as i don't trust him and he doesn't get why this is such a large issue for this relationship. I then found out today he follows a girl he's meet ONCE at a party in January on his spam/funny Instagram and literally doesn't know her? those two things happening in 24 hours has just made me think he clearly doesn't want me and thinks I'm not good enough. And he has the audacity to tell me to stop going on about it and to stop attacking him, when I don't I'm just hurt and wants answers. We are on a break now and i don't see a future with him anymore .

8 Replies 8

Dear Izakwinsor,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I'd love to say that I know the answer to the issue, but I really don't. What I do see though, is how much you have been hurt by his behavior and by his reaction of not wanting to talk about it any further with you.

Open communication in a relationship is so paramount, and when that fails .... everything else seems to fail around it. When my ex husband and I separated, it was because of a severe lack of communication. Not because he or I cheated, not because either one of us was abusive or dishonest, but just because we could NOT talk about stuff.

What I can tell you about is a series of books I came across, the first book of which is called 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. It helped to explain the different ways that men and women communicate with each other and how it is all interpreted by the opposite sex. And one of the things that stood out the most to me, is that when us women want to talk and talk about things in detail, then yes, men do tend to feel 'attacked' even though that is not our intention. We just want, as you said, some answers.

Maybe this is a time to seek some counseling support for yourself. Do you think that might help?

As for the issue of porn itself ...... it's so easily available these days that people don't realise jut how much it can effect, not only themselves and their own thoughts and behaviors, but also the effect on the way they treat those around them.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps or not. Hopefully it does?

In the meantime, maybe a break at this time is a good thing? Given the current Pandemic situation, yeah? I don't know. Like I said at the start, I really don't have all the answers.

Take care. I do hope you can sort it all out soon. xo

Thank you for the reply!

That was really helpful in making me realise that maybe it's just our communication styles right now that is blowing this situation up and making me feel unheard and dismissed while he feels attacked.

I think the break will be a good distraction in this already tense Pandemic Time and will hopefully make him realise his mistake. I will definitely give that book a read too, sounds great!

Thanks again for the reply xoxo

Hi,

It sounds like this is a poor habit - he won’t break it with well intentioned promises.

Been there, experienced this.

Up to you, - Make a clean break, feel the pain of loss now... but build a new you and life.

Or, get ready to commit to a different level of values. Forgive, keep trudging on... but you will change, hurt and build a different sense of self.

You are young. Break the cycle ❤️

Yeah he's said he really needs to stop masturbating so much, but going to the lengths he did with another girl has ruined me...and then saying it's a one time thing and I'm making it out to be more than it's is just making me so insecure. He's clearly very embarrassed i found it. I'm just scared to not have a life without him and he's my first love... but clearly he's fallen out of love with me and interested in girls who aren't me as he fantasises about cheating. I'm scared to break the cycle even though I know I should and that this isn't acceptable.

Thanks for the reply! a lot to think about xxx

Hi.

Mere male here. Like Sober* I don't have any real advice for you.

I can tell from your posts that his actions have hurt you a lot and that is something that cannot be reversed. 😞 And what made it worse was him lying about it, and it would be normal to feel betrayed by his actions. Suspect that you have little trust in him not doing it again - a lingering thought that never goes away.

If I did have a question and/or a thought for you...

#1. Does he know about the effect his actions had on you?

#2. In a conversation with him about this, were you give any reason for his actions?

These are questions are not to attack him, rather a way to help you work out some way forward - to get to the cause of the issue? As Sober* said, communication is the bedrock of a relationship. The reasons may be a deal breaker for you.

wishing you well,

Tim

« but going to the lengths he did with another girl has ruined me «

Dear you, think about this. Think about your own words. You are so young.

Your partner is not necessarily a bad person, but he has a weakness that could make you feel truly ruined on a much deeper level as you stay together.

You are not committed in a long term marriage, with children etc.

I’d run for the hills if I were you.

At your age, you’d both should be hungry ONLY for each other.

Believe me... and take care 💐

Thanks for the reply!

yes he definitely does know the affect he's had on me and it's still very hard for him to realise how hurt I am. He's extreamly embarrassed but it's just not good enough. I was given the reason that I don't try enough sexually or put any effort into our sexual relationship. And I admit that I do need to work on it and it's a flaw of mine, but how can i now knowing this and that he's basically fantasised about cheating on me.

a lot to think about

You are so true.. I shouldn't feel like this at 22. I'm just scared of letting go of a 4 year relationship. He's my everything and yeah he's not a bad person but I feel the way he was raised has ultimately made him very combative, defensive and unable to accept he's wrong. Would rather never back down and lose me or hurt me very badly than accept he's wrong. This whole day I've just been processing the pain realising it's over and realising, as you said, he should only want me.

Thank you for the reply it's really made me open my eyes to how this isn't ok xo