Feeling Lost and Confused
thank you so much for sharing your story and concerns, it takes a lot to reach out! I believe I understand your pain, I am going through uncertainty, pain and fear myself right now. I am not saying that this is in any way comparable but I do believe I can understand how much it can hurt when you love someone that much and just want to believe in the best.
From my point of view, I believe your position looks quite positive even if it does not appear that way at first. I assume that you can trust your partner fully? If so, then I think it is a great sign that he actually asked for a break and has reflected enough on his feelings and situation to realise there may be more work possible or required for you as individuals. How often do people just co-exist without really reflecting on their individual development? And subsequently, they often lose themselves and through that their way to connect well with their partners. I think this is a great chance for the both of you. Not only because you can start the quest to become the best new you and focus on yourself for a while without any distraction. But also because by doing so you have a wonderful chance to take your relationship to a level never seen before. There is a lot of opportunity in your situation, I believe. As I said, I completely understand how scary this might feel to you right now. But if I can try and give you some relief, I actually believe this could be a wonderful chance. Most importantly, you will both end up stronger and better individuals if you use the time and space. So whatever comes after that, you will already have gained something either way.
I guess one question I would find interesting is whether you will communicate at all during that time? Will you check in from time to time? If so, I think the best way forward is to communicate openly and honestly about everything.
I would also suggest to be really kind to yourself right now. You do not need to make changes just to please someone else. You can take a little bit of time to ask yourself what you might like yourself to be and feel. Once you know that, you can determine ways to make that happen. You have a wonderful chance to focus on yourself and I am sure you will find great ways to make that opportunity work for you. You have reason to be hopeful because there is a lot of goodness that can come your way and you have it in your hands. Having control is a beautiful and rare thing. I am sure you will do very very well.
I am hoping in time we can start to reconnect again whether if it's dinner or a coffee. Then hopefully we can become stronger and learn from mistakes made so we don't let it get this far again.
I know the loss of my son, mum and dad in the past has not helped me and I know now that I took this wonderful man for granted as well as our relationship.
I just need to find myself again.
This sounds like a really tough situation to be in and I can relate from personal experience.
I can only work from the information you have provided us so I'd like to know if this is the first break your partner has ask for? I do apologise, however, I don't believe in the whole 'break' thing because when you're in love with someone, you want them to be there for support and to get through the issues together. Relationships are not an I, they are a we and everything is to be done together, not separately.
Moving forward. If you want your relationship to work, you may need to dial back a bit on your partner by taking some lime-light off him and focusing it more about you so to speak. Focus on yourself, concentrate on your physical and mental wellness, participate in social activities, connect with others and be happy. Beyond Blue have a fantastic counselling service.
I would have minimal contact with your partner but making sure that you stay in touch. You want them to not hear from you as much but at the same time, you want your partner to start missing you and when this happens, you have better control over the situation and it might help to reignite past flames and passion for each other.
Please let us know how you are doing.
I am in a similar boat. Ive been with my partner 6 yrs 2 kids and he just said i need a break 3 weeks ago. We still talk. He wants to sort himself out and go from there. He moved out a week ago but is here most nights to help put the kids to bed. Im lost myself. It was sudden and i dont know where to go. I want to help him in any way i can but also dont want o loose him without giving it a try.
Here to chat whenever you want. Be good to chat to someone in a similar position
My heart just sank reading your post because I can relate to how you feel apart from not having children. It's a pain that is so severe it hurts more than a wound or flesh pain.
The most important thing for you to do is to look after yourself and your children. Your physical and mental health is the most valuable. Seeking professional support such as a relationship/mental health councillor is a great option like Beyond Blue or speaking with family and friends.
I cannot count how many times my current partner has done this too me. It hurt me and made me feel very vulnerable, depressed, worthless, scared, afraid, stressed, angry and confused. My partner would consistently break up with me and without realising it, his confusing issues had changed me for the worst. I hit rock-bottom. His actions had caused my life and body to experience severe difficulties and I had to change it fast. I ended up become so paranoid that he was going to cheat, had cheated or was running away. It's also a form of abuse and in no way a healthy lifestyle to live in. After speaking (several times) with relationship councillors, I put in some really good actions that were all about me and what I wanted. I learned that no one has a right to 'use an abuse me' - makes a lot of sense.
I also learnt that I was a better person and that I didn't need anyone coming into my life who wasn't able or didn't know if they wanted commitment. Then I backed-off from my partner and made it clear to him what my boundaries are and that I do not accept their behaviour. Running off to make themselves a better person is no excuse for leaving their family. There is no such thing because it wouldn't of happened to begin with.
I may sound a bit straight forward but I like to be direct and to the point. In conclusion, look after yourself. It doesn't mean you need to cut ties or fully ignore your partner, he needs to learn to respect you and care for you and that means being by his partner's side through think and thin.
What ever direct you move, make sure he learns that he needs to respect your boundaries and that your relationship is not a dust-bin.
Let us know how you're doing.
it was abit direct but i sort out help for myself as in 3 weeks i have lost 8kg so i have not been coping well at all. after speaking to her and seeing an outside view she put into perspective that i need to go into preserve mode for myself otherwise i wont be able to be there for our boys when he can not be. i have asked for a couple of days space. so him not coming around to see the boys, that sounds so harsh but i need to have some time where he is not here. if it pushes him away more i am starting to realise maybe he just wanted to break up anyway and didnt know how to say it but i can see him struggle in his own mind. so i have told him i will always be there but i dont need to put myself 1st and the boys a very very close 2nd.
i have been going batty with the thought of him maybe cheating, cheated or wanting to for awhile now as well. but he assures me there is no one else and i do believe him until a rumour rears its ugly head and then for a moment i have doubts again. another reason i need space as well. i cant help him if im going crazy over my batty thoughts
I can see how things must be very difficult. I think what you did by asking for space was a very good tactic, not only for your health and wellness but also for the kids.
Unfortunately, it's one of the hardest things to do but protecting yourself and your feelings from someone who might not be on the same page with your relationship is the most important thing.
My partner was doing amazing until last weekend when he diced to go cold turkey. The hardest thing to remember is not to let your emotions take over and become insecure or untrustworthy - worst feelings.
After my partner became very cold and distant on Thursday night, I told him that if he was to play games with me one more time that I'd leave, so I did on Friday morning. He told me that I need to focus on me, look after myself and that it's best the we have space but couldn't explain to me why he was feeling that way. I have tow doubts; either he is unfaithful or he is suffering his Mental health condition.
He asked me to go back to him sat night and then today he has become cold again. The only way for these people to learn how to treat their partners and not to neglect us is to learn that we need to be looked after. We need to be taken care of, we need to be acknowledge and we need partners to meet our needs and emotions.
The more one partner pushes away, the more the victim hurts and the more they end up single - more fool them.