He hurts me and I let him.

[Jadedgirl]

I am 21 years of age and I have been in a bad situation for 4 years now.

When I was 18 I met a boy that became my first everything and we dated officially for five months. The relationship broke down because he had cheated on me. Eventually I found out that he had cheated more than one time.

There were red flags now in hindsight, but I did not know any better.

Since we broke up officially, we have been on and off for 3 and a half years. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and we have been in some horrible situations. He has threatened to kill himself when we first broke up, he has said very horrible things to my face and about me, he has continued to lie and cheat and he has even forced himself on me one night when he was on drugs and begged me to come and get him.

I have not been the nicest person either, I have told many people about all the things that have happened and said he isn't a nice person, I slept with someone who I later found out knew my ex and that hurt him, I have hurt and disappointed those around me for constantly going back.

Last year we had a huge fight and he ended up blocking me and now he unblocks me sometimes on a night out to message me and talk and then just when I think it's getting better he blocks me again.

It's hard because logically I can recognize all the hurt he causes and how broken he makes me feel, I can see that I should not be with him and I know he is not good for my health and he has hurt me mentally and physically. I know I should just block him when he unblocks me to message me.

But I can't.

Or at least.. I don't want to.

I still love him despite it all and it hurts just as much not to be with him as it does when I'm with him.

I can't live like this anymore it is too hard. All I feel is horrible and all I wish is for us to just work. I don't trust myself to stay away from him, we live in a very small town. It's getting to a point where I feel the only way to get out of it is the move somewhere away from it all.

I'm just scared and I talk to psychologists and take medication but here I am still stuck.

Please help me I don't know what to do anymore.

[Jackson85]

Hi Jadedgirl,

It sounds like you're constantly balancing what you want and don't want about being with this person. I can see how that would be hard to be drawn to something but be repelled at the same time.

It's great you're talking to a psychologist, letting all this out can really help us find out what our true feelings are underneath.

My first piece of advice would be to forgive yourself along the way, and not be too hard on yourself if you call one night, or take his call, or whatever else. It sounds like it's been a long journey, so trying to take care of yourself will make it easier to make tough decisions in the future.

Sometimes we can be afraid to lose what we have, because it seems as though we're losing something and gaining nothing. However sometimes the place we're in has something missing, because we're closed to new opportunities which are out there waiting for us. If I have a ham sandwich for lunch, and I give it away, it's like I've lost my lunch. But once I give it away, then I go to the fridge to see what else there is, and there's an even better ham and cheese sandwich just waiting for me! (Silly analogy I know 🙂

I think getting to the bottom of how you feel about him is key. Do you want to be with him, or do you just not want to be without him? At 21 you've got the wonderful journey ahead of you of figuring out who you are and how you want to fit into this world. And sometimes when I ask myself "Does this person fit into how I WANT my life to be?", it gives me a little bit of clarity.

Hang in there,

Jackson85

[Sarra]

Hey Jadedgirl,
This situation sounds toxic, you are both hurting each other and the longer you stay in that environment your wellbeing will suffer. You must reflect on yourself and understand what your pain and needs are before you can support someone else. He must also do the same. It sounds like a cycle of trying to payback the hurt you cause each other and one of you needs to be the one to stop the cycle so you can heal. I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation and he doesn't sound like he's in a good place either. I think staying too close to the situation won't resolve your issues, most often the best solution is space. You both need time to reflect on yourselves and understand where this pain comes from and why you are hurting one another. I don't believe you would do such things just to be cruel, I'm sure you are good people and struggling with a lot of painful emotions. I have seen and experienced similar issues in relationships and space has always been the best solution. But in order for it to work, you need to really understand why you need it, what you want to come from it and what changes need to happen before you resume contact. Otherwise you'll regress, give in and try to reach out to each other. If you are right for each other, respect and communication is key. If you are able to discuss and explain why space is necessary, hopefully he can understand and the two of you have a chance to cool off from the tension and come back with a clearer mind. Some people put time limits on this like a few days, weeks etc but I think it's hard to know how long either of you need. Focus on finding some peace within yourself. I know from experience that it's hard to be good to someone else when you are carrying your own pain and trying to find your own way out. Trust each other to spend the time on yourselves and I hope that things really work out and you are able to get to the root of all this and be good for one another. You can't change people, you can only change yourself. Model the behaviour you would expect someone to treat you. He will change when he is ready to. Maybe by making the first steps to be a version of yourself you that feels good for you, it might show him the way.

[smallwolf]

Hi Jadedgirl,

The responses from the other posters have pretty much said what I would say. I am also sure that in your discussions with your psychologist you will be able to work out a solution to your present problems. And sure that you have discussed your feeling or need to "stay" with him. So my issues are very different to yours, but one thing I think that can links all thoughts and problems is being able to answer these questions...

(1) is this thought/action helpful for me?

(2) if I friend told me this, what would I suggest to them?

Answering these questions is one thing, but being able to carry out some action then is more difficult. For me, there is safety in the current situation rather then facing fear/uncertainty in an unknown future. But I am listening to you tell your story. You are not alone - others here have been in similar positions. Let me know how toy get on?

Tim