Has my father made my anxiety worse?

[UnknownFurby]

So i read somewhere that being without a father can have a big impact in your life, this year my mother and I moved an hour away and my father won't travel to see me, he always said that he has no patrol money so i have to go there... but due my anxiety going back means bad memories , so i thought about asking him to put money aside and at lease try and see me 1 once a month, do you think this work??? When i was back at my hometown i usually saw him nearly every fortnight-ish but now i only seen him so far on my birthday ,his birthday and the once when he wanted to see a movie and decided to invite me... OH and on Easter i lost all trust in him... Long story short what happen is that they had to fix a fence (Auntie, my father and pop) anyway they said they said they might come and see me Monday after Easter if they have time ,i said that is fine ,anyway couple days later his GF son son (so grandson) are coming on Sunday (Easter) so i was trying to arrange for him to see me some time like before or after but he wouldn't listen so i got depressed and locked myself away for awhile ( i suffer for Anxiety and Depression), and the grandson not his flesh and blood so i was really hurt... anyway back on track without my father spending time with me do you think i could be hurting without knowing??

[therising]

Hi UnknownFurby

My heart goes out to you as I welcome you with open arms and a warm smile. I also wish to reassure you of how valuable you truly are no matter the impression others in your life may give to you. Unfortunately, human beings do at times possess that trait where we place our own value in the words and actions of others.

When my sister and her husband split up a few years back, their teenage daughters had to try and manage the lack of interest their father displayed, in spending time with them. One of my nieces accepted her father as being self-focused, whereas the other niece was deeply hurt (something which fueled her depression and anxiety).

The first niece I mentioned, had appointed her father the role of being 'someone reliable'. She faced disappointment head on, appointing her father the new role of being 'someone unreliable'. The second niece continued to hope her father would become reliable (which still, to this day, has never happened). The second niece is now coming to terms with a constructive form of dis-appointment. Facing disappointment in a positive constructive way is definitely easier said than done in many cases yet it does come down to appointing people to more realistic roles in our life, where our expectations match those roles.

UnknownFurby, please don't feel any guilt or disloyalty if you decide to appoint your father as being someone unreliable or untrustworthy (based on your loss of trust in that case you mentioned). I imagine there are other people in your life who are reliable and trustworthy, who can be more positive influences when it comes to how you see yourself. It sounds like your father is lacking both compassion and skill when it comes to managing his life with you. Try not to identify yourself through his lack of skill.

Again UF, you are a valuable gift to this world, something I hope you come to truly understand and identify with.

Take care of yourself.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi UnknownFurby,

It certainly does sound like you’re hurting a lot and feeling perhaps cast aside by your dad. You must really miss him, and it must be painful to not see him as often as you used to...that would hurt...a lot...

I don’t know how bad his financial circumstances are but if he can manage it, I feel your suggestion to put aside some petrol money so he can see you more regularly is very reasonable. Alternatively, depending on the public transport network in his area, maybe he could catch a bus or train instead as that might be cheaper than driving...just a gentle idea...

Also, I wonder if perhaps scheduling regular phone calls of Skype calls (e.g. asking him to agree to calling every Tuesday) might help if distance is an issue...it’s just another little suggestion that you can see if it suits you or not.

I could feel your deep sadness (and perhaps even a sense of rejection) when he wouldn’t listen to you about seeing you on Easter Sunday. It must have felt as though he was willing to make time for his grandson but not his own daughter. I feel that would have been very painful...I would have probably felt very hurt too if I was in your position...

You seem to have a lot on your mind plus you have anxiety on top of everything else. That would be very overwhelming...

There’s absolutely no pressure but feel free to use this space as a safe place to share your feelings, thoughts, etc. I feel there are many caring people here who would want to support you or read along and quietly empathise...

Kind and gentle thoughts,

Pepper